Morning Town Ride

I guess the realisation of dad getting cancer first hit me when I got to work because that’s basically my home away from home. I spend most of my time at work and so it’s only natural I get accustomed to the people and the faces, the times we share together and what not.

At first I just felt like I was dying, I knew the tears were coming but I could do nothing to hold them back. My manager took me under her wing and gave me a shoulder to cry on, for that I’m unbelievably grateful. There’s just some things in life that need a good friendly comfort to bring you back to reality and make you see sense.

Having suffered it herself and loosing her father to it, she can understand and feel what pain I must feel. At the moment I feel numb, oblivious to everything. I walk around in a complete daze trying to carry on as normal, when all the time I’m wondering ‘what if…’ I try and be strong in front of my family but in the last few days since we found out, I’ve found myself sobbing uncontrollably.

My brother’s taking it really hard and to be honest I didn’t expect anything less, he’s so much like my mum in the emotion department and she too broke down and is devastated. I’m so far, the only person who puts on a smile and tries to make them laugh, but I know as soon as the jokes over…That’s it.

I can’t describe to you, my friends and family, the pain I feel. I’m so lost and confused, I don’t know how to feel or to think, I go to work because a part of me needs to, to see happy people getting on with their lives and smiling all day, but the other part of me feels I’m too weak and depressed to stay and watch what happens next.

What will happen next? What are the next steps? When’s the op? I don’t know it’s only day three and yet a part of me is dying slowly…God help me…I can’t loose my dad…

It's In These Quiet Times

I suppose that's when I feel it the most, the quiet most private thoughts always come when there's silence all around me and the night ebbs away into day, another day another dollar. It's now that I sit reflecting back on all the should have been's all the want to have's and the missed opportunities.

I'm thankful for these times, they give meaning and purpose in my life, make me regret, make me happy, make me feel sorrow too in a way I guess. But all in all is a part of this life that we lead and are completely unable to change.

I often have wondered whether we really played a part in the making of our lives here on Earth, especially since I've been reading That book I got for Christmas. It explains a lot about choosing things that were going to happen to us in this life, choosing who we were going to be, but yet leaving out the all important answer of why.

Why do we exist? Are we a game in God's play room, there for his amusement? Or do we really have a clear goal in this world? There is no definitive answer and it's the one question even dead people don't seem to be able to answer, for no medium I've seen has ever given a clear view on it.

It was like going out in the snow a couple of days ago, snow... It seems so innocent laying there on the ground, untouched by the Human hand, fresh and sometimes wet and sticky and others powdery. It lays there peaceful yet before you know it, there's a set of shoe prints in the innocent snow...The snow is innocent no more. It can try to cover up all the shoe prints and bird prints, cat prints and dog prints, bits of fallen leaves and twigs but that snow will never be as innocent as what it was when it first fell.

So beautiful and pure and white...All innocence lost. The scars hiding under the crackling surface of perhaps more new snow, but forever scared.

I kind of feel that's what happens when you come into this world, you become impure from a certain age and you no longer see what you are supposed to see, you mix and fold in with every other Human on this Earth and become trapped in a Web of guilt and miss-trust. It's not easy and nobody ever claimed this life was going to be, or if they did we were too blind to hear it or not quiet enough to pay attention.

It's also in these quiet times that I find myself reliving back some of the things I've said and done that made others unhappy, that made them wonder why and how. I don't pretend to ever be innocent, neither do I even pretend to be even half as pure as the freshly fallen snow. I lost this innocence just like you when I was a wee child and I cried the first time I didn't get what I want.

There's too many people out there who mean so much to me, who have no idea how much they do mean to me until its too late. I dearly cherish each of them, but wonder how many mistakes they could say they have made in their lives?

I talked in my last post a lot about relationships, in fact I do talk a lot about it anyway. It's a part of my life another notch on the wall...It makes me who I am today and after a brief conversation with the Ex the other day (I really should start calling him by his given name but to protect confidentiality we'll say 'Mark') I began to realize that not everything in life is always as easy as handing you a plate and asking you to help yourself.

I was reminded of feelings and things that Mark and I used to share, things I thought I'd forgotten and things I thought I could and had moved past. It's almost been a year that we've not been together, and yet sometimes it won't let me go, it wont let me breathe and hold on to the memories. I think people feel like I drag this out, like I should get over him already for Christ's sake, but how can you get over someone who really did mean the world to you?

I'll keep my private thoughts for these quiet times, I try not to show my emotions on the subject of love and especially when its with Mark and regarding Mark, although I have moved to the stage where I'm OK with him, the thoughts of love that were once there never perish, but then only I'll know and feel that for words of love in my heart aren't ever spoken but kept once again for these quiet times. What else can I do? The road ahead is long and I must face it now alone.


Take care all xxx