Then A Hero Comes Along With The Strength To Carry On...

Hey guys! Long time no speak!

This may be quite long, depending on how quick I can type, according to Facebook not very quick lmao. I did one of those typing applications the other day, they told me my speed was 23 words per minute with 93% accuracy, hmm.

Although you guys know very different, I have this permanent typo stuck in my fingers, I blame my nails. :D

Anyway, apologies for the lack of updates just lately, I've had Internet issues with my Broadband provider which took two weeks to fix! I swear these companies expect you to pay out and when you do you think your paying for this great service but in actual fact I think some big wig sits there and laughs at your stupidity! Safe to say mom had words with them otherwise I'd still be Internet-less today. Urgh I give up on commercial brands.

Of course the main reason for lack of keeping you informed was that I spent most of my time WITH you for real. I had my pre booked holiday at the end of September, it was awesome, two weeks of complete bliss...To not not be at work was lovely, I think it suits me I should do it more often lol :)

Part of me wants to b e a mommy for that reason, is that selfish? Or maybe just the fact some days I can be extremely lazy! But don't we all have those days? I've become a lot more active just recently...Which is kind of a good feeling, seeing as I spent a heck of a lot of time behind a computer screen for a heck of a long time!

I went to the hospital to have my first appointment with the "Endocrine" Clinic the other day, had all the usual tests done before speaking with the Doctor himself who was actually very mean! He had a really bad attitude problem and to be honest I'm dreading going back to see him in January. He put me on these tablets "Metformin." I have to take three a day but I had to build up to that gradually, started off taking one a day for a couple of days then two a day for a couple of days, then three a day until I go back to see him.

I'm not sure what he's hoping they'll achieve, but we'll see how that goes. Apart from that I've been doing a heck of a lot round the house, trying to take care of Poppy and her fleas - that's the one thing with having a cat they get major flea problems, but thankfully I think we've finally started to cure the problem. You see with Kittens it's so hard to flea control them, they cant really have flea spray or anything because their too young, the vet gave us this spot on thing that you put on the back of her neck, but she's so skittish about having it put on that when we did get it on (I promptly missed and got her shoulder) she licked it straight off which in turn made her sick and urgh you know the rest...

But it's sorted for the most part now, we're trying to control them the best we can. But as ever she's growing and you know what I really don't see it! So many people have told me how big she's getting at what not but the reality of it is, because I live with her she's just the same every day to me.



She was born ironically enough on my birthday and the same day Michael Jackson died so I'm wondering now whether my perfect pussy is the reincarnation of MJ, lol, if she starts doing the dance to thriller, or eyes me suspiciously I'll let you guys know! Wouldn't that be awesome though.... :D

Work has been good, well as good as it can be, work is work after all and I don't think there's one person out there who runs around screaming "Yes! I have 10 hours of work today oh my god I love it!" Although that'd be really funny.

I've noticed just recently that I'm using this blog as more of a diary, then as appose to somewhere where I can share my thoughts and feelings on certain situations and events. I'm not really sure what to say about that other than I'm trying not to turn this into a Emo-Kid's Gothic slasher horror novel, more just me writing down whatever comes into my head at the time.

Another update, I've started wearing my glasses again, mostly to combat the horrible headaches I keep getting. Especially at work, and though I haven't worn them for a long time it's helping a lot with reading and writing both of which I'm doing a heck of a lot of right now.

It feels good to wear them and they are really comfortable, though I'm short sighted so it's no good for me when I'm driving, though I have worn them a couple of times when I'm driving to and from work, but at night they make things worse so I'm gonna stick to keeping them off whilst driving home in the dark from work.

Not a good photo but meh. It'll do just for a glance, I havent made a video on here for a while and its starting to get to me, I love writing cos I have more time to find and express my feelings without writing it down before hand for a video.

Like to give some shout-outs though to two people Gem and Sam who both lost loved ones just recently, I've spoken to guys personally about it so you know what I said but you know, just a shout out to let you know where I am if you need me.

On a side note Sam and I are planning "Tour de England" for next year a roadtrip for a couple of days where were gonna hire a car and just travel north hopefully, need to sort out the finer print but you know that'll come, we're not planning the "Tour De England" til July time next year so that'll be something to look forwards to!

Gonna start wrapping this blog post up now as its already way too long, September was...A crazy month for me, as most of you guys know. I planned to start an awesome journey with someone who I loved very much, unfortunately it didnt work, a part of me is glad I found out that before I actually went over there and made a fool of myself, another part of me is sad because I wanted it to be special, I thought he was the one, a part of me still wonders what could have been, but obviously god time or fate or whatever didn't want us to be together and that's cool, I'm okay with that now...To a degree, I know there's someone out there even more special that maybe I'm supposed to be with and that's why I wake up eah morning with a smile, knowing that one day I'll be really happy.

