Taking Down The Walls

The following video is dedicated to my big bro, who I love so much and I'm so proud of...The words remind me of you bro xxx






I guess tonight was bound to happen, the building of pressure, the breaking of shattered hearts floating on the wind... The eyes of the blind seeing more than the eyes of non-blind. I'm not really sure how I feel right now, a bit confused, bit on the edge, I'm really hoping I'm not edging myself into the darkness once more.

I've always painted a picture inside my head of how perfect love should be, how pretty flowers blow in the wind and you run in slow motion into the arms of the one you love, the one you hope to spend the rest of your life with.

But as I figured out tonight, the moment when your just about to leap into the arms of the one you love, this big wall comes down and stops you. Sending you crashing back into reality with a loud and horrid, almost sickening, thud.

You literally hear your heart breaking, but it doesn't end there...Its not that easy. Somehow you end up building these tense emotions up inside your head, you start seeing walls everywhere you go and you continually fall down and down and down until one day you just...Explode and god help anyone you love whose in your way when you do.

I was on the end of a brutal chat, one where I thought I knew the outcome but sadly mistaken for an actual reality of finding out things I should have realized long ago.

It's funny that the ones in your family you love and admire the most are the ones who can hurt you the most. I'm not sure if anyone reading this has ever been in a situation like this but even if you haven't just imagine or remember a time when you got so hurt and angry with someone you love (mum, dad, sister, brother, auntie or uncle...e.c.t) That you told them exactly what you thought of them, but not because you wanted to or because you actually mean it, because your hurt and angry.

It's the most awful experience in the world and I never ever want to be on the receiving end ever again.

Of course the after math brings out the dark side, but you eventually get back to being semi normal, but it takes a heck of a long while to recover.

Broken hearts are a bitch. Plain and simple.

I guess in a way my most recent broken heart left the two of us not speaking to one another. In a way this helps, but in another it makes it worse, you never know what the end result was. I had it easy I guess, I wasn't wanted because I wasn't pretty enough, smart enough, close enough or lovely enough to be wanted, it didn't matter what I wanted, what I felt deep in my heart or whether I could climb mountains for him, or bring back the dead. In the end he wanted perfection or near enough to it and I knew I couldn't give that to him.

So it ended, and my self confidence took a nose dive into the pits of hell. He switched himself off and turned his back on me, I tried to carry on, so did he.

Even now after promising not to mention this subject again to myself, I find myself recalling back the good old days when I'd have a laugh with him, when I'd talk to him on Skype, when I'd get compliments from him...All the while wondering whether he really meant it.

Looking at a similar situation I think it must be a Hodgson gene to fail with men/women. Though maybe I realize that now, it's just something that we all have to deal with, day in and day out.

I remember my ex telling me at the end that he'd got to some kind of conclusion that he wasn't suppose to be with anyone and that he was learning to deal with that, or something along those lines...Ironic, I think now, That he had someone who loved him for who he was and would travel 50 million miles to be with him yet he said he reckons god or time or fate or whoever doesn't want him to be with anyone. What a load of cack.

A great actor that I like very much once said:

"If you're lucky, life is gonna give you one shot at true love..."

He was mine and I blew it. He's not the one whose gonna be lonely this Christmas...I am and I'm dealing with that, even if I wish I didn't have to.

Sometimes you have to take down walls to build bridges. Tonight I did both.