Musings Of A Cat

Do you ever get that feeling of complete and utter emotional emotion? It's hard to explain, just when you feel so low, so down that you just feel drained of energy, in fact you hate yourself for being down in the first place.

For a couple of nights now I've been having dreams, weird dreams of falling. I'm afraid of heights and am contributing the fact I'm dreaming of falling because it's playing on my sub-conscious mind. But I wonder sometimes if it means something else, something deeper is niggling at the back of my mind, shouting something at me I can't hear. I want to but...There's always a but.

I'm feeling a little down tonight, have you guessed? I think it's probably because its either coming to that time of the month, or, I'm just feeling my usual crappy self. I've mentioned before, about analyzing every single detail of what happens no matter how big or small it is. I think sitting here quietly tonight is making me reflect upon things so much, I hate doing it, my friends will ask me what's wrong, but I'll just say "nah I'm fine, serious, just a little tired." And that'll be that, I have a hard time expressing my emotions in front of people, only recently have I learnt this.

Some people find it easy to cry in front of others, break out into a wail and sob their pretty little hearts out. I'm not like that, It takes a lot for me to cry in front of someone, other than my parents, mostly my mum. I think if I'm honest to myself, the only person I ever feel comfortable crying in front of is my brother. Weird, really weird, we're close, as any normal brother and sister are, but we don't really ever spend that much time together, not anymore.

I remember a lot about growing up, but one thing that stays with me is the connection that I've formed with him, he'd laugh if he read this, tell me I was stupid probably; but that's just how it is. He's always been there for me, he's always stuck up for me, looked out for me (maybe that's just a brother thing?) We've had a few laughs, when he made custard (badly) and made me try it! I'll never forget that. But as life goes, he grew up 5 years ahead of me, I think we drifted apart somewhere along the way, drink and girls and clubs became his life, I just wanted to fit in.

In a way I envy my brother, that he can just be so confident, so positive, so mature and strong in everything he does, so skilled in his job, successful family and kids, and have so much going for him. I envy that, I wish I had his courage, I wish I was smart and appealing like him, with a huge mound of friends who care, I wish I had the confidence to do what he does, he really does amaze me sometimes.

I find myself lacking in self confidence particularly this week, as "the birthday" draws ever nearer I'm reminded of my age and my success. I don't want a lovely life yet, I don't want to move out of home, I don't want to have a family, I have everything I need, I have something, something nobody else could ever understand, something so amazing I just cant put it in to words and never will.

I've been thinking about the future today, what I see myself doing a long time from now. I think I know where I want to be at, it's just a matter of getting over the hurdles before the race starts. I can do it I know I can and I'm positive that it will all work out in the end, when god closes a door, somewhere he opens a window.

Peace all! Take care xxx


Currently listening to: Nickleback - Far Away