I Wish

Hey all, how's it goin? Hope you had a good Christmas!


Felt in the mood for posting on here tonight, being as I finally have the time to sit down and jot down what's going through my head right now. As for "The Tape" series that I'd started in my previous post, it's going to have to be side lined till I'm just less...stressed?

It's been a hectic December, though I expected as much, working retail and working for the largest supermarket in the UK has its disadvantages. I'm tired, really tired and at the moment flu'd up to my eyes balls with a cold. I'm struggling to find the will at the moment.

I'd say since I last really posted how I was feeling, I've had some major ups and downs, but I feel like a part of me is finally settling down, thanks to my wonderful guy Dave. He owns a part of me I'd forgotten...I didn't think I could get back. He's like my rock, he keeps me going, keeps me strong, for this there aren't enough words to show me devotion to him - my gratitude.

Work's okay I guess, ups and downs mostly ups. We keep going from majorly busy to deadly silent, Saturday night was the most quiet I've seen it in months! By the time it was time to go home the shop was dead, I felt sorry for the others that were there till 10pm and later, it was almost completely empty.

I'm worried about a few things personally at the moment, one of the major things being that I'm starting to think the beta blockers I take for my nerves are starting to wear off, or my body is becoming adjusted to them. I take them for several reasons but the most important one being that I suffer with nerves, I remember before I took them, feeling physically sick one morning when my brother and I and his girlfriend at the time were going on holiday to Skeggy. I was ILL, my nerves were absolutely shot - this was one of the worst experiences that I've had with my nerves, the other more poignant memory was the day I took my driving test.

I can imagine that stress has eaten away at me, yet to be honest I don't really have THAT much to make me THAT bad. I remember after the holiday nightmare morning, coming home after the holiday and knowing my plight to find a cure for this nervousness sent me to the Internet.

I wanted answers. Plain and simple, so I remember searching on and off for days about reasons why this would happen, signs - coming up with diseases such as Parkinson's, getting myself wound up thinking something was wrong with me. Mum kept pestering me to go doctors, I'm not a fan of doctors, I seem to end up visiting the hospital after my doctors appointments, so to say I was reluctant to go would be saying it in the most gentle way.

Eventually I found a self help guide on the Internet - which to be honest I DID follow for as long as I could until I realized it just WASN'T working, I'd find myself in the shakes badly, I remember just before I started working for Tesco in June 2006 was when I FINALLY caved in and went doctors.

Mum booked me an appointment for the afternoon and I went, reluctantly, thinking she wouldn't help me. Doctors seem to rather want to push me away and tell me to get on with it than help me. But maybe I'm biased, I spent most of my childhood in the hospital for one reason or another, so I learnt to hate them with a passion.

After visiting the doctors she'd actually supplied me with a drug, beta blockers and to save you going on the net to find out what they are and what they do I have copied it from Wiki:

"Beta blockers (sometimes written as β-blocker) are a class of drugs used for various indications, but particularly for the management of cardiac arrhythmias, cardioprotection after myocardial infarction (heart attack), and hypertension."

So here's this wonder drug in my hands that I've been using for the past two years and so far I've had no problem, well save for the time when I took cold and flu tablets. Apparently you cant take cold and flu tablets with them as they counter-act each other, I'd had some serious dizzy spells for the past few days before hand, thought it was the cold I'd had at the time went to buy more cold and flu tablets from the chemist and the pharmacist wouldn't give them to me as I'd told him I was taking beta blockers. Apparently beta blockers lower your heart rate, where cold and flu tablets tend have the opposite effect, increasing your heart rate which is why I felt bad. But anyway...

So yesterday I had an "episode" in the morning, haven't told my mum or dad or anyone to be honest about it. I woke up -later- and was getting ready to go out to Tesco pick up some discs that I wanted. My hands were trembling, I felt bad, it was terrible, haven't had one panic attack like that for a long time. Took the beta blocker asap, can't be doing with being in the middle of a panic attack whilst driving and normally they take what 15 mins to an hour to start working... I felt bad STILL last night, before I went bed, it wasn't as bad but I could feel my hands shaking, it was all pent up inside the beta blockers had took the edge off but now I'm sat here worrying that their starting to wear off. That my body is becoming adjusted to the drug and I'm going to have to go see if I can get a stronger version.

Wow have I really rambled on about that for the past half an hour? Hmm...Damn.

As we draw to an end of 2008 I'm sat here wishing I could make things better/different for me, for Dave for my family for his family for everyone...make world peace, end hunger you know the usual day to day stuff? Lol. But I don't foresee myself winning the lottery any time soon so I'm gonna have to make do...

I was thinking back on a few things that had happened this year, wondering what note to leave myself for next year... A few things came to mind, things that I regret, things that I wish I could do over, choices I made the things I said...the things I didn't, people I've lost, friends I've gained.

I see random people I haven't seen for a so long now and one guy in particular sticks in my head. Normally see him when I'm working self serve and saw him Saturday morning, old chap (wont mention his name for privacy reasons) came over to self serve and I used to know him from when he worked for Tesco with us on the checkouts. Was on about how this was his first Christmas without his wife and how all his family had up and gone and he'd spent most of his time alone... I could see the pain in his eyes, it made me hurt just thinking about it.

If I didn't have Dave how would I feel, how lucky am I that even though we're so far apart I at least got to speak and see him this Christmas, some people, like him won't see his wife again at Christmas.

New Year's Eve is when stuff like this hits me, you may or may not get a post from me New Year's Eve, I end up feeling the sting of the years events mostly then and though this year has had its downs my life was dramatically changed for the better.

I've have this wonderful guy, who makes me feel so...alive and free and loved and special and a million other things, I'm thankful for him this year, without him I'd probably be just a dead Cat spending another year inside her dead world this New Year's Eve.

Anyway, think I'm gonna cut this one off, slipping into a reflective loved up mood which I'm sure you don't wanna hear me go on about.

Happy New Year all! xxxxxxxxxxxx



Currently Listening To: http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=BTMwMIUgpk4&feature=channel_page