The Good, The Bad And The Ugly

Have you ever asked yourself what bullying and intimidation truly is? I decided to look it up in the dictionary:


v. bul·lied, bul·ly·ing, bul·lies

1. To treat in an overbearing or intimidating manner. See Synonyms at intimidate.
2. To make (one's way) aggressively.


in·tim·i·date (n-tm-dt)
tr.v. in·tim·i·dat·ed, in·tim·i·dat·ing, in·tim·i·dates

1. To make timid; fill with fear.
2. To coerce or inhibit by or as if by threats.


Big up to dictionary.com for the result :)


I used to think it was the one person you were most afraid of doing something to you, you didn't like. But I see its more than that, just lately I've learnt the hard way. I cant go into too much detail, save to say it's happening to me right now.

Kind of feel like it's my two cents for a lot of things that I've probably done wrong lately. I'm not really sure how to explain how I feel right now, fear is a big issue and yeah I am feeling pretty down with it all. I don't like seeing anyone get bullied or intimidated let alone myself.

He does scare me, he does make me wonder what on earth he's going to do next, but I cant DO anything about it, not because I don't want to but because I guess I'm too scared of what he'll do if I did.

Right now I'm living in the shadow of him and I just am so lost...confused and afraid. I really don't know what I'm going to do or how its going to end but...is there a but?

I pray that somewhere out there I find the strength to overcome him, to rid myself of the constant drama that unfolds every time I see him, but I don't like my chances, with how I am right now he could push me into the deepest darkest pit and to hell I'd probably stay there.

Sorry for the morbid-ness of this post but at least I am (even the slightest step) closer to freedom by admitting (even somewhere) that I am being bullied and intimidated, maybe this is my first step towards freedom.


Take care all xxxxxx



Currently Listening To: Linkin Park - Leave Out All The Rest

I Can't Cry Hard Enough For You To Hear Me

Hey all hows it goin'?


Sorry for the lack of videoage just lately, I haven't really been in the mood for it. I think a lot of things are catching up with me, I've pushed all my feelings over this break up right down inside of me but it's starting to fight back.

I've been incredibly down the past few days, well week or so, why is it I can't do anything even go work without something reminding me of it? I see him everywhere I go, I think of him in the most unexpected ways, like I can be doing something totally unrelated but suddenly he'll pop into my head and it'll be a killer moment, you know those moments?

Their normally the ones where you think "oh man I wish so and so was here to see this." It's incredibly hard being broken hearted, a lot harder than I remember it being, I thought I'd be starting the healing process by now, but I seem to be stuck in this rut.

I think it's cos I haven't changed my holiday, next week would have been the week I got to see him, for the first time, I'd already booked the time off work and never changed it after we broke up so I have to take it. It's gonna be a really hard week, I think that might be the biggest thing that I'm thinking about right now.

I know over the next 14 days or so I'm going to be thinking of all the 'what ifs' and wondering how I made it all go wrong again. I think I've pretty much beaten myself into the ground over it all, rightly so though.

I went to the cinema last night to see that "17 Again" really good film and a good girly film, good for a laugh. But it's your typical romance story boy meets girl falls in love, gets married, things go wrong, girl gets rid of guy, guy wins girls heart back, happy ever after story. And of course all the sentimental moments had me tearing up at the moment of it.

I'm just finding it so damn hard right now, incredibly emotional over the littlest things, driving to work listening to some tunes even happy ones and I'm tearing up going over and over and over it in my head, what's wrong with me?

I wish I could just fade away, stop this 'just existing' existence. I just don't wanna be here anymore.

I should get ready for another day at work really, take care all xxx




Currently Listening To: Reflection - Christina Aguilera

Don't They Know It's The End Of The World?

I think at first I thought I was dreaming, I thought it wasn't happening, I'd finally found this perfect wonderful piece of happiness and fought for it for so long that I just couldn't believe it'd gone, that I'd lost it again, that I'd got into a relationship and been hurt all over again.

I've been burned before, and it hurt so bad. This was 100 times worse...This IS 100 times worse, I dunno what to think or to feel I'm so numb....

At the time I sobbed, I absolutely broke down, I got away from the PC as quick as I could and sobbed my heart out into my mums shoulder, my dad even shedding a tear or two at my pitiful display of complete broken heartedness, I was...and still am just existing. A shell with no life, washed up on the beech... the after math of some hell of a wave.

