The Last Waltz

Okay so I've not exactly kept my promise of keeping you guys updated. Truth be told I've been really busy being with my family, working and generally doing a lot of things that maybe isn't quite the "norm" for me. Or at least it wasn't, for a long time anyway.

The past few months have been awful, to be fair. Finding out dad had cancer was just the worst thing ever. It's been a long road to get to where my head's at now. Let alone what my dad's going through and my mum and family. It's been a weird long while, we found out about a month or so ago that dad had cancer and since then its been nothing but tests for this and hospitals for that, I'm not sure where he went for what reason anymore.

I get this odd feeling down in my stomach that I should be making the most of this time I have with my dad because it could in all fairness be the last time I do get to spend good quality father and daughter time with him, even though that's a horrible thing to say...

He's been updating me daily about the "list of things to do should he not pull through this." Coming from an emotionally wrecked daughter [but hiding it excellently] I'm doing okay with it. I haven't sobbed for a week or two now, but mainly I figure that's because I'm the one that's holding the foundation together. Mom isn't coping well but she says she's being strong for dad who in turn is being strong for her and Tom...Well he's just Tom, not sure whether he's being strong or not.

Anyway, dad has he pre-op next week and I'm not really sure what's going to happen there, Mom told me tonight that dad's opted to go and be tested on...Well as she put it "used as a guinea pig" to try some drugs that haven't been trialed yet in the major market. She's not too sure about it, but I guess I'm thinking along the same lines as dad and I guess the doctors...If they discover something that could save someone elses life in the future, then where's the harm in that?

I'll keep you posted on my dad, his operation is the 30th March...

I got to thinking about a lot of things the past few days, I'm keeping an open mind to new possibilities. I know one day I'm gonna have to stand on my own two feet and decide what it is that I want out of my life before it's too late, but I'm not really sure what it is yet.

I keep looking at the people around me, my friends who have boyfriends and children and new mommy's and daddies. My family who have new job roles, more money and new prospects, I keep thinking that maybe I was put on this earth to become something more than this, maybe I'm special and God has this great plan later in life for me, I want so to believe that after mom and dad go to the great world beyond that I'll be this great legacy waiting to be fullfilled.

Maybe that's shooting a little high but I want to do things with my life I know that much, I get this sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach when I think of being a mom who sits around the house all day with a fat slobby husband who pick his nose and demands his dinner at 7pm precisely. Then I go to the shops in my smelly rags acting all ruffian and telling my kids to shut up. It makes me feel sick, the thought of that being what I may turn into if I don't sort out what I want from life now.

Truth be told I feel tied down to my parents, Tom got off easy, he moved out first so naturally looking after mom and dad in their later years fell on me and well...Not that I wouldn't do it all over again, I just feel like until their gone there is no future for me, I cant leave them, they need me as much as I need them, even financially, for me its viable to stay at home its easy and hey, it might not be my own space and at times we have our arguments but it'll always be my home.

I hope my mom and dad stay around for a long, long time yet though.

I guess I'm just airing what's going through my mind just lately. I'm one of these people who gets an idea in their head and then I think "yeah you know what I'm going to do it", then I think "well why bother nobody will care apart from them at the end of it and they already care now so why bother going through it all at all?"

I don't know, I'm a very confused young woman who's trying to figure out who she is deep down, trying to discover if settling down and having kids is what I really want. Right now, I don't want kids, I love kids but I just cant see myself as mom. I watch kids and parents from my till at work everyday and everyday I think "if that were me" and then I just stop right there, it isn't me, it's not what I want. I want to be somebody, I want to see things and go places, not be tied down to a house and mortgage, with no prospects but changing nappies and hauling myself out of bed to drag the kids to school of a Monday morning. Rushing around for a poart time job to just pay the bills and feed mouths. Its not me.

I want to BE somebody, doesn't everyone?

I guess I'm just dreaming of things I wish I could be but probably never will. I cant sit behind a till for the rest of my life...I know that.

I wish life was like the movies, you could just walk out of your job, throw down your pinny, and sail off into the sunset. But it's not and the closest any of us ever get to that dream is riding the bypass of a Sunday evening mid summer. Have you ever done that? Driven down an open rode at cruising speed on a hot summer evening, when its not too hot and there's a gentle breeze. Hardly any cars on the road and you look ahead of you and all you can see is open road, the sun setting in the distance, a gorgeous pink and blue sky, and nothing...No problems, no worries just absolute peace, with maybe you favourite soft song playing on your car stereo.

It's an amazing feeling and such a shame it doesn't last...

I was looking for the perfect song to finish on, a little song that I could dedicate to my dad but...Well nothing seemed right, I happened to be watching something to do with the Bible the other day and afterwards an advert came on with a song on it I've heard before...A long time ago. I remember hearing my mum sing this in the kitchen when making dinner one summer's evening when I was very young and dad would be sat out in the garden, sipping coffee under the parasol and reading the newspaper, listening to my mum hum/sing this song...

Good times.

This is for you dad. I love you so much.