I cried a couple of times during the time off, thinking of it all, but for once I didnt break down into a sob, I actually started to realize that I'm a really special girl with a wonderful personality, I have so much to offer and when that time comes it'll be better than maybe I imagined it would be and not having to be travelling half way across the world to be told where to go.

I'm happy now, I've discovered my friends and family are really important to me, they were there for me when it all went down the pan and they've stayed there through it all, that to me is more special than any relationship with any man. I hope you guys know where I am if you need me.

So that's about it, I'll see most of you guys either online or out in the vastness of England, so keep me updated people I love you guys take care until next time... :)

£> xxx All my love xxx <3




Currently Listening To: Candyman - Christina Aguilera

Time Love & Tenderness

Hey all how's it going?


I have some time to kill tonight before bed, although maybe I should actually be getting ready for bed but that's not the point. I looked back at the last couple of posts I'd written here on my blog - just by chance - and noticed they appeared to be a bit morbid...Okay, OKAY a lot morbid, so I've had it rough the last little while what with dad having a stroke and all...

But today I've had a really good day! Wednesday's and Sunday's are my day's off and their always extremely enjoyable. But today I just felt really happy, maybe some slight tension relief after everything that's been going on with my dad.

So I'll go into it a bit, but I don't want to ruin the mood so I'll just give you guys the basic outline. As I explained in my last post dad had a stroke, thankfully a minor one. We took him to the docs and the next day he had an all day appointment at the hospital (these guys don't hang about with stroke victims) we spent the whole day there and he had a brain scan which revealed he'd had another smaller stroke which left some damage on his brain before this one...

His arteries in his neck were revealed to be 50% blocked on one side and 20% on the other which (as the doc said) isn't at the point where they need to operate thankfully. He has a heart murmur which he'll need to have an ECG for I presume but we're not sure when, since then he's been docs a few times and it's all been a bit stressful for him.

We're trying to keep stress levels to a minimum and he's not allowed to drive for a calendar month from the date of the stroke. We're all deeply worried about him and my mum in particular, I'm just worried about everyone, worried about my brother about my dad and mum and how their handling it all. I'm amazed at myself for how strong I've been, it's been a real roller coaster and so far touch wood, he hasn't had another one (though we had a scare the other day when we thought he may have had one in his sleep but he was showing no obvious signs apart from complete memory loss....)

So that's the update on that. I've been watching a ton of movies again, mostly horror and animated films such as Madagascar and Bolt and horror films such as the good old chuckster from the Child's Play movies - god I love that guy he makes me CRY laughing.

Not sure if I mentioned it yet but we have a kitten now! Her name is poppy picture is below...



She's an adorable kitten, VERY playful but still very skittish, she had a BAD life before she got to us and she's finding it hard to adjust to us treating her like a part of the family instead of like a piece of dirt.

We love her so much, she's one of us now and she's done my dad the world of good, he's calling her "my cat" all the time, especially when he can't find her he'll come up to one of us and ask "where's my cat?" it's great, really gave him something to hang on for if that sounds good?

Me and my mum love her don't get me wrong, but we're DOG people and so even though my dad's not quite for it at the moment (me and mum are still going ahead with it) by Christmas time we hope to be settling a new puppy into the Hodgson household. To be exact what I've always wanted - a Labrador puppy. Not sure if we'll go for a yellow, chocolate or black puppy just yet, depends on what';s around at the time...Their expensive puppies at £250 per shot. I'll keep you posted.

I've got Michael Bolton on tonight if you haven't already guessed from the title, been speaking to a guy from Brazil who I randomly met online tonight and he's been remarking at how polite I am and what not - I guess it's always nice to have your self confidence boosted a bit, I can't say that about too many guys in this world.

So apart from having a raging telephone call with a telephone salesman earlier today I've made the most of my day off, had a full pyjama day today, stayed in my PJ's alllllllllll day :) loving it!

Oh and England won in the world cup qualifier with Croatia! Bring it on!

So I'm gonna cut this one loose and leave you guys with a reminder that this is officially my song (listen out for my name at 0.48 secs) :



And to take a look at this, it'll make you laugh I swear!

http://news.uk.msn.com/odd-news/article.aspx?cp-documentid=149601784

Love you guys xxxx

Easy Doesn't Enter Into Grown Up Life

Hey all,

Guess I didn't really feel like making a video today either, truthfully? Didn't plan on writing a blog post at 01:04am either. Just finished watching a film "The Weatherman" with Nicholas Cage....He's a fantastic actor.

