Things 09/10

Merry Christmas, Happy New Year!!

I know it's not quite New Year yet but I couldn't see myself writing another post before Friday so I thought I'd get in early! I hope you've all been keeping well, I've had a fairly miserable Christmas, slept most of it down and out with the flu! No it wasn't swine flu before your little minds get a tickin'!

Just one cold on top of another, thought I'd make it for Christmas but then blasted down at the last hurdle with one heck of a cold, funnily a friend at work got ill the same day I did, just goes to show there must be something going round!

All in all though Christmas 09 was a lovely day, spending time with the kids, bro and and Gem did me good!

As a present from my brother and Gem, I got a ticket to go see (with them) live in Manchester: Peter Kay! I absolutely adore Peter Kay he makes me CRY laughing, I'm really looking forward to it, so much that I screamed when I opened the envelope Christmas Day.

I got a gorgeous IPod touch as well as docking station which gives me the extra edge to blast my music first thing in the morning before turning on my PC. So all in all I didn't do too badly. I'm really glad this year is coming to a close, for some reason its been the year of death, lots of soldiers killed in Iraq of course, Celebrity death is another, thankfully, I haven't had anyone I know personally die, so no funerals for me this year, although some days I have wondered.

Dad's doing a little better now, better than the last time I wrote of him, he went to have an "Endoscopy" today which in English means a camera down the throat, thankfully we got the news back that dad didn't have cancer in his stomach which was of much relief to us all I can tell you! He did however have a "Hernia" where he'd previously had one, 5cm in length so they said, they took some biopsy whilst they were in there too so he's a bit sore at the moment.

I had to admire his strength though, both me and my sister agreed we'd have to be fully knocked out before anyone shoved anything down our throats!

So that's the update-age on the family! So bar being ill and Christmas I simply didn't have the chance to update you all over that period! I was really busy working and what not, although this year work seems to have been really slow, maybe that's a sign of the times and the economic downturn, I'm not really that into politics to care.

I've come to realise the last few weeks that Dean Martin is my ideal man. I think a lot of girls (or rather women) have said that over the years. But I don't mean him personally, I mean in the personality type trait, he's the bad boy macho Itlaiano-show case nut that fits with my wacko-outrageous, weird, sarcastic icky sticky lady type. I have taken a large interest in his music, favouring some of his songs on Youtube, my fave at the mo would have to be this:

His voice sends shivers down my spine, I seriously get the chills of "perfection" when I hear him sing. I was having a lengthy discussion with a relative/friend of mine I used to work with long ago (when I was young and innocent) the other day. She couldn't believe someone like me of my age and "trend" would be interested in someone like him.

Basically if I'd lived in a different time and place I'd more than likely have done anything to make a move on this smooth talking sweetheart. He's perfect and the fact that he's so im-perfect is what makes him perfect! Work that out :)

I could talk about Dean Martin for a long while yet but I know most of you will be nagging at me at some point in our joint Yahoo con-flabs that I'll have to smooch you all into high heavens! So I'll move swiftly on, probably best as I'm trying to not rabbit on too much!

I've been reading a book I got for Christmas (actually I need to do a call out for Kudos to a mega awesome super friend of mine Samantha (my chic!) who introduced me to this book after we discovered we were both into the same thing!) It's a book about a lady who can speak with the dead, it's about communicating with Spirits and knowing (in the writers mind) what her interpretation is (whether it be true or not) of what the afterlife tells her happens when we die.

Of course it's not just covering death and spirits she goes into great detail about other things such as dealing with greif and how grief doesnt have to nessicarily mean that you've lost someone who has died, you can also grieve for the loss of jobs, loss of pets and even loss of a realationship.

I think that last part was what made me want to buy the book more than the other parts (although reading it I dont actually want to get to that part yet I want to read more about the afterlife parts!) In the book it describes stages of grief, and I physically can now say I have reached number 10 (I think it's 10 don't quote me!) I'm one step away from the last stage which is moving on, and continuing with my life's purpose. She basically explains that before we arrived here we chose what our life was going to be like, we discussed our life's plan with God and the angels. It really is an amazing read and even though I havent reached the part about realationships yet, I'm happy to say I made it this far on my own and I'm really proud of myself for how I handled myself.

A friend asked me the other day, "I saw on Facebook you'd joined the group "a new year a new start"" "Yeah?" I replied wondering what her response would be. She took a breath, put her arm round my shoulder and cuddled me a bit. "I'm really proud of you Cat."

I didn't know it at the time but she explained it to me a couple nights ago over late night txt-ing in bed. She'd been with me for most of the complete shitty days where I'd hated myself, where I'd been so low over loosing someone I loved, she'd been through most of it with me, she said she was proud of me because she couldn't have done what I did.

I explained to her that if I hadnt had the most amazing friends and family like her I wouldnt have got that far! And that by joining that group on Facebook I was making a statement, next year everything that happened this year, all the "bad things" and the "terrible things" were gonna be forgotten, I wasnt going to sit back and watch my life go by anymore, I'm my own person and I'm a wonderful, caring smart young lady with a heck of a lot to offer, I know next year I'll find my second attempt at mister right, because there's no way I'm spending another year alone...

She txt back.... :D

Who knows, maybe it's on the cards right now? Keep you posted peeps :D

Have a good un and don't get too drunk!!!




£> Captain Caticus Sparrow <3
xxx xxx

P.S I take it back Dean Martin IS my ideal man, personailty and all...*Day dreams*

I'm Here...Sort Of....

GUYS IMPORTANT NOTICE: YOU MAY HAVE TO TURN YOUR SOUND UP, I KINDA GOOFED WITH SITTING BACK IN MY CHAIR SO I WAS FURTHER AWAY FROM THE MIC ON THE CAM, SORRRRRRRY! xxx :) You know you love me anyway :p xxx

I Wish I Could Break All The Chains Holding Me

I suppose I'm sat here wondering what to write because I feel like I have so much to say and not enough words to express it. I've been wanting to write something here for a few days now, just felt like I didn't really know how.

I've got so many things going round inside my head that I wish sometimes I could stop this magic roundabout and get off. Do you ever have days where you wish that you could turn back the clock to a time when you were at your most happiest? That you could live inside your happiest dream forever and ever and not have to worry about anything ever again?

I do frequently, I guess it's my way of dealing with strong emotions that I'd rather push down inside my stomach and never remember again.

I remember being little and seeing my dad working on cars, watching him as he happily worked away fixing this and that, being active and free and balanced in his life. He had a daily routine, went to work and did odd jobs, I loved it. I loved watching him be my dad and watching him do things that made him happy.

As I've grown, so did he obviously and now I'm a young woman of 24 years of age, wondering if my dad is going to live another year. He's changed so much, become so helpless and low. I put on a brave face, I have to and I certainly don't cry in front of him because that's just who I am. I save my crying for my room and my room only. Well bar some instances where I've cried at work but they were for different reasons entirely.

