Depression Of A Checkout Chic

Depression is something I don't think I've ever really truly admitted to myself, there are days when I wake up wondering why God lets me go on torturing myself in this way. I wake up wondering if depression is me with my own selfish desires not being played out and getting upset about it for no reason.

When I saw the doc the other day, she told me I was moderately depressed, I scored a 12 out of 27 for depression which basically means I'm moderately depressed. Sitting here thinking about the questions I had to answer on the "depression" test I wonder if I was being totally honest with her and myself.

I hate to go to anyone and talk about my problems, I hate the feeling of burdening someone else with all the hate I have for myself in my heart. But sometimes you just cant carry on the way you want to and have been fighting all this time.

Sometimes you have to wake up and believe that you really cant do this on your own, that someone needs to step in and help you deal with whatever the hell it is going through your head...I haven't reached that stage quite just yet.

I know I need help and the docs sending me to a therapist, but she didn't think I was at the stage where I needed anti-depressants. I dunno, I find myself down and depressed most days just recently and I'm struggling to make it through a day without feeling like the whole world has it in for me and that I'm a complete looser with nothing but pain to look forward to in her life.

Depression is such a hard thing to combat, I don't like people seeing me cry or in pain or helpless, I hate people fussing over me and telling me there here for me, it bugs the hell out of me. So if someone was looking at me from the outside in, they'd probably think I was just fine...Good that's exactly what depression wants you to make them think.

A part of me does too, I'll deal with it in my own time and in my own way, I don't need or want your help, get out of my life, leave me alone I've probably said all of these the last week or two. Saying it to someone else outside of your own circle can be patched up, but saying it to a family member goes deeper.

I just want space and closure, I never feel like I have closure on anything. I think a massive part of me - no matter what I do - I need closure on it, I start something and it bugs me if I don't finish it - theory.

Just writing on here has stopped me from sobbing my heart out and I guess that's a little bit more help than I've given myself all day.

I haven't fully understood what drew me here, I don't really understand what I'm writing about, but what I do know is that now, this time in my life I'm battling demons inside my head that nobody in this world could possibly understand but those that suffer with depression that doesn't come from an expected source. Fair enough if you have depression because you lost someone or because you cant face going work/out BECAUSE of someone, fair enough.

But this type of depression is horrible, this type of depression comes on late at night when your laying bed scaring yourself about what death is really like, not that your thinking of committing suicide, just that your scared what God is gonna say when you get there.

God forgive me, for I have sinned.



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