This is gonna be dark you may want to skip this blog entry.
Do you ever feel like your standing on the edge of forever and the only thing that's holding you from falling into eternal darkness is slowly loosing its grip?
I've pressed how much my life sucks before, but tonight I just want to cry. I'm not gonna wail about it all because my life doesn't suck, I'm the happiest god damn person in the whole world. Or that's what everyone tells me I should be. Who has the right to judge other peoples reactions, when their reactions are being judged themselves?
I dunno if this is just a woman thing, or if I'm trying to understand something that's not be written yet. I can cry a river but who the hell gives a toss, I'm not allowed to be sad, I cant stand that. People who tell me I should smile and look on the bright side of life all the time. I have a right to cry as human being, if god didn't want us to cry he wouldn't have given us feelings to be broken.
People take advantage of me in that respect, I get walked over and that's understandable really, seeing as I'm an easy target for it - they know I wont stand up for myself I wont fight back; I'm the girl in the corner at the night club whose watching the world go by.
Sometimes I get sick of crying, sometimes I agree that I should look on the bright side and smile, those are the times when I'm upset over nothing, spilt milk. But then other times... god I feel like I'm stood in a room with a million people screaming my lungs out and nobody cares, not one person looks over and why should they? I'm a self centred girl and I know it, I don't deserve what I do have and I do deserve less sometimes.
There are nights...I could just float away, I piss people off and get on peoples nerves a lot and after a while you start to wonder why, when you haven't even said anything. Yet people around me in fact almost everyone I know will hate you forever if you put your foot wrong once, one woman once said to me "Darlin', your face doesn't fit." and she was right it doesn't, it wont ever because I'm different, I have feelings that have been broken and cant be repaired.
A lot of people look at me just recently with wonder, a lot of the reactions to them finding out I had a guy for instance were "oh" and "wow YOU have a guy." Why don't you just tell it to my face, I'm a big girl in more ways than one, I can see that your missing the word "Impossible" off the end of that sentence.
I've got so much pent up inside of me right now, so much horrible anger filled angst, do you ever hate yourself so much that you wish someone would wake you up and tell you your dreaming you really are this wonderful person with a gorgeous body and personality to match? All these dumb blonde bimbos with fantastic personalities and everything else, all these smart ass gorgeous brunettes with brains and smarts to match, all these red heads and dare devils who've got the world in their hands, these amazingly wonderful people who will make your heart weep with how wonderful they are...
How can I ever compare to that?
I can't... and damn me for being so foolish as to think I was worth the time of any living being with enough sense to get as far away from me as possible.
Tonight I'm picking up the pieces of my broken self and taping them back together as I do time and time again, wondering when/how I'll be broken again. p>
Peace all take care xxx
Currently Listening To: Coldplay - Fix You.
