...Almost The End Of The Line...: August 2009

Hey guys, hows you all?

Don't feel much like making a video today, it's been a weird couple of days the last few days and I'm hoping that this isn't the start of a downhill slope into eventual....Something-ness.

Had a great time the last week just staying at my brother's whilst him, Gemma and the kids ventured off into the wilderness slash beachness known to locals and us lot in Leicestershire as "Skeg-Vegas." They had a great time, more than likely spent a load of money and now it's back to the grindstone of every day life.

Friday I had a girlie night in with my best friend in the whole world Sam. We cooked then ate pizza and had cinema style popcorn whilst we watched "Marley and Me" the film, excellent film and absolutely loved the dog, though as per usual with them types of films the ending made me cry, or at least well up.

Was that a sign of things to come? I normally get soppy over movies, especially "Titanic" that film gets me in my heart every time, but I'm just wondering now whether it was a sign that I'm really emotionally drained. Although I can't see why, nothing major has happened, well by nothing major I mean lots of small things like work issues and home issues you know stuff that can play on your mind without you actually knowing it?

Saturday was definitely a sign of how drained I am if nothing else but tired as well. I'm really ready for my holiday in September, I think I need it to prepare myself for the onslaught of having zero time off bar bank holidays after the 2ND of October comes and goes, that's it until I can start booking holidays next year. That should be around end of February/March time, I'm definitely looking forwards to it.

Moving back to my point, Saturday was draining, yesterday I knew I reached a point where I was seriously lacking something in my life - namely sleep. I'm not usually one to get tired, even if I wake up at 5:30am on Thursday's, Friday's and Saturday's, it's just not me, but the last few days staying at my brother's had really taken its toll on me and it showed.

As soon as I got up Saturday morning I was cleaning and preparing and what not for Tom and Gemma's come home day, I like to leave them with a nice clean house and unfortunately my girlie night in with Sam the night before had overrun so I had zero time Friday night to do what I wanted in time and still get sleep time.

It wasn't until around 4pm yesterday afternoon that it hit me, I was incredibly tired, like you wouldn't believe I was falling asleep where I sat at the checkout, even tho I was talking to customers and what not I was literally falling asleep, I even stood up to try and compensate myself, but I was still falling asleep, standing up can you believe it? I couldn't, so I asked for my break early and thankfully I got it.

Almost straight the way (bless Laura's heart) So I went and brought some caffeine pills known as "Pro Plus" it wasn't until after I'd taken them had a can of Redbull AND Cola, a chocolate boost bar three cigarettes that I realized:

1) You SHOULDN'T take them with other high caffeine products and/or:
1a) You should reduce the amount of tablets you take if your consuming high caffeine products.
2)You SHOULD not take them with BETA Blockers and/or:
2a) You should consult your Doctor or Pharmacist if you do. And finally:
3)You should not take them if you suffer with Anxiety as it can heighten Anxiety problems.

Safe to say I think I reacted to them rather well, I have anxiety issues and apart from some mild shaking I didn't react too badly. The BETA blockers I take - Propanalol (sp?) - didn't seem too interfered, the shaking which normally is controlled by the BETA blockers must have been cause by the interference from the caffeine pills so I wasn't too worried and the only other side effects were that I felt incredibly thirsty and felt like I was high on drugs or weed to be exact.

But hey it kept me awake and that was what I needed! I couldn't have driven home the way I was and god knows how I would have made it through the rest of the shift without them, safe to say that maybe the side effects were worth it, even for just that reason.

So you thought my day ended there? Nah it gets worse unfortunately. So after I went to pick up the remaining bits from Tom's house (even though I still forgot some discs I'd taken over with music on, d'oh!) I started to make my way back home oblivious as to what had been going on in my own home without me there.

Tom and Gemma had arrived back from Skeg-Vegas at some point and after doing a few things Gemma came over to do washing ( they have no washing machine at the moment) Tom was at home mowing the grass...

Apparently around 7 it must have been, Gemma took a cup of tea into my dad in the living room and his face had dropped and he couldn't speak, Gemma went tearing into my mum and said my dad couldn't speak, mum came tearing in and it had happened... She rang the emergency doctor (NOT 999 just to be clear) eventually as my dad is stubborn and after he started to come out of it he repeated that he DIDN'T want a doctor, but with a phone call from Tom, who apparently came straight over not long after. Mum made the phone call and the doctor arrived around 8pm and told us (or rather mum, Tom and Gemma) that dad looks to have had a mini stroke... Dad had a temperature too and the doctor reckoned he has a water infection... He was able to give him some antibiotics from his car to treat the infection, but my dad has to go straight to the doctor's tomorrow (Monday) morning and they're gonna refer him to the hospital for tests, presumably on his heart.

So today he's packing his suitcase just in case he has to stay in hospital...To be honest I don't know what I'm thinking or feeling right now or today for that matter. I'm numb and I think I may be suffering the after effects of being incredibly high on caffeine yesterday.

I've been in a weird slash bad mood since I woke up and I don't know why...I see that mums taking all this really hard and yet I'm unable to comfort her, not because I don't want to but because I don't think I know how...I cant even bring myself to be strong let alone be strong for every one else.

A part of me wants to run away, right now leave the house and not face my problems, but I know I cant do that, I cant just drop everything here and leave my family when they most need me. I think this may be the reason for my anger and self pity today, I'm worried but trying to be strong clashed with anger and self pity and a mix of what ifs crossing my mind.

I don't want to loose my dad and I love him so much...I know he's getting old now, but he's doing really well for a man his age, I don't want to think that this may be a warning, may be it was, may be we need to watch his diabetes's more or something else I don't know but it's hit this family hard.

Right now I'm feeling tearful and broken I guess, even though it's not fair for me to feel that way, I have to be strong, I have to be for mum and for dad...God I hope this year isn't the year for this... We can't loose you yet dad we still need you, I still need you, to prove who I am to you...

God help me...

Sunday, 23 August 2009

Wake Me Up When September Ends

Friday, 7 August 2009

Scary Stuff