I'm worried incredibly about him and his health, I'm worried about my home life simple things like my cat 'Poppy' and money and bills and Christmas you know the usual?

I've mentioned in my last post the problems that I was having with my brother and such last time. Things have got much better... Well with him and his girlfriend anyway.

I'm still stuck in a rut, I'm incredibly low right now and hurt. My mum and dad have forgiven and forgotten and have moved forwards, but I'm... Not. I'm finding it hard to let go of things my brother did and said, things his girlfriend did and said and stuff that happened. I feel like everyone thinks I'm being selfish, but had they spoken to me at all they'd realize I'm not. Or at least I'm not trying to be.

On top of all my other worries I have this to deal with, I cant face them at all and its not because I don't love them or don't want to see them it's just because I'm lost and alone. I'm afraid of letting go of my feelings that are all twisted up inside my heart, both of them hurt me in ways they wouldn't understand, I'm one of these people who cant just forgive and forget like that, the pain of an argument, even a simple one can stay with me for a long time.

Is that being selfish? To feel hurt and pain after being told horrible things by people that you love more than anything? Maybe it is, maybe I am being selfish and not supporting my brother for every turn. I cant just let go and if they cant see that then I'm sorry, sorry for being me.

But then I've been sorry for being me before. I openly have said to many people that I wish I was someone else, someone who meant something to somebody. I guess I'm going to have to live with who I am, I cant change who I am and to try WOULD be selfish. I'm not really making any sense right now.

On top of all of that, I woke up this morning and suddenly had this aching desire to write a conclusion about my failed love attempt with my ex. It's resurfaced feelings that have brought me to tears today and I have no idea why.

It's been around about 8 months now since we broke up and for some reason he was the first thing on my mind when I woke up. Maybe I'm pushing so much emotion away and pain that stuff is falling out the sides and he could be one of them.

Even after 8 months I feel, something is still breathing inside of me, something makes me feel alive when I think of him. He was the single most amazingly, wonderful person I've ever met who ever made me feel alive in my whole life. He made me feel special and wanted and in a way he still does.

Of course all that we had is probably buried in a dark room by now, but inside of me this little flame keeps burning and even now his name still makes me melt slightly. Although I'm still cramming all that away inside of my heart, once it's in there I'll lock it and throw away the key.

I thought about him a lot this morning actually, I found the single and only letter he'd ever freely written to me in a draw yesterday when I was searching for a pen to take to work I left it on top my desk and of course couldn't help but gander at it once more this morning. As I was reading it I felt a wave of emotion fall over me, my eyes dripped tears onto my silk bed spread and one particular piece touched my heart...He said:

"I talked with mom about you the other night, when Dad and Dennis were out and about. I'm a private person by nature but when it's "women trouble", she tends to be on the receiving end of it. I talked about us, some of the ups and downs and how comfortable I'd always felt with you. You always make me feel so incredible, so loved and that's always been the case."

So I'm sat there reliving the moment I opened that and the song that was playing on the kitchen stereo at the time when I read it: "Lighthouse Family - Free"

Those words made me feel special when I read them, made me feel 'free' and this morning when I woke up and read it again, even though everything that's happened and is happening he made me feel special again. But then he was the love of my life and he'll always have my heart no matter how much he shattered it.

Anyway, I guess I should go back to surfing the net for stuff to look at for a few hours before it's time to eat, shower and get bed...


Take care guys, see you soon xxx


P.S Sorry to go a little EMO in this post with you guys!

Taking Down The Walls

The following video is dedicated to my big bro, who I love so much and I'm so proud of...The words remind me of you bro xxx






I guess tonight was bound to happen, the building of pressure, the breaking of shattered hearts floating on the wind... The eyes of the blind seeing more than the eyes of non-blind. I'm not really sure how I feel right now, a bit confused, bit on the edge, I'm really hoping I'm not edging myself into the darkness once more.

I've always painted a picture inside my head of how perfect love should be, how pretty flowers blow in the wind and you run in slow motion into the arms of the one you love, the one you hope to spend the rest of your life with.

But as I figured out tonight, the moment when your just about to leap into the arms of the one you love, this big wall comes down and stops you. Sending you crashing back into reality with a loud and horrid, almost sickening, thud.

You literally hear your heart breaking, but it doesn't end there...Its not that easy. Somehow you end up building these tense emotions up inside your head, you start seeing walls everywhere you go and you continually fall down and down and down until one day you just...Explode and god help anyone you love whose in your way when you do.

I was on the end of a brutal chat, one where I thought I knew the outcome but sadly mistaken for an actual reality of finding out things I should have realized long ago.

It's funny that the ones in your family you love and admire the most are the ones who can hurt you the most. I'm not sure if anyone reading this has ever been in a situation like this but even if you haven't just imagine or remember a time when you got so hurt and angry with someone you love (mum, dad, sister, brother, auntie or uncle...e.c.t) That you told them exactly what you thought of them, but not because you wanted to or because you actually mean it, because your hurt and angry.

It's the most awful experience in the world and I never ever want to be on the receiving end ever again.

Of course the after math brings out the dark side, but you eventually get back to being semi normal, but it takes a heck of a long while to recover.

Broken hearts are a bitch. Plain and simple.

I guess in a way my most recent broken heart left the two of us not speaking to one another. In a way this helps, but in another it makes it worse, you never know what the end result was. I had it easy I guess, I wasn't wanted because I wasn't pretty enough, smart enough, close enough or lovely enough to be wanted, it didn't matter what I wanted, what I felt deep in my heart or whether I could climb mountains for him, or bring back the dead. In the end he wanted perfection or near enough to it and I knew I couldn't give that to him.

So it ended, and my self confidence took a nose dive into the pits of hell. He switched himself off and turned his back on me, I tried to carry on, so did he.

Even now after promising not to mention this subject again to myself, I find myself recalling back the good old days when I'd have a laugh with him, when I'd talk to him on Skype, when I'd get compliments from him...All the while wondering whether he really meant it.

Looking at a similar situation I think it must be a Hodgson gene to fail with men/women. Though maybe I realize that now, it's just something that we all have to deal with, day in and day out.

I remember my ex telling me at the end that he'd got to some kind of conclusion that he wasn't suppose to be with anyone and that he was learning to deal with that, or something along those lines...Ironic, I think now, That he had someone who loved him for who he was and would travel 50 million miles to be with him yet he said he reckons god or time or fate or whoever doesn't want him to be with anyone. What a load of cack.

A great actor that I like very much once said:

"If you're lucky, life is gonna give you one shot at true love..."

He was mine and I blew it. He's not the one whose gonna be lonely this Christmas...I am and I'm dealing with that, even if I wish I didn't have to.

Sometimes you have to take down walls to build bridges. Tonight I did both.

Then A Hero Comes Along With The Strength To Carry On...

Hey guys! Long time no speak!

This may be quite long, depending on how quick I can type, according to Facebook not very quick lmao. I did one of those typing applications the other day, they told me my speed was 23 words per minute with 93% accuracy, hmm.

