Lost

"Here I am, stood on the rooftop looking over the skyline of the city, feeling the breeze around my shoulders."

Feel like I'm in a world of my own right now, with everything that's happened over the last few days. A part of me feels relief, happy that I can finally be me without worrying about the consequences as the consequences are already here.

"I stare out into the darkness, with only twinkling lights from various building guiding my view."

I've often thought about my life in various ways, wondering if all this pent up frustration and anger I have for myself is back from the school days of being bullied and fighting to keep my friends that I did have.

A lot of my friends reckon that high school was what really prepares you for life, I went to a catholic school - completely separated from the bullies of primary school. I was prepared for the worst and for the first few years I got more or less bullied by various people, used and spat out. I skived quite a bit, faking illness or just not showing up. It was easier, easier than going there, but at least I was prepared, my friends or at least some of them hadn't experienced the bullying issue or the need to defend yourself from anyone yet, I don't really think they ever did until they went out into the real world.

"The breeze around my shoulders, drifting through my hair, filling my heart with sorrow, drowning me in my thoughts."

I'm quiet, or so my profile box says and to be honest its true, I clam up and push away everything. The last few days moms been nagging at me to tell her whats going on, I came home from work in tears Tuesday night and that set the ball rolling. She was on a mission to find out why I was upset and she didn't stop till this morning and I finally broke.

I didn't tell her the whole charade I'd told her only what was wrong with me, more or less went like this:

Me: "[talking about what needed to be done today] Yeah I'll get it whilst I'm there."
Mum: "...Cat what's wrong, please talk to me."
Me: "Nothing mum it doesn't matter..."
Mum: "You can talk to me Cat, is it something to do with..."
Me: "[Cut her off] Yeah."
Mum: "What happened?"
Me: "We had an argument."
Mum: "What about?"
Me: "Please don't make me talk about it..."

[Later today in the kitchen]

Mum: "So what were you arguing about?"
Me: "[long pause]"
Mum: "Cat?"
Me: "Just stupid things."
Mum: "Is there someone else? It's hard over dis..."
Me: "[Cut her off sharply] No mum, its not that."
Mum: "So what?"
Me: "It's nothing to do with that...Its not even his fault, I let him down, I betrayed his trust, its my fault."
Mum: "Oh Cat..."

The look she gave me was it, I was in tears, I'd broken her heart just as much as I'd broken his. The door bell rang and I knew it was gonna be someone from the council so I quickly dried up and carried on, I couldn't cry in front of them or anyone really, I've pushed it down inside of me, buried it, burying my feelings.

I'm lying in bed at night thinking about it, its going over and over in my head, but in amongst all the pain, I know I've done the right thing, I could have left it but I didn't, I could have walked away but I didn't, I put right my mistake and went back to face the consequences.

"I stretch open my arms feeling the breeze beneath me, almost lifting me into its arms and carrying me away with it."

Right now I'm lost and I'm scared and I'm very much alone. I cant think past each second, I can only see right now and right now makes me feel down and upset, but that's guilt for you. Guilty as charged.

I've got so much to say, but the words aren't coming to me right now so I may come back and edit this at a later stage, right now I'm tired and cold and really need to think about getting ready for work tomorrow.

Much love to my mate and her grandma, hope she gets better babes xxx


Peace all, take care xxxxxxxxxx


Currently Listening To: R Kelly Gotham City


"And the breeze left as soon as it came, taking with it my heart and soul, lost in eternity forever."