Time Love & Tenderness

Hey all how's it going?


I have some time to kill tonight before bed, although maybe I should actually be getting ready for bed but that's not the point. I looked back at the last couple of posts I'd written here on my blog - just by chance - and noticed they appeared to be a bit morbid...Okay, OKAY a lot morbid, so I've had it rough the last little while what with dad having a stroke and all...

But today I've had a really good day! Wednesday's and Sunday's are my day's off and their always extremely enjoyable. But today I just felt really happy, maybe some slight tension relief after everything that's been going on with my dad.

So I'll go into it a bit, but I don't want to ruin the mood so I'll just give you guys the basic outline. As I explained in my last post dad had a stroke, thankfully a minor one. We took him to the docs and the next day he had an all day appointment at the hospital (these guys don't hang about with stroke victims) we spent the whole day there and he had a brain scan which revealed he'd had another smaller stroke which left some damage on his brain before this one...

His arteries in his neck were revealed to be 50% blocked on one side and 20% on the other which (as the doc said) isn't at the point where they need to operate thankfully. He has a heart murmur which he'll need to have an ECG for I presume but we're not sure when, since then he's been docs a few times and it's all been a bit stressful for him.

We're trying to keep stress levels to a minimum and he's not allowed to drive for a calendar month from the date of the stroke. We're all deeply worried about him and my mum in particular, I'm just worried about everyone, worried about my brother about my dad and mum and how their handling it all. I'm amazed at myself for how strong I've been, it's been a real roller coaster and so far touch wood, he hasn't had another one (though we had a scare the other day when we thought he may have had one in his sleep but he was showing no obvious signs apart from complete memory loss....)

So that's the update on that. I've been watching a ton of movies again, mostly horror and animated films such as Madagascar and Bolt and horror films such as the good old chuckster from the Child's Play movies - god I love that guy he makes me CRY laughing.

Not sure if I mentioned it yet but we have a kitten now! Her name is poppy picture is below...



She's an adorable kitten, VERY playful but still very skittish, she had a BAD life before she got to us and she's finding it hard to adjust to us treating her like a part of the family instead of like a piece of dirt.

We love her so much, she's one of us now and she's done my dad the world of good, he's calling her "my cat" all the time, especially when he can't find her he'll come up to one of us and ask "where's my cat?" it's great, really gave him something to hang on for if that sounds good?

Me and my mum love her don't get me wrong, but we're DOG people and so even though my dad's not quite for it at the moment (me and mum are still going ahead with it) by Christmas time we hope to be settling a new puppy into the Hodgson household. To be exact what I've always wanted - a Labrador puppy. Not sure if we'll go for a yellow, chocolate or black puppy just yet, depends on what';s around at the time...Their expensive puppies at £250 per shot. I'll keep you posted.

I've got Michael Bolton on tonight if you haven't already guessed from the title, been speaking to a guy from Brazil who I randomly met online tonight and he's been remarking at how polite I am and what not - I guess it's always nice to have your self confidence boosted a bit, I can't say that about too many guys in this world.

So apart from having a raging telephone call with a telephone salesman earlier today I've made the most of my day off, had a full pyjama day today, stayed in my PJ's alllllllllll day :) loving it!

Oh and England won in the world cup qualifier with Croatia! Bring it on!

So I'm gonna cut this one loose and leave you guys with a reminder that this is officially my song (listen out for my name at 0.48 secs) :



And to take a look at this, it'll make you laugh I swear!

http://news.uk.msn.com/odd-news/article.aspx?cp-documentid=149601784

Love you guys xxxx

Easy Doesn't Enter Into Grown Up Life

Hey all,

Guess I didn't really feel like making a video today either, truthfully? Didn't plan on writing a blog post at 01:04am either. Just finished watching a film "The Weatherman" with Nicholas Cage....He's a fantastic actor.

I guess I've had a lot of things on my mind tonight...Today. Bank Holiday Monday, a day when people sit around with each other, basically like your second Sunday. Didn't feel much like doing anything today anyway.

In these quiet times I get to thinking...Thinking about a lot of things, today was no exception. I feel like I'm standing on the edge of this huge Crater, waiting for something to happen, anything, and as I stand there feeling this undefinable breeze around my neck, I suddenly realize it's not going to happen.

I found myself wishing for things to go back the way they were when I was happy not long ago, this evening. Films do that to me, I tend to compare people in movies to myself, I relate to characters is more what I'm trying to say.

"The Weatherman" didn't do much for me, except relate to the fact that the lead character - "The actual weatherman" had issues, just like me. I don't feel like I belong anywhere, I feel like I'm constantly missing out on something...Or just not wanting to be apart of anything.

I...Feel lost and gone, not in your average type of way, I feel like I'm literally lost inside my own world. So many things leave me and never come back that I end up wondering if its me or if its them or it. I'm loosing my ability to focus on the future and instead resolve to reliving the past over and over inside of my head, why do I do this? How can I control this? Am I some fictitious character like in the films I watch, are they describing my life?

This sounds ridiculous and empty, not like me, I'm the good girl the always smiling happy go lucky kinda girl, people get weird when I get upset. I'm offended easily, I'm twisted in ways I don't understand, neither do I wish to.

Right now all I wanna do is curl up in a ball on my bed and stare out at the stars, amazing really - little tiny balls of light that have travelled millions of light years to get to my eyes so I can see them sparkling in the sky...Is that a good thing? Or depiction of another part of me that I'm missing?

I am just a broken puzzle with little bits of me scattered all over the place, Leicester, Manchester, Birmingham, Skegness, Los Angeles, Calgary various places where a part of me has been left behind, the list goes on...Every time I go away I leave a piece of me behind...I don't know what my hearts pinning so desperately for tonight...

Comfort?
Energy?
Love?
Hope?

I feel so empty and lost and alone, but, isn't that what I wanted?