Although you guys know very different, I have this permanent typo stuck in my fingers, I blame my nails. :D

Anyway, apologies for the lack of updates just lately, I've had Internet issues with my Broadband provider which took two weeks to fix! I swear these companies expect you to pay out and when you do you think your paying for this great service but in actual fact I think some big wig sits there and laughs at your stupidity! Safe to say mom had words with them otherwise I'd still be Internet-less today. Urgh I give up on commercial brands.

Of course the main reason for lack of keeping you informed was that I spent most of my time WITH you for real. I had my pre booked holiday at the end of September, it was awesome, two weeks of complete bliss...To not not be at work was lovely, I think it suits me I should do it more often lol :)

Part of me wants to b e a mommy for that reason, is that selfish? Or maybe just the fact some days I can be extremely lazy! But don't we all have those days? I've become a lot more active just recently...Which is kind of a good feeling, seeing as I spent a heck of a lot of time behind a computer screen for a heck of a long time!

I went to the hospital to have my first appointment with the "Endocrine" Clinic the other day, had all the usual tests done before speaking with the Doctor himself who was actually very mean! He had a really bad attitude problem and to be honest I'm dreading going back to see him in January. He put me on these tablets "Metformin." I have to take three a day but I had to build up to that gradually, started off taking one a day for a couple of days then two a day for a couple of days, then three a day until I go back to see him.

I'm not sure what he's hoping they'll achieve, but we'll see how that goes. Apart from that I've been doing a heck of a lot round the house, trying to take care of Poppy and her fleas - that's the one thing with having a cat they get major flea problems, but thankfully I think we've finally started to cure the problem. You see with Kittens it's so hard to flea control them, they cant really have flea spray or anything because their too young, the vet gave us this spot on thing that you put on the back of her neck, but she's so skittish about having it put on that when we did get it on (I promptly missed and got her shoulder) she licked it straight off which in turn made her sick and urgh you know the rest...

But it's sorted for the most part now, we're trying to control them the best we can. But as ever she's growing and you know what I really don't see it! So many people have told me how big she's getting at what not but the reality of it is, because I live with her she's just the same every day to me.



She was born ironically enough on my birthday and the same day Michael Jackson died so I'm wondering now whether my perfect pussy is the reincarnation of MJ, lol, if she starts doing the dance to thriller, or eyes me suspiciously I'll let you guys know! Wouldn't that be awesome though.... :D

Work has been good, well as good as it can be, work is work after all and I don't think there's one person out there who runs around screaming "Yes! I have 10 hours of work today oh my god I love it!" Although that'd be really funny.

I've noticed just recently that I'm using this blog as more of a diary, then as appose to somewhere where I can share my thoughts and feelings on certain situations and events. I'm not really sure what to say about that other than I'm trying not to turn this into a Emo-Kid's Gothic slasher horror novel, more just me writing down whatever comes into my head at the time.

Another update, I've started wearing my glasses again, mostly to combat the horrible headaches I keep getting. Especially at work, and though I haven't worn them for a long time it's helping a lot with reading and writing both of which I'm doing a heck of a lot of right now.

It feels good to wear them and they are really comfortable, though I'm short sighted so it's no good for me when I'm driving, though I have worn them a couple of times when I'm driving to and from work, but at night they make things worse so I'm gonna stick to keeping them off whilst driving home in the dark from work.

Not a good photo but meh. It'll do just for a glance, I havent made a video on here for a while and its starting to get to me, I love writing cos I have more time to find and express my feelings without writing it down before hand for a video.

Like to give some shout-outs though to two people Gem and Sam who both lost loved ones just recently, I've spoken to guys personally about it so you know what I said but you know, just a shout out to let you know where I am if you need me.

On a side note Sam and I are planning "Tour de England" for next year a roadtrip for a couple of days where were gonna hire a car and just travel north hopefully, need to sort out the finer print but you know that'll come, we're not planning the "Tour De England" til July time next year so that'll be something to look forwards to!

Gonna start wrapping this blog post up now as its already way too long, September was...A crazy month for me, as most of you guys know. I planned to start an awesome journey with someone who I loved very much, unfortunately it didnt work, a part of me is glad I found out that before I actually went over there and made a fool of myself, another part of me is sad because I wanted it to be special, I thought he was the one, a part of me still wonders what could have been, but obviously god time or fate or whatever didn't want us to be together and that's cool, I'm okay with that now...To a degree, I know there's someone out there even more special that maybe I'm supposed to be with and that's why I wake up eah morning with a smile, knowing that one day I'll be really happy.

I cried a couple of times during the time off, thinking of it all, but for once I didnt break down into a sob, I actually started to realize that I'm a really special girl with a wonderful personality, I have so much to offer and when that time comes it'll be better than maybe I imagined it would be and not having to be travelling half way across the world to be told where to go.

I'm happy now, I've discovered my friends and family are really important to me, they were there for me when it all went down the pan and they've stayed there through it all, that to me is more special than any relationship with any man. I hope you guys know where I am if you need me.

So that's about it, I'll see most of you guys either online or out in the vastness of England, so keep me updated people I love you guys take care until next time... :)

£> xxx All my love xxx <3




Currently Listening To: Candyman - Christina Aguilera

Time Love & Tenderness

Hey all how's it going?


I have some time to kill tonight before bed, although maybe I should actually be getting ready for bed but that's not the point. I looked back at the last couple of posts I'd written here on my blog - just by chance - and noticed they appeared to be a bit morbid...Okay, OKAY a lot morbid, so I've had it rough the last little while what with dad having a stroke and all...

But today I've had a really good day! Wednesday's and Sunday's are my day's off and their always extremely enjoyable. But today I just felt really happy, maybe some slight tension relief after everything that's been going on with my dad.

So I'll go into it a bit, but I don't want to ruin the mood so I'll just give you guys the basic outline. As I explained in my last post dad had a stroke, thankfully a minor one. We took him to the docs and the next day he had an all day appointment at the hospital (these guys don't hang about with stroke victims) we spent the whole day there and he had a brain scan which revealed he'd had another smaller stroke which left some damage on his brain before this one...

His arteries in his neck were revealed to be 50% blocked on one side and 20% on the other which (as the doc said) isn't at the point where they need to operate thankfully. He has a heart murmur which he'll need to have an ECG for I presume but we're not sure when, since then he's been docs a few times and it's all been a bit stressful for him.

We're trying to keep stress levels to a minimum and he's not allowed to drive for a calendar month from the date of the stroke. We're all deeply worried about him and my mum in particular, I'm just worried about everyone, worried about my brother about my dad and mum and how their handling it all. I'm amazed at myself for how strong I've been, it's been a real roller coaster and so far touch wood, he hasn't had another one (though we had a scare the other day when we thought he may have had one in his sleep but he was showing no obvious signs apart from complete memory loss....)

So that's the update on that. I've been watching a ton of movies again, mostly horror and animated films such as Madagascar and Bolt and horror films such as the good old chuckster from the Child's Play movies - god I love that guy he makes me CRY laughing.

