Time Love & Tenderness

Hey all how's it going?


I have some time to kill tonight before bed, although maybe I should actually be getting ready for bed but that's not the point. I looked back at the last couple of posts I'd written here on my blog - just by chance - and noticed they appeared to be a bit morbid...Okay, OKAY a lot morbid, so I've had it rough the last little while what with dad having a stroke and all...

But today I've had a really good day! Wednesday's and Sunday's are my day's off and their always extremely enjoyable. But today I just felt really happy, maybe some slight tension relief after everything that's been going on with my dad.

So I'll go into it a bit, but I don't want to ruin the mood so I'll just give you guys the basic outline. As I explained in my last post dad had a stroke, thankfully a minor one. We took him to the docs and the next day he had an all day appointment at the hospital (these guys don't hang about with stroke victims) we spent the whole day there and he had a brain scan which revealed he'd had another smaller stroke which left some damage on his brain before this one...

His arteries in his neck were revealed to be 50% blocked on one side and 20% on the other which (as the doc said) isn't at the point where they need to operate thankfully. He has a heart murmur which he'll need to have an ECG for I presume but we're not sure when, since then he's been docs a few times and it's all been a bit stressful for him.

We're trying to keep stress levels to a minimum and he's not allowed to drive for a calendar month from the date of the stroke. We're all deeply worried about him and my mum in particular, I'm just worried about everyone, worried about my brother about my dad and mum and how their handling it all. I'm amazed at myself for how strong I've been, it's been a real roller coaster and so far touch wood, he hasn't had another one (though we had a scare the other day when we thought he may have had one in his sleep but he was showing no obvious signs apart from complete memory loss....)

So that's the update on that. I've been watching a ton of movies again, mostly horror and animated films such as Madagascar and Bolt and horror films such as the good old chuckster from the Child's Play movies - god I love that guy he makes me CRY laughing.

Not sure if I mentioned it yet but we have a kitten now! Her name is poppy picture is below...



She's an adorable kitten, VERY playful but still very skittish, she had a BAD life before she got to us and she's finding it hard to adjust to us treating her like a part of the family instead of like a piece of dirt.

We love her so much, she's one of us now and she's done my dad the world of good, he's calling her "my cat" all the time, especially when he can't find her he'll come up to one of us and ask "where's my cat?" it's great, really gave him something to hang on for if that sounds good?

Me and my mum love her don't get me wrong, but we're DOG people and so even though my dad's not quite for it at the moment (me and mum are still going ahead with it) by Christmas time we hope to be settling a new puppy into the Hodgson household. To be exact what I've always wanted - a Labrador puppy. Not sure if we'll go for a yellow, chocolate or black puppy just yet, depends on what';s around at the time...Their expensive puppies at £250 per shot. I'll keep you posted.

I've got Michael Bolton on tonight if you haven't already guessed from the title, been speaking to a guy from Brazil who I randomly met online tonight and he's been remarking at how polite I am and what not - I guess it's always nice to have your self confidence boosted a bit, I can't say that about too many guys in this world.

So apart from having a raging telephone call with a telephone salesman earlier today I've made the most of my day off, had a full pyjama day today, stayed in my PJ's alllllllllll day :) loving it!

Oh and England won in the world cup qualifier with Croatia! Bring it on!

So I'm gonna cut this one loose and leave you guys with a reminder that this is officially my song (listen out for my name at 0.48 secs) :



And to take a look at this, it'll make you laugh I swear!

http://news.uk.msn.com/odd-news/article.aspx?cp-documentid=149601784

Love you guys xxxx

Easy Doesn't Enter Into Grown Up Life

Hey all,

Guess I didn't really feel like making a video today either, truthfully? Didn't plan on writing a blog post at 01:04am either. Just finished watching a film "The Weatherman" with Nicholas Cage....He's a fantastic actor.

I guess I've had a lot of things on my mind tonight...Today. Bank Holiday Monday, a day when people sit around with each other, basically like your second Sunday. Didn't feel much like doing anything today anyway.

In these quiet times I get to thinking...Thinking about a lot of things, today was no exception. I feel like I'm standing on the edge of this huge Crater, waiting for something to happen, anything, and as I stand there feeling this undefinable breeze around my neck, I suddenly realize it's not going to happen.

I found myself wishing for things to go back the way they were when I was happy not long ago, this evening. Films do that to me, I tend to compare people in movies to myself, I relate to characters is more what I'm trying to say.

