Lost

"Here I am, stood on the rooftop looking over the skyline of the city, feeling the breeze around my shoulders."

Feel like I'm in a world of my own right now, with everything that's happened over the last few days. A part of me feels relief, happy that I can finally be me without worrying about the consequences as the consequences are already here.

"I stare out into the darkness, with only twinkling lights from various building guiding my view."

I've often thought about my life in various ways, wondering if all this pent up frustration and anger I have for myself is back from the school days of being bullied and fighting to keep my friends that I did have.

A lot of my friends reckon that high school was what really prepares you for life, I went to a catholic school - completely separated from the bullies of primary school. I was prepared for the worst and for the first few years I got more or less bullied by various people, used and spat out. I skived quite a bit, faking illness or just not showing up. It was easier, easier than going there, but at least I was prepared, my friends or at least some of them hadn't experienced the bullying issue or the need to defend yourself from anyone yet, I don't really think they ever did until they went out into the real world.

"The breeze around my shoulders, drifting through my hair, filling my heart with sorrow, drowning me in my thoughts."

I'm quiet, or so my profile box says and to be honest its true, I clam up and push away everything. The last few days moms been nagging at me to tell her whats going on, I came home from work in tears Tuesday night and that set the ball rolling. She was on a mission to find out why I was upset and she didn't stop till this morning and I finally broke.

I didn't tell her the whole charade I'd told her only what was wrong with me, more or less went like this:

Me: "[talking about what needed to be done today] Yeah I'll get it whilst I'm there."
Mum: "...Cat what's wrong, please talk to me."
Me: "Nothing mum it doesn't matter..."
Mum: "You can talk to me Cat, is it something to do with..."
Me: "[Cut her off] Yeah."
Mum: "What happened?"
Me: "We had an argument."
Mum: "What about?"
Me: "Please don't make me talk about it..."

[Later today in the kitchen]

Mum: "So what were you arguing about?"
Me: "[long pause]"
Mum: "Cat?"
Me: "Just stupid things."
Mum: "Is there someone else? It's hard over dis..."
Me: "[Cut her off sharply] No mum, its not that."
Mum: "So what?"
Me: "It's nothing to do with that...Its not even his fault, I let him down, I betrayed his trust, its my fault."
Mum: "Oh Cat..."

The look she gave me was it, I was in tears, I'd broken her heart just as much as I'd broken his. The door bell rang and I knew it was gonna be someone from the council so I quickly dried up and carried on, I couldn't cry in front of them or anyone really, I've pushed it down inside of me, buried it, burying my feelings.

I'm lying in bed at night thinking about it, its going over and over in my head, but in amongst all the pain, I know I've done the right thing, I could have left it but I didn't, I could have walked away but I didn't, I put right my mistake and went back to face the consequences.

"I stretch open my arms feeling the breeze beneath me, almost lifting me into its arms and carrying me away with it."

Right now I'm lost and I'm scared and I'm very much alone. I cant think past each second, I can only see right now and right now makes me feel down and upset, but that's guilt for you. Guilty as charged.

I've got so much to say, but the words aren't coming to me right now so I may come back and edit this at a later stage, right now I'm tired and cold and really need to think about getting ready for work tomorrow.

Much love to my mate and her grandma, hope she gets better babes xxx


Peace all, take care xxxxxxxxxx


Currently Listening To: R Kelly Gotham City


"And the breeze left as soon as it came, taking with it my heart and soul, lost in eternity forever."

Just A Quickie...

Hey all, hows it goin?


Heard some bad news tonight, someone I'd worked with in the factory after I left school for 4 years died last week. It drove me to this blog to write...But now I'm here I'm not sure what to write. I wasn't immensely close to her, yet her death or the death of anyone I know personally seems to have an effect on me, sets the mood I'm going to be in for the rest of the evening.

I hung with her daughter for a bit whilst she worked with us, though her name escapes me to this day. Its been a while since I really thought about how every ones doing back there, I've been so bitter about the backstabbers I left behind that I didn't stop to think how the people I did care about were doing.

My friend rang my mum and said she'd saw her in the street a few times, but hadn't stopped too busy to have a real chat and now she's feeling bad. I guess that's how I feel too, we're all so busy with our day to day lives that we rarely have a chance to stop and just take note.

I knew her well enough to understand that she was a caring and warm loving person and that she didn't deserve to go. Sudden deaths always scare me, make me wonder whose next on the cards.

I guess I just needed to write something, anything about that news. We all need something to hold on to, we all need to feel and hope that the next person to go doesn't suffer and we understand that our lives are mere steps in a wonderful journey.

Wherever she might be now, I dedicate this video to her and the words that ring so true to my heart, this song has meaning for me in more ways than I think anyone will understand but for now and forever I hope this reaches her family and will help us all in some way to move on know that shes not gone, she's all around us, inside of our hearts giving us the strength to face another day.

R.I.P my friend we'll miss you xxx

Dedicated to Ann:



peace all, take care xxx


Currently Listening To: Robbie Robertson - Shine Your Light

So Far Away

Hey all it's been awhile! How's it goin?


Got a few things on my mind of late, so much has been happening that I'm lost to whether I'm actually coming or going, hence the delay in writing up another blog post.

Recently (meaning yesterday (Saturday)) my brother and his girlfriend moved into their fabulous new home! It comes as a welcome release for them after things looked rocky for awhile with the housing market being what it is! But its a great home, perfect for them and I'm really pleased their moving on with their life, getting settled and what not, they deserve it.

So in between all of that we've had plumbers and builders in from the council fitting a walk in shower for us, the job which we though would be done within a week has turned in to a two to three week mess that's left us without a shower but still able to use the sink and what not in the bathroom, but seems for us to have been a right nightmare!

On a happy note I went cinema on Halloween with my best mate to see that film "Mirrors" excellent film and really funny yet freaky, things keep jumping out at you, to which my mate will understand how incredibly funny that was afterwards.

Christmas also seems to be right around the corner, I've managed to be quite planned out this year so I'm almost done with present buying, just the few odds and ends that need to be tied up. No doubt time will tell how that plays out, I'm heading for the last pay packet before Christmas at the end of November, so I'm just trying to play it all cool.

There's so many things going on separately to all of that, that I want to talk about but it's way too complicated and to be honest the thousand questions I would get afterwards from various people wouldn't be worth it, I don't want the hassle.

Looking at my life these past few months, I've come to realize that as attached to home as I am, I don't want to live here for the rest of my life, living here meaning living here in England. As happy as I am in my private life the events that are taking place at the moment just wont hold up and there's no possible way of fixing them, that's just the way it is.

Its a long way off yet, maybe I'll change my mind before then, but I doubt it, I'm doing this I'm going to make my mark in my life and go where my hearts leading me, even if I'll never have what I truly want - that's my fault and my burden to bare, I'll live with that regret for the rest of my life.

Anyway, enough of that,

Take care all xxxx



Currently Listening To: Staind -So Far Away.