Not sure if I mentioned it yet but we have a kitten now! Her name is poppy picture is below...



She's an adorable kitten, VERY playful but still very skittish, she had a BAD life before she got to us and she's finding it hard to adjust to us treating her like a part of the family instead of like a piece of dirt.

We love her so much, she's one of us now and she's done my dad the world of good, he's calling her "my cat" all the time, especially when he can't find her he'll come up to one of us and ask "where's my cat?" it's great, really gave him something to hang on for if that sounds good?

Me and my mum love her don't get me wrong, but we're DOG people and so even though my dad's not quite for it at the moment (me and mum are still going ahead with it) by Christmas time we hope to be settling a new puppy into the Hodgson household. To be exact what I've always wanted - a Labrador puppy. Not sure if we'll go for a yellow, chocolate or black puppy just yet, depends on what';s around at the time...Their expensive puppies at £250 per shot. I'll keep you posted.

I've got Michael Bolton on tonight if you haven't already guessed from the title, been speaking to a guy from Brazil who I randomly met online tonight and he's been remarking at how polite I am and what not - I guess it's always nice to have your self confidence boosted a bit, I can't say that about too many guys in this world.

So apart from having a raging telephone call with a telephone salesman earlier today I've made the most of my day off, had a full pyjama day today, stayed in my PJ's alllllllllll day :) loving it!

Oh and England won in the world cup qualifier with Croatia! Bring it on!

So I'm gonna cut this one loose and leave you guys with a reminder that this is officially my song (listen out for my name at 0.48 secs) :



And to take a look at this, it'll make you laugh I swear!

http://news.uk.msn.com/odd-news/article.aspx?cp-documentid=149601784

Love you guys xxxx

Easy Doesn't Enter Into Grown Up Life

Hey all,

Guess I didn't really feel like making a video today either, truthfully? Didn't plan on writing a blog post at 01:04am either. Just finished watching a film "The Weatherman" with Nicholas Cage....He's a fantastic actor.

I guess I've had a lot of things on my mind tonight...Today. Bank Holiday Monday, a day when people sit around with each other, basically like your second Sunday. Didn't feel much like doing anything today anyway.

In these quiet times I get to thinking...Thinking about a lot of things, today was no exception. I feel like I'm standing on the edge of this huge Crater, waiting for something to happen, anything, and as I stand there feeling this undefinable breeze around my neck, I suddenly realize it's not going to happen.

I found myself wishing for things to go back the way they were when I was happy not long ago, this evening. Films do that to me, I tend to compare people in movies to myself, I relate to characters is more what I'm trying to say.

"The Weatherman" didn't do much for me, except relate to the fact that the lead character - "The actual weatherman" had issues, just like me. I don't feel like I belong anywhere, I feel like I'm constantly missing out on something...Or just not wanting to be apart of anything.

I...Feel lost and gone, not in your average type of way, I feel like I'm literally lost inside my own world. So many things leave me and never come back that I end up wondering if its me or if its them or it. I'm loosing my ability to focus on the future and instead resolve to reliving the past over and over inside of my head, why do I do this? How can I control this? Am I some fictitious character like in the films I watch, are they describing my life?

This sounds ridiculous and empty, not like me, I'm the good girl the always smiling happy go lucky kinda girl, people get weird when I get upset. I'm offended easily, I'm twisted in ways I don't understand, neither do I wish to.

Right now all I wanna do is curl up in a ball on my bed and stare out at the stars, amazing really - little tiny balls of light that have travelled millions of light years to get to my eyes so I can see them sparkling in the sky...Is that a good thing? Or depiction of another part of me that I'm missing?

I am just a broken puzzle with little bits of me scattered all over the place, Leicester, Manchester, Birmingham, Skegness, Los Angeles, Calgary various places where a part of me has been left behind, the list goes on...Every time I go away I leave a piece of me behind...I don't know what my hearts pinning so desperately for tonight...

Comfort?
Energy?
Love?
Hope?

I feel so empty and lost and alone, but, isn't that what I wanted?

Wake Me Up When September Ends

Hey guys, hows you all?

Don't feel much like making a video today, it's been a weird couple of days the last few days and I'm hoping that this isn't the start of a downhill slope into eventual....Something-ness.

Had a great time the last week just staying at my brother's whilst him, Gemma and the kids ventured off into the wilderness slash beachness known to locals and us lot in Leicestershire as "Skeg-Vegas." They had a great time, more than likely spent a load of money and now it's back to the grindstone of every day life.

Friday I had a girlie night in with my best friend in the whole world Sam. We cooked then ate pizza and had cinema style popcorn whilst we watched "Marley and Me" the film, excellent film and absolutely loved the dog, though as per usual with them types of films the ending made me cry, or at least well up.

Was that a sign of things to come? I normally get soppy over movies, especially "Titanic" that film gets me in my heart every time, but I'm just wondering now whether it was a sign that I'm really emotionally drained. Although I can't see why, nothing major has happened, well by nothing major I mean lots of small things like work issues and home issues you know stuff that can play on your mind without you actually knowing it?

Saturday was definitely a sign of how drained I am if nothing else but tired as well. I'm really ready for my holiday in September, I think I need it to prepare myself for the onslaught of having zero time off bar bank holidays after the 2ND of October comes and goes, that's it until I can start booking holidays next year. That should be around end of February/March time, I'm definitely looking forwards to it.

Moving back to my point, Saturday was draining, yesterday I knew I reached a point where I was seriously lacking something in my life - namely sleep. I'm not usually one to get tired, even if I wake up at 5:30am on Thursday's, Friday's and Saturday's, it's just not me, but the last few days staying at my brother's had really taken its toll on me and it showed.

As soon as I got up Saturday morning I was cleaning and preparing and what not for Tom and Gemma's come home day, I like to leave them with a nice clean house and unfortunately my girlie night in with Sam the night before had overrun so I had zero time Friday night to do what I wanted in time and still get sleep time.

It wasn't until around 4pm yesterday afternoon that it hit me, I was incredibly tired, like you wouldn't believe I was falling asleep where I sat at the checkout, even tho I was talking to customers and what not I was literally falling asleep, I even stood up to try and compensate myself, but I was still falling asleep, standing up can you believe it? I couldn't, so I asked for my break early and thankfully I got it.

Almost straight the way (bless Laura's heart) So I went and brought some caffeine pills known as "Pro Plus" it wasn't until after I'd taken them had a can of Redbull AND Cola, a chocolate boost bar three cigarettes that I realized:

1) You SHOULDN'T take them with other high caffeine products and/or:
1a) You should reduce the amount of tablets you take if your consuming high caffeine products.
2)You SHOULD not take them with BETA Blockers and/or:
2a) You should consult your Doctor or Pharmacist if you do. And finally:
3)You should not take them if you suffer with Anxiety as it can heighten Anxiety problems.