"The Weatherman" didn't do much for me, except relate to the fact that the lead character - "The actual weatherman" had issues, just like me. I don't feel like I belong anywhere, I feel like I'm constantly missing out on something...Or just not wanting to be apart of anything.

I...Feel lost and gone, not in your average type of way, I feel like I'm literally lost inside my own world. So many things leave me and never come back that I end up wondering if its me or if its them or it. I'm loosing my ability to focus on the future and instead resolve to reliving the past over and over inside of my head, why do I do this? How can I control this? Am I some fictitious character like in the films I watch, are they describing my life?

This sounds ridiculous and empty, not like me, I'm the good girl the always smiling happy go lucky kinda girl, people get weird when I get upset. I'm offended easily, I'm twisted in ways I don't understand, neither do I wish to.

Right now all I wanna do is curl up in a ball on my bed and stare out at the stars, amazing really - little tiny balls of light that have travelled millions of light years to get to my eyes so I can see them sparkling in the sky...Is that a good thing? Or depiction of another part of me that I'm missing?

I am just a broken puzzle with little bits of me scattered all over the place, Leicester, Manchester, Birmingham, Skegness, Los Angeles, Calgary various places where a part of me has been left behind, the list goes on...Every time I go away I leave a piece of me behind...I don't know what my hearts pinning so desperately for tonight...

Comfort?
Energy?
Love?
Hope?

I feel so empty and lost and alone, but, isn't that what I wanted?

Wake Me Up When September Ends

Hey guys, hows you all?

Don't feel much like making a video today, it's been a weird couple of days the last few days and I'm hoping that this isn't the start of a downhill slope into eventual....Something-ness.

Had a great time the last week just staying at my brother's whilst him, Gemma and the kids ventured off into the wilderness slash beachness known to locals and us lot in Leicestershire as "Skeg-Vegas." They had a great time, more than likely spent a load of money and now it's back to the grindstone of every day life.

Friday I had a girlie night in with my best friend in the whole world Sam. We cooked then ate pizza and had cinema style popcorn whilst we watched "Marley and Me" the film, excellent film and absolutely loved the dog, though as per usual with them types of films the ending made me cry, or at least well up.

Was that a sign of things to come? I normally get soppy over movies, especially "Titanic" that film gets me in my heart every time, but I'm just wondering now whether it was a sign that I'm really emotionally drained. Although I can't see why, nothing major has happened, well by nothing major I mean lots of small things like work issues and home issues you know stuff that can play on your mind without you actually knowing it?

Saturday was definitely a sign of how drained I am if nothing else but tired as well. I'm really ready for my holiday in September, I think I need it to prepare myself for the onslaught of having zero time off bar bank holidays after the 2ND of October comes and goes, that's it until I can start booking holidays next year. That should be around end of February/March time, I'm definitely looking forwards to it.

Moving back to my point, Saturday was draining, yesterday I knew I reached a point where I was seriously lacking something in my life - namely sleep. I'm not usually one to get tired, even if I wake up at 5:30am on Thursday's, Friday's and Saturday's, it's just not me, but the last few days staying at my brother's had really taken its toll on me and it showed.

As soon as I got up Saturday morning I was cleaning and preparing and what not for Tom and Gemma's come home day, I like to leave them with a nice clean house and unfortunately my girlie night in with Sam the night before had overrun so I had zero time Friday night to do what I wanted in time and still get sleep time.

It wasn't until around 4pm yesterday afternoon that it hit me, I was incredibly tired, like you wouldn't believe I was falling asleep where I sat at the checkout, even tho I was talking to customers and what not I was literally falling asleep, I even stood up to try and compensate myself, but I was still falling asleep, standing up can you believe it? I couldn't, so I asked for my break early and thankfully I got it.

Almost straight the way (bless Laura's heart) So I went and brought some caffeine pills known as "Pro Plus" it wasn't until after I'd taken them had a can of Redbull AND Cola, a chocolate boost bar three cigarettes that I realized:

1) You SHOULDN'T take them with other high caffeine products and/or:
1a) You should reduce the amount of tablets you take if your consuming high caffeine products.
2)You SHOULD not take them with BETA Blockers and/or:
2a) You should consult your Doctor or Pharmacist if you do. And finally:
3)You should not take them if you suffer with Anxiety as it can heighten Anxiety problems.

