I Wish I Could Break All The Chains Holding Me

I suppose I'm sat here wondering what to write because I feel like I have so much to say and not enough words to express it. I've been wanting to write something here for a few days now, just felt like I didn't really know how.

I've got so many things going round inside my head that I wish sometimes I could stop this magic roundabout and get off. Do you ever have days where you wish that you could turn back the clock to a time when you were at your most happiest? That you could live inside your happiest dream forever and ever and not have to worry about anything ever again?

I do frequently, I guess it's my way of dealing with strong emotions that I'd rather push down inside my stomach and never remember again.

I remember being little and seeing my dad working on cars, watching him as he happily worked away fixing this and that, being active and free and balanced in his life. He had a daily routine, went to work and did odd jobs, I loved it. I loved watching him be my dad and watching him do things that made him happy.

As I've grown, so did he obviously and now I'm a young woman of 24 years of age, wondering if my dad is going to live another year. He's changed so much, become so helpless and low. I put on a brave face, I have to and I certainly don't cry in front of him because that's just who I am. I save my crying for my room and my room only. Well bar some instances where I've cried at work but they were for different reasons entirely.

I'm worried incredibly about him and his health, I'm worried about my home life simple things like my cat 'Poppy' and money and bills and Christmas you know the usual?

I've mentioned in my last post the problems that I was having with my brother and such last time. Things have got much better... Well with him and his girlfriend anyway.

I'm still stuck in a rut, I'm incredibly low right now and hurt. My mum and dad have forgiven and forgotten and have moved forwards, but I'm... Not. I'm finding it hard to let go of things my brother did and said, things his girlfriend did and said and stuff that happened. I feel like everyone thinks I'm being selfish, but had they spoken to me at all they'd realize I'm not. Or at least I'm not trying to be.

On top of all my other worries I have this to deal with, I cant face them at all and its not because I don't love them or don't want to see them it's just because I'm lost and alone. I'm afraid of letting go of my feelings that are all twisted up inside my heart, both of them hurt me in ways they wouldn't understand, I'm one of these people who cant just forgive and forget like that, the pain of an argument, even a simple one can stay with me for a long time.

Is that being selfish? To feel hurt and pain after being told horrible things by people that you love more than anything? Maybe it is, maybe I am being selfish and not supporting my brother for every turn. I cant just let go and if they cant see that then I'm sorry, sorry for being me.

But then I've been sorry for being me before. I openly have said to many people that I wish I was someone else, someone who meant something to somebody. I guess I'm going to have to live with who I am, I cant change who I am and to try WOULD be selfish. I'm not really making any sense right now.

On top of all of that, I woke up this morning and suddenly had this aching desire to write a conclusion about my failed love attempt with my ex. It's resurfaced feelings that have brought me to tears today and I have no idea why.

It's been around about 8 months now since we broke up and for some reason he was the first thing on my mind when I woke up. Maybe I'm pushing so much emotion away and pain that stuff is falling out the sides and he could be one of them.

Even after 8 months I feel, something is still breathing inside of me, something makes me feel alive when I think of him. He was the single most amazingly, wonderful person I've ever met who ever made me feel alive in my whole life. He made me feel special and wanted and in a way he still does.

Of course all that we had is probably buried in a dark room by now, but inside of me this little flame keeps burning and even now his name still makes me melt slightly. Although I'm still cramming all that away inside of my heart, once it's in there I'll lock it and throw away the key.

I thought about him a lot this morning actually, I found the single and only letter he'd ever freely written to me in a draw yesterday when I was searching for a pen to take to work I left it on top my desk and of course couldn't help but gander at it once more this morning. As I was reading it I felt a wave of emotion fall over me, my eyes dripped tears onto my silk bed spread and one particular piece touched my heart...He said:

"I talked with mom about you the other night, when Dad and Dennis were out and about. I'm a private person by nature but when it's "women trouble", she tends to be on the receiving end of it. I talked about us, some of the ups and downs and how comfortable I'd always felt with you. You always make me feel so incredible, so loved and that's always been the case."