Safe to say I think I reacted to them rather well, I have anxiety issues and apart from some mild shaking I didn't react too badly. The BETA blockers I take - Propanalol (sp?) - didn't seem too interfered, the shaking which normally is controlled by the BETA blockers must have been cause by the interference from the caffeine pills so I wasn't too worried and the only other side effects were that I felt incredibly thirsty and felt like I was high on drugs or weed to be exact.

But hey it kept me awake and that was what I needed! I couldn't have driven home the way I was and god knows how I would have made it through the rest of the shift without them, safe to say that maybe the side effects were worth it, even for just that reason.

So you thought my day ended there? Nah it gets worse unfortunately. So after I went to pick up the remaining bits from Tom's house (even though I still forgot some discs I'd taken over with music on, d'oh!) I started to make my way back home oblivious as to what had been going on in my own home without me there.

Tom and Gemma had arrived back from Skeg-Vegas at some point and after doing a few things Gemma came over to do washing ( they have no washing machine at the moment) Tom was at home mowing the grass...

Apparently around 7 it must have been, Gemma took a cup of tea into my dad in the living room and his face had dropped and he couldn't speak, Gemma went tearing into my mum and said my dad couldn't speak, mum came tearing in and it had happened... She rang the emergency doctor (NOT 999 just to be clear) eventually as my dad is stubborn and after he started to come out of it he repeated that he DIDN'T want a doctor, but with a phone call from Tom, who apparently came straight over not long after. Mum made the phone call and the doctor arrived around 8pm and told us (or rather mum, Tom and Gemma) that dad looks to have had a mini stroke... Dad had a temperature too and the doctor reckoned he has a water infection... He was able to give him some antibiotics from his car to treat the infection, but my dad has to go straight to the doctor's tomorrow (Monday) morning and they're gonna refer him to the hospital for tests, presumably on his heart.

So today he's packing his suitcase just in case he has to stay in hospital...To be honest I don't know what I'm thinking or feeling right now or today for that matter. I'm numb and I think I may be suffering the after effects of being incredibly high on caffeine yesterday.

I've been in a weird slash bad mood since I woke up and I don't know why...I see that mums taking all this really hard and yet I'm unable to comfort her, not because I don't want to but because I don't think I know how...I cant even bring myself to be strong let alone be strong for every one else.

A part of me wants to run away, right now leave the house and not face my problems, but I know I cant do that, I cant just drop everything here and leave my family when they most need me. I think this may be the reason for my anger and self pity today, I'm worried but trying to be strong clashed with anger and self pity and a mix of what ifs crossing my mind.

I don't want to loose my dad and I love him so much...I know he's getting old now, but he's doing really well for a man his age, I don't want to think that this may be a warning, may be it was, may be we need to watch his diabetes's more or something else I don't know but it's hit this family hard.

Right now I'm feeling tearful and broken I guess, even though it's not fair for me to feel that way, I have to be strong, I have to be for mum and for dad...God I hope this year isn't the year for this... We can't loose you yet dad we still need you, I still need you, to prove who I am to you...

God help me...

Scary Stuff

BE WARNED THIS VIDEO CONTAINS SHOCKING IMAGES THAT SOME VIEWERS MAY FIND OFFENSIVE, IF YOU DO NOT LIKE SCARY MOVIES DO NOT WATCH THIS VIDEO, VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!!!!!!!

Short Disclaimer for anyone who cares: I DO NOT own the rights to any of the footage in this video apart from the bits with me in, neither do I own the soundtrack thank you very, very much and have a nice day!!!!! :D

Oh and enjoy the video.... ;)




The Abandoned Trailer:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BXXc2QdKyqc

Murdoch Madness

Gone Murdoch mad with a group of other Murdoch fans just recently, there's a group of us who've been creating some Murdoch tribute videos... Yes I was sad enough to make my own and actually I'm REALLY proud of it and MASSIVELY enjoyed getting back into the video making scene...Boy have I missed it!!!

Anyway below is my video it's linked up from Youtube and my account on Youtube, enjoy my little Murdoch fans =D :





Peace all love ya xxxxxxxxx


Currently Listening To: Well if you can't guess it.... lmao

Happy Birthday Ty

Happy Birthday to my little nephew angel I love you loads Ty xxxxx

Cat's Cold

Bunged up with cold bless me! Sorry but this video is VERY boring! You have been warned.......

Day 1

The day before the B Day! Not much to talk about kinda exhausted from the day I've had, major things going on today! Sorry it's a bit dreary, sorry for the smoking! And sorry I'm not really looking my best! Apart from that enjoy!! =)

Day 2

Here we go again, your nexct installment! =D Make sure you brew a lovely cuppa before watching this so you can drink along with moi! It'll be just like we're having tea and crumpets at your house lmao xxx

Day 3

Here it is! Getting closer to the B*Day! Enjoy this, not as fullfilling as the previous few days but heck it's 23 mins of meeeeeeee! lmao xxx

Day 4

The next installment! Sorry but the vodka really went to my head I'd been slurring my words all night! lmao

Day 5

A classic version of what I'm like when I'm REALLY in one of them silly moods! lmfao really I wasn't THAT tipsy just had a nip of vodka and it put me in a stunning mood!!!! Must remember to do that more often! lmao enjoy...techno Vulcan! ~cries laughing~

Day 6

Should I really be calling these video's day? More like NIGHT lmao enjoy xxx

Day 7

It start's....




You know technically it's day 6 cos it's past midnight but hey, I'm just so good I made time right! =p

Update!

Sorry the quality isn't too good xxxx

Climb Ev'ry Mountain

Hey all how's it goin'?


Started to make a video tonight but I'm way too tired to be messing about with it, it's been a looong day at work today. So here I am again writing this up, scoring one more brownie point for the ol' "write a new post" section.

It's been a hectic past few weeks really to say the least, one thing or another keeps happening to make this sail boat either sail smoothly or twist and turn in a horrible messy storm.

Got a few things on my mind right now, few things I wanna talk to someone about but I dunno who or even more importantly - how. The last little while, dad's not been his usual self, every day when I get home from work I'm updated with the events of what's been going on with 'dad' today.

Don't get me wrong I love my dad more than anything in the world, but when I hear people telling me - even when he tells me himself that he's getting forgetful, that he's feeling more and more down and drained and that he's worried about his health, his frame of mind...I cant help but try and block it out.

That's the trouble with me, whenever I get a problem or a problem occurs that could be really serious I block it out and force myself to believe and sometimes others that it's not happening. I don't want to think about the prospect that one day my dads gonna die - who does? But it's like every one's...I dunno I really don't. I need to talk with my brother.

To try and lift his spirit's a bit I've booked me and him a day out at the Nottingham Trent Arena to see "Walking With Dinosaurs". I know he watched the program on BBC one and Discovery when it was on and he really enjoyed it, the live action version with Live Science Dinosaurs that are actually LIFE size seemed a great pick me up, but I'm starting to wonder if he's really looking forward to it or whether he's just saying it to make me happy.

I'm gonna try and get round to see my brother tomorrow night after work, have a chat with him, see what he says....

