Morning Town Ride

I guess the realisation of dad getting cancer first hit me when I got to work because that’s basically my home away from home. I spend most of my time at work and so it’s only natural I get accustomed to the people and the faces, the times we share together and what not.

At first I just felt like I was dying, I knew the tears were coming but I could do nothing to hold them back. My manager took me under her wing and gave me a shoulder to cry on, for that I’m unbelievably grateful. There’s just some things in life that need a good friendly comfort to bring you back to reality and make you see sense.

Having suffered it herself and loosing her father to it, she can understand and feel what pain I must feel. At the moment I feel numb, oblivious to everything. I walk around in a complete daze trying to carry on as normal, when all the time I’m wondering ‘what if…’ I try and be strong in front of my family but in the last few days since we found out, I’ve found myself sobbing uncontrollably.

My brother’s taking it really hard and to be honest I didn’t expect anything less, he’s so much like my mum in the emotion department and she too broke down and is devastated. I’m so far, the only person who puts on a smile and tries to make them laugh, but I know as soon as the jokes over…That’s it.

I can’t describe to you, my friends and family, the pain I feel. I’m so lost and confused, I don’t know how to feel or to think, I go to work because a part of me needs to, to see happy people getting on with their lives and smiling all day, but the other part of me feels I’m too weak and depressed to stay and watch what happens next.

What will happen next? What are the next steps? When’s the op? I don’t know it’s only day three and yet a part of me is dying slowly…God help me…I can’t loose my dad…