Reflection

Wow it 6:53am and I'm writing a blog post!

Been up for around half an hour now, though I woke up at 5:30am again. I think he's playing on my mind. It's so easy to know what you want to write about, to see the blog in front of you and know there's so much you want to say, but finding a way to say it without sounding like a dumbass is quite the different story.

I've found myself worrying more about what others think of me, these days, than actually getting anything out of my system and even jotted down on here.

I find it incredibly hard to open up to people, the fear of rejection, the fear of close-ness, the fear of intimacy maybe? I think I have issues dealing with a lot of things, I tend to brush off. If someone tells me someones ill, or someones got a problem personally - even watching someone cry is incredibly tough for me personally to deal with. I don't like dealing with things, I push it away until the problem is resolved by someone else, or just bury my feelings and mule over them at a later stage - on my own, in private.

I put my foot in it quite a lot, especially when I feel uncomfortable, like when I'm around others -friends even though they may be, I am constantly questioning whether their actually interested whilst I'm talking to them. I tend to let people talk about themselves, it's easier, not only conversation wise but in a lot of ways.

If their talking about themselves I can sit safely in the background, without the fear that I'm going to have to make conversation (which I totally 100% suck at) or that I'm going have to delve into my life - which is incredibly complicated, as you figured from being an avid reader of this blog...lol kidding!

I think rejection is the main thing that makes me worry, I worry so much about rejection about being laughed at not with. It's funny when your actually so analytical of your life, it's quite maddening at times.

Its also, I guess, the same for when people see me upset. A lot of my close friends will know instantly when I'm upset or if somethings on my mind and will know exactly how to deal with me. But those friends are far and few between. My not so close (but not too far away) friends tend to think I might be upset, but that I could also just be being pissy with them.

That winds me up, with not just me but others as well. When it's obvious that someones upset but then not. But others automatically think it's just them being moody, or pissed off or whatever, people who can label the book before it's written. They annoy me.

I guess I'm in a reflective mood this morning, I'm feeling a little low on the run up to various events. This time of the year makes me sad, I don't know why; it just does. I feel drawn to be a Scrooge, but then I love making other people happy so that wouldn't work lol.

Why is nothing in life ever simple...Why cant I be simple?


Take care all xxx



Currently Listening To: Everlife -Angel's Cry