I'm really looking forward to my holiday in September, can't wait to get away from everything, it'll be a fantastic experience I know that for sure. My brother's birthday is coming up on the 11th June, I know what I want to get him - Guitar Hero Drum Set for the PS3, but getting hold of it is another matter, it's impossible to get a hold of and like usual I have left it to the last minute.

Apart from all the downers of this post I'm feeling okay, stable, I'm learning new steps every day and I'm becoming my own person once again, I think I'll be glad when I have the results of this next blood test.

Once again my white blood cells were high, another blood test is scheduled for June 22nd and hurrah June 23rd I'm off to the hospital and I know their gonna do more blood tests - maybe for different reasons but they might pick up on it as well, who knows.

I just want answers, what's wrong with me, it's my body don't I have a right to know? Hmm...

Anyway I'm following that rainbow right now, looking for my dream, hoping after each hope that the second half of this year will be much better than the first.

On a lighter note you'll be happy to know I passed my "think 25" training today at work whooo nothing special but I thought I'd mention it.

I ask you keep my dad in your prayers - I really could do with some support somehow on that subject and that would be more than grateful.


Thanks guys - speak soon. Take care xxx



Currently Listening To: Climb Ev'ry Mountain

Hit Em Up Style

Hey guys!

Thought I'd write this one out cos there were a LOT of "erm's" in the video I made =p
Besides it's about time I used the "write a post" section on the blog site! Seems all I do is video's now!

Anyway onto business! Had an absolutely fantastic time at my bro's! Spent a lot of time just basically relaxing and chilling out, time for myself as you do. Although I'm not ashamed to admit I was lonely at times, going bed early and getting up early because I kept knocking my head on the bed above! (Yes I slept in the kid's room and occasionally woke up in the night, sat up and whacked my head on the bunk bed above!)

I think I spent more time at home than I do when I live here, made social calls and "brew" calls at silly o clock at night, mind you I think mum and dad were just glad to see me, she says they missed me a lot and I can imagine that's so.

I think in a way I'm there "baby" so when I'm gone it's like their missing an arm or a leg. But don't get me wrong, most of the time they enjoyed not having to put up with my mood swings, especially in the morning, I'm NOT a morning person god damnit! haha

Overall I had a really awesome time, it gave me a chance to think, these ten days I had booked off, really gave me a chance to think about things and come to some interesting conclusions about certain aspects of my life, I found myself sitting out in the garden watching the sun set and it was almost surreal. Amazing what a glass of Lambrini can do!

So yeah a good time was had by me, myself and I! And I also look forward to staying there again when they go away again with the kids at the end of August, so more time at said brother's house!

I've got a pretty busy day tomorrow, got the blood test to go and have see what's going on with the white blood cells. Got to go to a garage namely "Parkers" to get a new headlight lamp for me car. Then of course I have work in the afternoon - on that note the new uniform is going down rather well I prefer it to the last uniform by far.

I haven't really got much else to say apart from that, I've been catching up with a few people I haven't spoken to for a while about random things, and really I have to say there's been some rather interesting gossip flying around and well I'm not name dropping but yeah...Little pieces of the puzzle are all starting to come together, it's all rather amusing, starting to figure out all the whys and how's of it all and well it's strangely making a very big picture.

On a more depressing note, "that guy" is back in my head again. Saw him the last few days and it's been hard to say the least, being bullied really isn't fun. Again I cant go too much into it on here so I'll leave that at that.

Well that about covers my boring life so I'm gonna head to bed and get some rest before the blood test! Take care my fellow people, I'll catch up with you very soon!



Peace all take care! xxx




Currently Listening To - Son Of Man - Phil Collins

Breathe - I'll Be Back!

Hey peeps!

Just wanted to mention the bit where I'm holding up the blood test appointment card and the hospital letter - they looked really clear on the webcam screen when I was holding them up to the camera but they don't look so good now for some reason...Anyway you got the most important bits =D



BE GOOD! See you in a few days :) xxxx



love ya! xxx

I'm Raving, I'm Raving

"I'm Raving"

Good evening!!

Put on my raving shoes and I boarded a plane.
Touched down in the land where the skies were blue,
in the middle of the pouring rain.
Everybody was happy, energy shining down on me.
Yeeeah, I've got a first-class ticket been as good as a boy can be.

I'm raving, I'm raving.
I'm raving til' the sweat drops fall down off me.
I'm raving, I'm raving.
But do I really feel the way I feel?

Yess!!
C'mon!
YEEEEAH!!

Put on my raving shoes and I boarded a plane.
Touched down in the land where the skies were blue
in the middle of the pouring rain.
Everybody was happy, energy shining down on me.
Yeeeah, I've got a first class ticket been as good as a boy can be.

I'm raving, I'm raving.
I'm raving til' the sweat drops fall down off me.
I'm raving, I'm raving.
But do I really feel the way I feel?

Yess!!
Wicked!
Wicked!
WICKED!
Give it up now!
Give it up now!
Give it up now!
YEEEEAH!!

I'm raving, I'm raving.
I'm raving til' the sweat drops fall down off me.
I'm raving, I'm raving.
But do I really feel the way I feel?
But do I really feel the way I feel?

Thank you!!!


Take Care All xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

You Can Put The Blame On Me

My Angel

You’re my angel, sent from above
To guide me now, to fill me with love,
To give me pain, yes, and sorrow,
But then you take it away tomorrow!

I’m sorry I gave you memories full of tears,
Wish I could turn back those working gears,
I know you hurt, like I hurt too,
But together we can make it through!

If I should die before I wake,
I pray the Lord my soul to take,
My angel I want you to know,
How much I love you so.



Take care all xxxxxxxxxxx

The Good, The Bad And The Ugly

Have you ever asked yourself what bullying and intimidation truly is? I decided to look it up in the dictionary:


v. bul·lied, bul·ly·ing, bul·lies

1. To treat in an overbearing or intimidating manner. See Synonyms at intimidate.
2. To make (one's way) aggressively.


in·tim·i·date (n-tm-dt)
tr.v. in·tim·i·dat·ed, in·tim·i·dat·ing, in·tim·i·dates

1. To make timid; fill with fear.
2. To coerce or inhibit by or as if by threats.


Big up to dictionary.com for the result :)


I used to think it was the one person you were most afraid of doing something to you, you didn't like. But I see its more than that, just lately I've learnt the hard way. I cant go into too much detail, save to say it's happening to me right now.

Kind of feel like it's my two cents for a lot of things that I've probably done wrong lately. I'm not really sure how to explain how I feel right now, fear is a big issue and yeah I am feeling pretty down with it all. I don't like seeing anyone get bullied or intimidated let alone myself.

He does scare me, he does make me wonder what on earth he's going to do next, but I cant DO anything about it, not because I don't want to but because I guess I'm too scared of what he'll do if I did.

Right now I'm living in the shadow of him and I just am so lost...confused and afraid. I really don't know what I'm going to do or how its going to end but...is there a but?