I guess I've had a lot of things on my mind tonight...Today. Bank Holiday Monday, a day when people sit around with each other, basically like your second Sunday. Didn't feel much like doing anything today anyway.

In these quiet times I get to thinking...Thinking about a lot of things, today was no exception. I feel like I'm standing on the edge of this huge Crater, waiting for something to happen, anything, and as I stand there feeling this undefinable breeze around my neck, I suddenly realize it's not going to happen.

I found myself wishing for things to go back the way they were when I was happy not long ago, this evening. Films do that to me, I tend to compare people in movies to myself, I relate to characters is more what I'm trying to say.

"The Weatherman" didn't do much for me, except relate to the fact that the lead character - "The actual weatherman" had issues, just like me. I don't feel like I belong anywhere, I feel like I'm constantly missing out on something...Or just not wanting to be apart of anything.

I...Feel lost and gone, not in your average type of way, I feel like I'm literally lost inside my own world. So many things leave me and never come back that I end up wondering if its me or if its them or it. I'm loosing my ability to focus on the future and instead resolve to reliving the past over and over inside of my head, why do I do this? How can I control this? Am I some fictitious character like in the films I watch, are they describing my life?

This sounds ridiculous and empty, not like me, I'm the good girl the always smiling happy go lucky kinda girl, people get weird when I get upset. I'm offended easily, I'm twisted in ways I don't understand, neither do I wish to.

Right now all I wanna do is curl up in a ball on my bed and stare out at the stars, amazing really - little tiny balls of light that have travelled millions of light years to get to my eyes so I can see them sparkling in the sky...Is that a good thing? Or depiction of another part of me that I'm missing?

I am just a broken puzzle with little bits of me scattered all over the place, Leicester, Manchester, Birmingham, Skegness, Los Angeles, Calgary various places where a part of me has been left behind, the list goes on...Every time I go away I leave a piece of me behind...I don't know what my hearts pinning so desperately for tonight...

Comfort?
Energy?
Love?
Hope?

I feel so empty and lost and alone, but, isn't that what I wanted?

Wake Me Up When September Ends

Hey guys, hows you all?

Don't feel much like making a video today, it's been a weird couple of days the last few days and I'm hoping that this isn't the start of a downhill slope into eventual....Something-ness.

Had a great time the last week just staying at my brother's whilst him, Gemma and the kids ventured off into the wilderness slash beachness known to locals and us lot in Leicestershire as "Skeg-Vegas." They had a great time, more than likely spent a load of money and now it's back to the grindstone of every day life.

Friday I had a girlie night in with my best friend in the whole world Sam. We cooked then ate pizza and had cinema style popcorn whilst we watched "Marley and Me" the film, excellent film and absolutely loved the dog, though as per usual with them types of films the ending made me cry, or at least well up.

Was that a sign of things to come? I normally get soppy over movies, especially "Titanic" that film gets me in my heart every time, but I'm just wondering now whether it was a sign that I'm really emotionally drained. Although I can't see why, nothing major has happened, well by nothing major I mean lots of small things like work issues and home issues you know stuff that can play on your mind without you actually knowing it?

Saturday was definitely a sign of how drained I am if nothing else but tired as well. I'm really ready for my holiday in September, I think I need it to prepare myself for the onslaught of having zero time off bar bank holidays after the 2ND of October comes and goes, that's it until I can start booking holidays next year. That should be around end of February/March time, I'm definitely looking forwards to it.

Moving back to my point, Saturday was draining, yesterday I knew I reached a point where I was seriously lacking something in my life - namely sleep. I'm not usually one to get tired, even if I wake up at 5:30am on Thursday's, Friday's and Saturday's, it's just not me, but the last few days staying at my brother's had really taken its toll on me and it showed.

As soon as I got up Saturday morning I was cleaning and preparing and what not for Tom and Gemma's come home day, I like to leave them with a nice clean house and unfortunately my girlie night in with Sam the night before had overrun so I had zero time Friday night to do what I wanted in time and still get sleep time.

It wasn't until around 4pm yesterday afternoon that it hit me, I was incredibly tired, like you wouldn't believe I was falling asleep where I sat at the checkout, even tho I was talking to customers and what not I was literally falling asleep, I even stood up to try and compensate myself, but I was still falling asleep, standing up can you believe it? I couldn't, so I asked for my break early and thankfully I got it.

