Depression Of A Checkout Chic

Depression is something I don't think I've ever really truly admitted to myself, there are days when I wake up wondering why God lets me go on torturing myself in this way. I wake up wondering if depression is me with my own selfish desires not being played out and getting upset about it for no reason.

When I saw the doc the other day, she told me I was moderately depressed, I scored a 12 out of 27 for depression which basically means I'm moderately depressed. Sitting here thinking about the questions I had to answer on the "depression" test I wonder if I was being totally honest with her and myself.

I hate to go to anyone and talk about my problems, I hate the feeling of burdening someone else with all the hate I have for myself in my heart. But sometimes you just cant carry on the way you want to and have been fighting all this time.

Sometimes you have to wake up and believe that you really cant do this on your own, that someone needs to step in and help you deal with whatever the hell it is going through your head...I haven't reached that stage quite just yet.

I know I need help and the docs sending me to a therapist, but she didn't think I was at the stage where I needed anti-depressants. I dunno, I find myself down and depressed most days just recently and I'm struggling to make it through a day without feeling like the whole world has it in for me and that I'm a complete looser with nothing but pain to look forward to in her life.

Depression is such a hard thing to combat, I don't like people seeing me cry or in pain or helpless, I hate people fussing over me and telling me there here for me, it bugs the hell out of me. So if someone was looking at me from the outside in, they'd probably think I was just fine...Good that's exactly what depression wants you to make them think.

A part of me does too, I'll deal with it in my own time and in my own way, I don't need or want your help, get out of my life, leave me alone I've probably said all of these the last week or two. Saying it to someone else outside of your own circle can be patched up, but saying it to a family member goes deeper.

I just want space and closure, I never feel like I have closure on anything. I think a massive part of me - no matter what I do - I need closure on it, I start something and it bugs me if I don't finish it - theory.

Just writing on here has stopped me from sobbing my heart out and I guess that's a little bit more help than I've given myself all day.

I haven't fully understood what drew me here, I don't really understand what I'm writing about, but what I do know is that now, this time in my life I'm battling demons inside my head that nobody in this world could possibly understand but those that suffer with depression that doesn't come from an expected source. Fair enough if you have depression because you lost someone or because you cant face going work/out BECAUSE of someone, fair enough.

But this type of depression is horrible, this type of depression comes on late at night when your laying bed scaring yourself about what death is really like, not that your thinking of committing suicide, just that your scared what God is gonna say when you get there.

God forgive me, for I have sinned.



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Sometimes You Loose Track Of The Little Things

It's true you know, you can loose track if you don't pay enough attention as to what's going on around you, the little things make a big difference. I guess that's what I keep telling myself to explain why I can get on here today to talk to you lot, seeing as I haven't wrote like I promised I would.

I wanna start off with some good news, I wanna show off my gorgeous niece who I promised I'd show off when she was born but never got the chance. Things were so busy with her mum being hospital for a while after she was born, the fact that I had to be up at 4:30 in the morning to rush my bro to the hospital because she was in labour... It was a hectic week to say the least! Anyway at 3 months now here she is my gorgeous little lady Lily Mai Eva Hodgson :)




So anyway, I guess I should really get into the nitty gritty of why I came to wanna write this blog today, my dads been poorly the last week or so, not majorly just one thing after another really and its getting me down. A friend of mine lost her father not long ago, March time and it really got to me, the fact my dad isn't gonna be with us forever and that I'm really lucky to have him with us still after the cancer scares.

Although he's - I guess - in remission now, it doesn't dampen the fact that he's my dad and I'm a daddy's little girl and if anything should ever happen to him, I'd never find enough strength to keep myself going let alone my mum.

With all of that, I had a small car accident in Decemember on ice where I skidded and lost control of the car, crashing into a wooden fence. It's really effected me more than I understand or understood at the time. I find it near impossible to get through driving anywhere and back now without feeling anxious, nauseus and feeling like I'm going to black out behind the wheel.

It's a god awful feeling and I have absolutely no idea how to make it stop, so after coming home from a friends in tears the other night I've decided that I need councselling, I'm going to my GP's on tuesday to speak with her about a few things, so I'm going to ask her to send me to see some counsellor who can help me get through it.

My brother reakons I lost my confidence, he drove my car and told me the tracking was out (the steering wheel is turned to one side whilst driving supposedly in a straight line. Hence the tracking.) Anyway, I've found it really hard to talk about, so writing on here kind of gives me some relief, its amazing how much one little loss of control can bother you so much, it really bothered me and it still does, I wake up having nightmares about driving to work.

On top of all this my brother goes for his operation tomorrow, their gonna open him up and I dunno about him but I'm terrified, I keep having heart palpatations thinking about it. I dunno what I'd do if I lost my brother, he's like my rock even if he does talk to me like I'm an idiot sometimes. I love him, I'd give anything for it to be me instead, so he wouldnt have to go through the fear. I've been in hospital plenty of times when I was younger and so I guess in a way I'm used to it. But he's never been in and that really bugs the hell out of me, I dunno how me and my family are gonna make it through the next 24 hours hoping that he'll be okay.

On that side as well I hope that this operation stops him drinking and makes him not want to drik again. I've noticed with my family lately that he's drinking a lot more and to the point of getting drunk out of his head, it worries me and god I hope this operation will set him right about his drinking habbits before its too late.

Dad's supposed to be going to the hospital on Tuesday for the results of the cancerous tumors on his Kidneys, we're supposed to be finding out if their growing or not, but he developed gout in his toe on thursday and its spreading, making him really poorly, today I woke up and he had been sick all night and was/is running a temperature this evening, it feels like a nightmare world I'm living in right now.

Through all of this, I'm the one that's supposed to be strong, supposed to bring the family together, I feel like it's my responsibility to, but how the hell can I be strong when I'm so depressed? I've never admitted depression to anyone before not even myself, but honestly? I think I am, I feel down constantly, I'm crying when I listen to Andre Rieu play his violin on youtube, I'm even getting a lump in my throat just thinking about all the little things in life, you know those things you dont think about but have to in case you loose track?

Take care peeps.

xxx