I pray that somewhere out there I find the strength to overcome him, to rid myself of the constant drama that unfolds every time I see him, but I don't like my chances, with how I am right now he could push me into the deepest darkest pit and to hell I'd probably stay there.

Sorry for the morbid-ness of this post but at least I am (even the slightest step) closer to freedom by admitting (even somewhere) that I am being bullied and intimidated, maybe this is my first step towards freedom.


Take care all xxxxxx



Currently Listening To: Linkin Park - Leave Out All The Rest

I Can't Cry Hard Enough For You To Hear Me

Hey all hows it goin'?


Sorry for the lack of videoage just lately, I haven't really been in the mood for it. I think a lot of things are catching up with me, I've pushed all my feelings over this break up right down inside of me but it's starting to fight back.

I've been incredibly down the past few days, well week or so, why is it I can't do anything even go work without something reminding me of it? I see him everywhere I go, I think of him in the most unexpected ways, like I can be doing something totally unrelated but suddenly he'll pop into my head and it'll be a killer moment, you know those moments?

Their normally the ones where you think "oh man I wish so and so was here to see this." It's incredibly hard being broken hearted, a lot harder than I remember it being, I thought I'd be starting the healing process by now, but I seem to be stuck in this rut.

I think it's cos I haven't changed my holiday, next week would have been the week I got to see him, for the first time, I'd already booked the time off work and never changed it after we broke up so I have to take it. It's gonna be a really hard week, I think that might be the biggest thing that I'm thinking about right now.

I know over the next 14 days or so I'm going to be thinking of all the 'what ifs' and wondering how I made it all go wrong again. I think I've pretty much beaten myself into the ground over it all, rightly so though.

I went to the cinema last night to see that "17 Again" really good film and a good girly film, good for a laugh. But it's your typical romance story boy meets girl falls in love, gets married, things go wrong, girl gets rid of guy, guy wins girls heart back, happy ever after story. And of course all the sentimental moments had me tearing up at the moment of it.

I'm just finding it so damn hard right now, incredibly emotional over the littlest things, driving to work listening to some tunes even happy ones and I'm tearing up going over and over and over it in my head, what's wrong with me?

I wish I could just fade away, stop this 'just existing' existence. I just don't wanna be here anymore.

I should get ready for another day at work really, take care all xxx




Currently Listening To: Reflection - Christina Aguilera

Don't They Know It's The End Of The World?

I think at first I thought I was dreaming, I thought it wasn't happening, I'd finally found this perfect wonderful piece of happiness and fought for it for so long that I just couldn't believe it'd gone, that I'd lost it again, that I'd got into a relationship and been hurt all over again.

I've been burned before, and it hurt so bad. This was 100 times worse...This IS 100 times worse, I dunno what to think or to feel I'm so numb....

At the time I sobbed, I absolutely broke down, I got away from the PC as quick as I could and sobbed my heart out into my mums shoulder, my dad even shedding a tear or two at my pitiful display of complete broken heartedness, I was...and still am just existing. A shell with no life, washed up on the beech... the after math of some hell of a wave.

My life was perfect - days, weeks and hours even before hand, yet it all came crashing down around me again, I promised I wouldn't let myself get hurt again...But I did.

Work was hell the day after I couldn't even stay on a till for five minutes, my team leader whipped me into the customer toilets and grilled me about why I was so upset, where I again proceeded to blast out one hell of an emotional tantrum if you will. Anger, pain and god knows what. She told me I had to "get over it" the first day after and I'm supposed to "get over it" I don't think so.

I cried that night, in bed till my head hurt, I felt and still feel as though the bed I sleep in now is once again empty, before it felt safe - I got in and felt happy, like a part of me was alive again, now... Now its all gone.

Going sleep is simply sleeping, I cant explain it in to words, when you love someone SO much, you'd do anything, ANYTHING to hold on to it, when you know that person is the one, the one you want to give your heart to, the one you think is the most amazing, most wonderful loving person on the planet - when you think they feel the same and they don't... When even though they've stopped loving you, you still can't let go of loving them.

That's where I am right now. I just cant let go. And It's killing me.

I think one of the hardest parts has been explaining it to everyone else, everyone wants the gossip, I guess their attracted to the misery of someone else. It's like seeing a car crash on the road and slowing down to have a look. Why?!?

I think I've come to realise the past few days (now that this blog has been sat in my draft section for a week or so) that I don't think I ever will stop loving him. For him, this is as easy as it gets, he's free of the commitment, he doesn't want me and he's made that perfectly clear.

But that won't and can't stop me from feeling the way I do. I told him many a times that he had my heart, and now I realize how true that statement is. I prayed last night for the pain to end, but I know it won't short of some miracle. And now I know I don't want it to.

I'd rather suffer this pain every single day for the rest of my life, than to have not had those precious moments with him. His happiness is now and always was all that matters to me, this is what he wanted and no matter how much it hurts me I'll honour that and stay out of his life.


Take care all xxxx



Currently Listening To: I Will Remember You - Sarah McLachlan.

The New Tesco Captain Cat

So we're getting a new uniform at work. I wont be uploading pictures of my old uniform save to say it's blue checkered shirt with navy blue trousers and a navy blue jumper. It's boring and old and definately not something you want to be seen out in.

We can't wear our new uniform till the 11th May, gives time for any needed alterations to be made. Anyway please forgive me in some of the following pictures I really don't take pictures well :p



This is the red shirt, I got two red shirts as I like the fitting, feels really comfortable to wear, and has the "TESCO" name sown in to the shirt on the right side and on the left arm.



This is the red fleece we got an option like with shirts navy blue shirts or red shirts. With the jackets you get red or navy blue jackets and I opted for one of each, depending on how many days you work depended on how much stuff you got. I got the full whack because I work 5 days a week and work 32 hours a week.



You'll have to forgive that NONE of my clothes are actually ironed yet :p I only got them tuesday and they need washing yet, these are the trousers with handy pockets and places to hang keys ;)



This is the red polo shirt, got two red polo shirts cos their pretty nice to wear. Got one navy blue one too I'll show you that one shortly...



This is the blue polo shirt, same as the red just navy blue. Really nice to wear hopefully good to work in too. :)



This is the navy blue jacket I spoke about earlier, same as the red one really nice to wear and deffinately keeps you warm! :) This was taken with flash, so might look a bit naff :p





There we go just a few pics so y'all can just use your imagination with the rest. Take care all and mega big thanks for all the support on the videos I'll deffo be uploading more soon so just keep watching... :)

Black Friday

I made this poem a year ago.


Walk me to Calvary and hold me high, on a cross where I will die.
I have been here once before, I remember my body being thrown to the floor.
I was different then and I knew what to do, but now I know it really was all for you.
They lifted me high, on a cross of wood, where my hands dripped with endless blood.
I felt my body want to give way, when the Roman turned to run away.
He proclaimed me ‘The Son Of God’ but it was too late, My God had already set my Fate.
And as I died on the cross, I thought of all that would have been lost, if I had not died for you.
So now I return, many years on, stand in your streets, listen to your songs.
But I always visit the place where I died, reliving it one more time.
So walk me to Calvary and hold me high, on a cross where I will die.


xxxx

Out Of Reach

I must have listened to this song 500 times in the past few months...That's really all I can say about it right now.