My life was perfect - days, weeks and hours even before hand, yet it all came crashing down around me again, I promised I wouldn't let myself get hurt again...But I did.

Work was hell the day after I couldn't even stay on a till for five minutes, my team leader whipped me into the customer toilets and grilled me about why I was so upset, where I again proceeded to blast out one hell of an emotional tantrum if you will. Anger, pain and god knows what. She told me I had to "get over it" the first day after and I'm supposed to "get over it" I don't think so.

I cried that night, in bed till my head hurt, I felt and still feel as though the bed I sleep in now is once again empty, before it felt safe - I got in and felt happy, like a part of me was alive again, now... Now its all gone.

Going sleep is simply sleeping, I cant explain it in to words, when you love someone SO much, you'd do anything, ANYTHING to hold on to it, when you know that person is the one, the one you want to give your heart to, the one you think is the most amazing, most wonderful loving person on the planet - when you think they feel the same and they don't... When even though they've stopped loving you, you still can't let go of loving them.

That's where I am right now. I just cant let go. And It's killing me.

I think one of the hardest parts has been explaining it to everyone else, everyone wants the gossip, I guess their attracted to the misery of someone else. It's like seeing a car crash on the road and slowing down to have a look. Why?!?

I think I've come to realise the past few days (now that this blog has been sat in my draft section for a week or so) that I don't think I ever will stop loving him. For him, this is as easy as it gets, he's free of the commitment, he doesn't want me and he's made that perfectly clear.

But that won't and can't stop me from feeling the way I do. I told him many a times that he had my heart, and now I realize how true that statement is. I prayed last night for the pain to end, but I know it won't short of some miracle. And now I know I don't want it to.

I'd rather suffer this pain every single day for the rest of my life, than to have not had those precious moments with him. His happiness is now and always was all that matters to me, this is what he wanted and no matter how much it hurts me I'll honour that and stay out of his life.


Take care all xxxx



Currently Listening To: I Will Remember You - Sarah McLachlan.

The New Tesco Captain Cat

So we're getting a new uniform at work. I wont be uploading pictures of my old uniform save to say it's blue checkered shirt with navy blue trousers and a navy blue jumper. It's boring and old and definately not something you want to be seen out in.

We can't wear our new uniform till the 11th May, gives time for any needed alterations to be made. Anyway please forgive me in some of the following pictures I really don't take pictures well :p



This is the red shirt, I got two red shirts as I like the fitting, feels really comfortable to wear, and has the "TESCO" name sown in to the shirt on the right side and on the left arm.



This is the red fleece we got an option like with shirts navy blue shirts or red shirts. With the jackets you get red or navy blue jackets and I opted for one of each, depending on how many days you work depended on how much stuff you got. I got the full whack because I work 5 days a week and work 32 hours a week.



You'll have to forgive that NONE of my clothes are actually ironed yet :p I only got them tuesday and they need washing yet, these are the trousers with handy pockets and places to hang keys ;)



This is the red polo shirt, got two red polo shirts cos their pretty nice to wear. Got one navy blue one too I'll show you that one shortly...



This is the blue polo shirt, same as the red just navy blue. Really nice to wear hopefully good to work in too. :)



This is the navy blue jacket I spoke about earlier, same as the red one really nice to wear and deffinately keeps you warm! :) This was taken with flash, so might look a bit naff :p





There we go just a few pics so y'all can just use your imagination with the rest. Take care all and mega big thanks for all the support on the videos I'll deffo be uploading more soon so just keep watching... :)

Black Friday

I made this poem a year ago.


Walk me to Calvary and hold me high, on a cross where I will die.
I have been here once before, I remember my body being thrown to the floor.
I was different then and I knew what to do, but now I know it really was all for you.
They lifted me high, on a cross of wood, where my hands dripped with endless blood.
I felt my body want to give way, when the Roman turned to run away.
He proclaimed me ‘The Son Of God’ but it was too late, My God had already set my Fate.
And as I died on the cross, I thought of all that would have been lost, if I had not died for you.
So now I return, many years on, stand in your streets, listen to your songs.
But I always visit the place where I died, reliving it one more time.
So walk me to Calvary and hold me high, on a cross where I will die.


xxxx

Out Of Reach

I must have listened to this song 500 times in the past few months...That's really all I can say about it right now.