Safe to say I think I reacted to them rather well, I have anxiety issues and apart from some mild shaking I didn't react too badly. The BETA blockers I take - Propanalol (sp?) - didn't seem too interfered, the shaking which normally is controlled by the BETA blockers must have been cause by the interference from the caffeine pills so I wasn't too worried and the only other side effects were that I felt incredibly thirsty and felt like I was high on drugs or weed to be exact.

But hey it kept me awake and that was what I needed! I couldn't have driven home the way I was and god knows how I would have made it through the rest of the shift without them, safe to say that maybe the side effects were worth it, even for just that reason.

So you thought my day ended there? Nah it gets worse unfortunately. So after I went to pick up the remaining bits from Tom's house (even though I still forgot some discs I'd taken over with music on, d'oh!) I started to make my way back home oblivious as to what had been going on in my own home without me there.

Tom and Gemma had arrived back from Skeg-Vegas at some point and after doing a few things Gemma came over to do washing ( they have no washing machine at the moment) Tom was at home mowing the grass...

Apparently around 7 it must have been, Gemma took a cup of tea into my dad in the living room and his face had dropped and he couldn't speak, Gemma went tearing into my mum and said my dad couldn't speak, mum came tearing in and it had happened... She rang the emergency doctor (NOT 999 just to be clear) eventually as my dad is stubborn and after he started to come out of it he repeated that he DIDN'T want a doctor, but with a phone call from Tom, who apparently came straight over not long after. Mum made the phone call and the doctor arrived around 8pm and told us (or rather mum, Tom and Gemma) that dad looks to have had a mini stroke... Dad had a temperature too and the doctor reckoned he has a water infection... He was able to give him some antibiotics from his car to treat the infection, but my dad has to go straight to the doctor's tomorrow (Monday) morning and they're gonna refer him to the hospital for tests, presumably on his heart.

So today he's packing his suitcase just in case he has to stay in hospital...To be honest I don't know what I'm thinking or feeling right now or today for that matter. I'm numb and I think I may be suffering the after effects of being incredibly high on caffeine yesterday.

I've been in a weird slash bad mood since I woke up and I don't know why...I see that mums taking all this really hard and yet I'm unable to comfort her, not because I don't want to but because I don't think I know how...I cant even bring myself to be strong let alone be strong for every one else.

A part of me wants to run away, right now leave the house and not face my problems, but I know I cant do that, I cant just drop everything here and leave my family when they most need me. I think this may be the reason for my anger and self pity today, I'm worried but trying to be strong clashed with anger and self pity and a mix of what ifs crossing my mind.

I don't want to loose my dad and I love him so much...I know he's getting old now, but he's doing really well for a man his age, I don't want to think that this may be a warning, may be it was, may be we need to watch his diabetes's more or something else I don't know but it's hit this family hard.

Right now I'm feeling tearful and broken I guess, even though it's not fair for me to feel that way, I have to be strong, I have to be for mum and for dad...God I hope this year isn't the year for this... We can't loose you yet dad we still need you, I still need you, to prove who I am to you...

God help me...

Scary Stuff

BE WARNED THIS VIDEO CONTAINS SHOCKING IMAGES THAT SOME VIEWERS MAY FIND OFFENSIVE, IF YOU DO NOT LIKE SCARY MOVIES DO NOT WATCH THIS VIDEO, VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!!!!!!!

Short Disclaimer for anyone who cares: I DO NOT own the rights to any of the footage in this video apart from the bits with me in, neither do I own the soundtrack thank you very, very much and have a nice day!!!!! :D

Oh and enjoy the video.... ;)




The Abandoned Trailer:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BXXc2QdKyqc

Murdoch Madness

Gone Murdoch mad with a group of other Murdoch fans just recently, there's a group of us who've been creating some Murdoch tribute videos... Yes I was sad enough to make my own and actually I'm REALLY proud of it and MASSIVELY enjoyed getting back into the video making scene...Boy have I missed it!!!

Anyway below is my video it's linked up from Youtube and my account on Youtube, enjoy my little Murdoch fans =D :





Peace all love ya xxxxxxxxx


Currently Listening To: Well if you can't guess it.... lmao

Happy Birthday Ty

Happy Birthday to my little nephew angel I love you loads Ty xxxxx

Cat's Cold

Bunged up with cold bless me! Sorry but this video is VERY boring! You have been warned.......