The Tracks Of My Tears

I've been thinking about crying a lot lately, though I've not actually got around to actually physically doing it. Not until tonight anyway. Been one of them days today - when I feel like everyone is blaming everything that could and does go wrong on me.

I keep to myself a lot in my outside of a PC life. I'm pretty quiet at work, but I have such a hard time with conversations. I hate it. I find making conversation is like trying to stuff a thousand words into a shell - if one could put words into a shell that is.

But somehow I seem to muddle by, trying everything I know to make myself speak to say absolutely anything even if it's just about the weather. I know in my line of work your supposed to have a talkative personality, to be able to thrust yourself into any situation and be able to deal with it head on, and sometimes you know I am, I can do it with ease.

But quite a lot of the time I find myself hoping others will carry on the conversation or that the conversation will dry up and I'll be left staring at this person or looking around wondering what the heck I can say.

Its something I've struggled with for a long time, mostly due to the fact I'm shy - incredibly shy and venerable, I'm an open wound that refuses to heal that refuses to go away.

I often am asked why I spend so much time inside, or in front of a PC. Sometimes its a hard question to answer, especially when it comes from someone in my family. The only response I know really is that its what I want to do, its my life let me be.

But I know deep down the truth is I just feel safe here, on here I'm a totally different person, I'm everyone 's friend, a shoulder to lean on, a best mate, a leader and a strong unbelievable character whose failures in the real world seem to fade away and become non existent.

I love my online friends dearly, I trust them 10 times over than real friends - bar a selected few - without them all the pain and suffering that I keep hidden away from my real friends, my real family would have devoured me long ago, making me unstable.

They've been there for me, seen the good - and the worst of me and I know they've seen the tracks of my tears - wrapped a virtual arm around my shoulder and told me it'll all be okay.

Somehow it makes it all better... Somehow I'm someones friend in Canada, in the USA and even in the Netherlands. We're all so close, so trusting of one another and we all share the one secret - nobody knows who we really are outside - they know who we are.... Inside.

Peace all xxx



Currently listening to: Sarah McLaughlin - Arms Of The Angels