Don't They Know It's The End Of The World?

I think at first I thought I was dreaming, I thought it wasn't happening, I'd finally found this perfect wonderful piece of happiness and fought for it for so long that I just couldn't believe it'd gone, that I'd lost it again, that I'd got into a relationship and been hurt all over again.

I've been burned before, and it hurt so bad. This was 100 times worse...This IS 100 times worse, I dunno what to think or to feel I'm so numb....

At the time I sobbed, I absolutely broke down, I got away from the PC as quick as I could and sobbed my heart out into my mums shoulder, my dad even shedding a tear or two at my pitiful display of complete broken heartedness, I was...and still am just existing. A shell with no life, washed up on the beech... the after math of some hell of a wave.

My life was perfect - days, weeks and hours even before hand, yet it all came crashing down around me again, I promised I wouldn't let myself get hurt again...But I did.

Work was hell the day after I couldn't even stay on a till for five minutes, my team leader whipped me into the customer toilets and grilled me about why I was so upset, where I again proceeded to blast out one hell of an emotional tantrum if you will. Anger, pain and god knows what. She told me I had to "get over it" the first day after and I'm supposed to "get over it" I don't think so.

I cried that night, in bed till my head hurt, I felt and still feel as though the bed I sleep in now is once again empty, before it felt safe - I got in and felt happy, like a part of me was alive again, now... Now its all gone.

Going sleep is simply sleeping, I cant explain it in to words, when you love someone SO much, you'd do anything, ANYTHING to hold on to it, when you know that person is the one, the one you want to give your heart to, the one you think is the most amazing, most wonderful loving person on the planet - when you think they feel the same and they don't... When even though they've stopped loving you, you still can't let go of loving them.

That's where I am right now. I just cant let go. And It's killing me.

I think one of the hardest parts has been explaining it to everyone else, everyone wants the gossip, I guess their attracted to the misery of someone else. It's like seeing a car crash on the road and slowing down to have a look. Why?!?

I think I've come to realise the past few days (now that this blog has been sat in my draft section for a week or so) that I don't think I ever will stop loving him. For him, this is as easy as it gets, he's free of the commitment, he doesn't want me and he's made that perfectly clear.

But that won't and can't stop me from feeling the way I do. I told him many a times that he had my heart, and now I realize how true that statement is. I prayed last night for the pain to end, but I know it won't short of some miracle. And now I know I don't want it to.

I'd rather suffer this pain every single day for the rest of my life, than to have not had those precious moments with him. His happiness is now and always was all that matters to me, this is what he wanted and no matter how much it hurts me I'll honour that and stay out of his life.


Take care all xxxx



Currently Listening To: I Will Remember You - Sarah McLachlan.