So I'm sat there reliving the moment I opened that and the song that was playing on the kitchen stereo at the time when I read it: "Lighthouse Family - Free"

Those words made me feel special when I read them, made me feel 'free' and this morning when I woke up and read it again, even though everything that's happened and is happening he made me feel special again. But then he was the love of my life and he'll always have my heart no matter how much he shattered it.

Anyway, I guess I should go back to surfing the net for stuff to look at for a few hours before it's time to eat, shower and get bed...


Take care guys, see you soon xxx


P.S Sorry to go a little EMO in this post with you guys!

Taking Down The Walls

The following video is dedicated to my big bro, who I love so much and I'm so proud of...The words remind me of you bro xxx






I guess tonight was bound to happen, the building of pressure, the breaking of shattered hearts floating on the wind... The eyes of the blind seeing more than the eyes of non-blind. I'm not really sure how I feel right now, a bit confused, bit on the edge, I'm really hoping I'm not edging myself into the darkness once more.

I've always painted a picture inside my head of how perfect love should be, how pretty flowers blow in the wind and you run in slow motion into the arms of the one you love, the one you hope to spend the rest of your life with.

But as I figured out tonight, the moment when your just about to leap into the arms of the one you love, this big wall comes down and stops you. Sending you crashing back into reality with a loud and horrid, almost sickening, thud.

You literally hear your heart breaking, but it doesn't end there...Its not that easy. Somehow you end up building these tense emotions up inside your head, you start seeing walls everywhere you go and you continually fall down and down and down until one day you just...Explode and god help anyone you love whose in your way when you do.

I was on the end of a brutal chat, one where I thought I knew the outcome but sadly mistaken for an actual reality of finding out things I should have realized long ago.

It's funny that the ones in your family you love and admire the most are the ones who can hurt you the most. I'm not sure if anyone reading this has ever been in a situation like this but even if you haven't just imagine or remember a time when you got so hurt and angry with someone you love (mum, dad, sister, brother, auntie or uncle...e.c.t) That you told them exactly what you thought of them, but not because you wanted to or because you actually mean it, because your hurt and angry.

It's the most awful experience in the world and I never ever want to be on the receiving end ever again.

Of course the after math brings out the dark side, but you eventually get back to being semi normal, but it takes a heck of a long while to recover.

Broken hearts are a bitch. Plain and simple.

I guess in a way my most recent broken heart left the two of us not speaking to one another. In a way this helps, but in another it makes it worse, you never know what the end result was. I had it easy I guess, I wasn't wanted because I wasn't pretty enough, smart enough, close enough or lovely enough to be wanted, it didn't matter what I wanted, what I felt deep in my heart or whether I could climb mountains for him, or bring back the dead. In the end he wanted perfection or near enough to it and I knew I couldn't give that to him.

So it ended, and my self confidence took a nose dive into the pits of hell. He switched himself off and turned his back on me, I tried to carry on, so did he.

Even now after promising not to mention this subject again to myself, I find myself recalling back the good old days when I'd have a laugh with him, when I'd talk to him on Skype, when I'd get compliments from him...All the while wondering whether he really meant it.

Looking at a similar situation I think it must be a Hodgson gene to fail with men/women. Though maybe I realize that now, it's just something that we all have to deal with, day in and day out.

I remember my ex telling me at the end that he'd got to some kind of conclusion that he wasn't suppose to be with anyone and that he was learning to deal with that, or something along those lines...Ironic, I think now, That he had someone who loved him for who he was and would travel 50 million miles to be with him yet he said he reckons god or time or fate or whoever doesn't want him to be with anyone. What a load of cack.

A great actor that I like very much once said:

"If you're lucky, life is gonna give you one shot at true love..."

He was mine and I blew it. He's not the one whose gonna be lonely this Christmas...I am and I'm dealing with that, even if I wish I didn't have to.

Sometimes you have to take down walls to build bridges. Tonight I did both.