Almost straight the way (bless Laura's heart) So I went and brought some caffeine pills known as "Pro Plus" it wasn't until after I'd taken them had a can of Redbull AND Cola, a chocolate boost bar three cigarettes that I realized:

1) You SHOULDN'T take them with other high caffeine products and/or:
1a) You should reduce the amount of tablets you take if your consuming high caffeine products.
2)You SHOULD not take them with BETA Blockers and/or:
2a) You should consult your Doctor or Pharmacist if you do. And finally:
3)You should not take them if you suffer with Anxiety as it can heighten Anxiety problems.

Safe to say I think I reacted to them rather well, I have anxiety issues and apart from some mild shaking I didn't react too badly. The BETA blockers I take - Propanalol (sp?) - didn't seem too interfered, the shaking which normally is controlled by the BETA blockers must have been cause by the interference from the caffeine pills so I wasn't too worried and the only other side effects were that I felt incredibly thirsty and felt like I was high on drugs or weed to be exact.

But hey it kept me awake and that was what I needed! I couldn't have driven home the way I was and god knows how I would have made it through the rest of the shift without them, safe to say that maybe the side effects were worth it, even for just that reason.

So you thought my day ended there? Nah it gets worse unfortunately. So after I went to pick up the remaining bits from Tom's house (even though I still forgot some discs I'd taken over with music on, d'oh!) I started to make my way back home oblivious as to what had been going on in my own home without me there.

Tom and Gemma had arrived back from Skeg-Vegas at some point and after doing a few things Gemma came over to do washing ( they have no washing machine at the moment) Tom was at home mowing the grass...

Apparently around 7 it must have been, Gemma took a cup of tea into my dad in the living room and his face had dropped and he couldn't speak, Gemma went tearing into my mum and said my dad couldn't speak, mum came tearing in and it had happened... She rang the emergency doctor (NOT 999 just to be clear) eventually as my dad is stubborn and after he started to come out of it he repeated that he DIDN'T want a doctor, but with a phone call from Tom, who apparently came straight over not long after. Mum made the phone call and the doctor arrived around 8pm and told us (or rather mum, Tom and Gemma) that dad looks to have had a mini stroke... Dad had a temperature too and the doctor reckoned he has a water infection... He was able to give him some antibiotics from his car to treat the infection, but my dad has to go straight to the doctor's tomorrow (Monday) morning and they're gonna refer him to the hospital for tests, presumably on his heart.

So today he's packing his suitcase just in case he has to stay in hospital...To be honest I don't know what I'm thinking or feeling right now or today for that matter. I'm numb and I think I may be suffering the after effects of being incredibly high on caffeine yesterday.

I've been in a weird slash bad mood since I woke up and I don't know why...I see that mums taking all this really hard and yet I'm unable to comfort her, not because I don't want to but because I don't think I know how...I cant even bring myself to be strong let alone be strong for every one else.

A part of me wants to run away, right now leave the house and not face my problems, but I know I cant do that, I cant just drop everything here and leave my family when they most need me. I think this may be the reason for my anger and self pity today, I'm worried but trying to be strong clashed with anger and self pity and a mix of what ifs crossing my mind.

I don't want to loose my dad and I love him so much...I know he's getting old now, but he's doing really well for a man his age, I don't want to think that this may be a warning, may be it was, may be we need to watch his diabetes's more or something else I don't know but it's hit this family hard.

Right now I'm feeling tearful and broken I guess, even though it's not fair for me to feel that way, I have to be strong, I have to be for mum and for dad...God I hope this year isn't the year for this... We can't loose you yet dad we still need you, I still need you, to prove who I am to you...

God help me...

Scary Stuff

BE WARNED THIS VIDEO CONTAINS SHOCKING IMAGES THAT SOME VIEWERS MAY FIND OFFENSIVE, IF YOU DO NOT LIKE SCARY MOVIES DO NOT WATCH THIS VIDEO, VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!!!!!!!

Short Disclaimer for anyone who cares: I DO NOT own the rights to any of the footage in this video apart from the bits with me in, neither do I own the soundtrack thank you very, very much and have a nice day!!!!! :D

Oh and enjoy the video.... ;)




The Abandoned Trailer:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BXXc2QdKyqc

Murdoch Madness

Gone Murdoch mad with a group of other Murdoch fans just recently, there's a group of us who've been creating some Murdoch tribute videos... Yes I was sad enough to make my own and actually I'm REALLY proud of it and MASSIVELY enjoyed getting back into the video making scene...Boy have I missed it!!!

Anyway below is my video it's linked up from Youtube and my account on Youtube, enjoy my little Murdoch fans =D :





Peace all love ya xxxxxxxxx


Currently Listening To: Well if you can't guess it.... lmao

Happy Birthday Ty

Happy Birthday to my little nephew angel I love you loads Ty xxxxx