Easy Doesn't Enter Into Grown Up Life

Hey all,

Guess I didn't really feel like making a video today either, truthfully? Didn't plan on writing a blog post at 01:04am either. Just finished watching a film "The Weatherman" with Nicholas Cage....He's a fantastic actor.

I guess I've had a lot of things on my mind tonight...Today. Bank Holiday Monday, a day when people sit around with each other, basically like your second Sunday. Didn't feel much like doing anything today anyway.

In these quiet times I get to thinking...Thinking about a lot of things, today was no exception. I feel like I'm standing on the edge of this huge Crater, waiting for something to happen, anything, and as I stand there feeling this undefinable breeze around my neck, I suddenly realize it's not going to happen.

I found myself wishing for things to go back the way they were when I was happy not long ago, this evening. Films do that to me, I tend to compare people in movies to myself, I relate to characters is more what I'm trying to say.

"The Weatherman" didn't do much for me, except relate to the fact that the lead character - "The actual weatherman" had issues, just like me. I don't feel like I belong anywhere, I feel like I'm constantly missing out on something...Or just not wanting to be apart of anything.

I...Feel lost and gone, not in your average type of way, I feel like I'm literally lost inside my own world. So many things leave me and never come back that I end up wondering if its me or if its them or it. I'm loosing my ability to focus on the future and instead resolve to reliving the past over and over inside of my head, why do I do this? How can I control this? Am I some fictitious character like in the films I watch, are they describing my life?

This sounds ridiculous and empty, not like me, I'm the good girl the always smiling happy go lucky kinda girl, people get weird when I get upset. I'm offended easily, I'm twisted in ways I don't understand, neither do I wish to.

Right now all I wanna do is curl up in a ball on my bed and stare out at the stars, amazing really - little tiny balls of light that have travelled millions of light years to get to my eyes so I can see them sparkling in the sky...Is that a good thing? Or depiction of another part of me that I'm missing?

I am just a broken puzzle with little bits of me scattered all over the place, Leicester, Manchester, Birmingham, Skegness, Los Angeles, Calgary various places where a part of me has been left behind, the list goes on...Every time I go away I leave a piece of me behind...I don't know what my hearts pinning so desperately for tonight...

Comfort?
Energy?
Love?
Hope?

I feel so empty and lost and alone, but, isn't that what I wanted?