Something Amusing

I've always been a massive fan of Are you being served? The British situation comedy, mom and dad watched it when I was young and I can't believe I've been on youtube so long and not looked up any episodes!

I can remember being madly in love with Mr Lucas, growing up it was puppy love of course but I needed to share it with you, I'm gonna put up three video in order of the episode from youtube, it's my fave episode of Are you being served? :)

Are you being served? The Father Christmas affair: Part One:



Part two (My fave part mostly the song at 6:30 with Mr Lucas):



Part three (a bit distorted):




Bionic Grainger! :D

Something Special

Just wanted to share with you a favorite song of mine, has a special meaning to me.



Stars were falling deep in the darkness
as prayers rose softly, petals at dawn
And as I listened, your voice seemed so clear
so calmly you were calling your god

Somewhere the sun rose, o'er dunes in the desert
such was the stillness, I ne'er felt before
Was this the question, pulling, pulling, pulling you
in your heart, in your soul, did you find peace there?

Elsewhere a snowfall, the first in the winter
covered the ground as the bells filled the air
You in your robes sang, calling, calling, calling him
in your heart, in your soul, did you find peace there?
in your heart, in your soul, did you find peace there?


-Loreena McKennitt - Full Circle

Because The Night

Hey all, hows it going?


So I've had this nagging urge to get on here and talk about my night out last night before it goes out of my head. Especially with working 10 hours today and being in tomorrow - it'll definitely go out my head.


So I've known Sam since like high school, of all the people and friends that I knew and made at my high school, me and Sam hit it off straight the way. It's actually fun to look back and think the reason we became friends was because we got seated next to each other in a maths lesson - both of us being rubbish at it. Hard to imagine that that one day back then would lead us to today, we still laugh about the various maths lessons together today.


So last night was typical of any of my nights out with Sam, we always seem to end up going on a Friday night, I work till 6pm and we normally meet at 7pm. So I rushed out of work - well I say rushed, first of all I got stuck on my till as every person in Loughborough and the surrounding areas decided that 5pm would be the perfect time to come shopping!


It didn't matter that I'd been sat there doing nothing 4 hours before hand. Had to tell a rather rude woman that I was closing when she proceeded to have a go at me, before impolitely walking off before I had a chance to explain. Fair enough, I only had one thing to say anyway, "Been here since 9:30am love if your that desperate to come to me."


Anyway, finally made it off the till and headed straight out and in to my worst nightmare, road traffic hell, one of the main roads that leads down the road into Tesco is closed in one direction for Gas works or something. So they're digging it all up, which means all the traffic is diverted to the right through the side roads.


Now baring in mind I'm already late getting off me till, be the time I actually make it to a position where I'm using third gear, it's around 6:30 - I need to be around hers for 6:45 to get there on time - takes me 20 mins to get home - normally. *Big grin* So I made it home, got changed and was on my way to hers by 6:50pm because I'm just awesome like that.


Yes it probably did involve driving past said speed limit, but its not like I do it all the time. (On a plus note car's much better now after the breaks locking incident that scared the hell out of me Monday, dad's let some pressure out of the tires and it seems to have helped, though I'm still fighting with the stereo which I'll talk about in a bit maybe :p)


Finally got to Sam's and had just enough time to nip in and meet her fiance Gaz and say hello to her dad and Pian (sp?) who I haven't seen for god knows how long - probably since we went to L.A. in 2004.


First off let me say Congrats to Sam and Gaz on getting engaged. First time that I'd met Gaz last night and he seemed like an awesome guy - someone I can really see Sam loving, definitely the type of guy I thought she'd end up with, though that thought has nothing to do with the fact we both had our palms read three times in San Diego. :p


So after brief introductions we left and dived in the car to go the 3 miles up the road to the entertain park. When I say "entertainment park" I don't mean roller coasters and what not I just really cant think of any other way to describe it. (If you haven't been there then where the hell do you go of an awesome evening??)


The "Meridian" As its known to us Leicestershirians, is like an entertainment park (consists of a bowling alley place, Vue - the cinema, is it "Cheetoes" Or something like that - a bar and food place, Frankie and Benny's - Italian food restaurant, Ball Pit place (which I cant remember the name of but have taken the nephew and niece there before), LA fitness centre, Pizza Hut and a few others I know I'm missing.


I mentioned to Sam she must have brought luck our way as on the way in we came across a car park space in the middle of all the hell, like that *clicks fingers* (If I'd been continuing my lucky streak (heh) since trying to leave work, we'd still be looking for a space now :p)


So we headed off to Frankie and Benny's first for dinner. I hadn't been there before, it was a really nice place, not hugeish enough for me though, seemed like everyone was crammed in, with all the business they were doing you'd think they'd extended it. Meh. So we'd pre-booked a table and were politely shown to our seat where we were offered a garlic bread pizza thing as an appetiser whilst we glanced at the appropriately over sized menu which had me laughing before the ordering.


we were offered a drink, both of us thought about an alcoholic drink but both decided on a coke, since I was driving and all, didn't want to end up plowing my car drunk driving. So started our evening and I finally sat back in the seat and sighed heavily, thankful that we'd both made it this time, that we were relaxing and chilling out, with everything that was going on just lately we both needed it. I've been stressed out with work, Sam with her own personal things (wont go into too much detail since I don't have her permission to :) )


I'd asked her about Gaz about the personal stuff going on, she told me about her trip to London and how relaxing it was with Gaz and how it helped her get away from it all. I mentioned it sounded awesome and we laughed and chatted about things that had been going on, from work to silly stuff, about her wedding plans, where she sees it going down, big or little wedding and she made me reiterate that I would have to be there so I'll say it again :p


I'LL BE THERE!!!!!! :p


So then the moment came, the perfect moment I thought, to break the news. I haven't really talked about Dave and myself on here, and how that all came to be. Not because I don't want to just because I never felt like I needed to, Dave's a part of my life, the best part of my life and I don't want to write him down like a novel in some best selling porn novel somewhere. Either way the time had come to tell my best friend that I was in a relationship. And it wasn't just like saying "Oh yeah and by the way I'm having a relationship with someone we should double date next week!!!!!!!!!!!!"


I didn't know how to broach the subject, I was dying to, dying to scream my lungs out about him, so when the conversation turned silent for the moment, the food arrived and I totally forgot about it.


Now Sam ordered the chicken pasta (was it with pesto?) Big hugeish bowl filled with pasta and big chunky chicken pieces. Yes I ordered a cheeseburger, decided to stick with something I knew, since I hadn't been there before, I wasn't too sure how I'd react to the food, thankfully as of this morning I have reacted well to it.


Both of our dishes came well presented, looked absolutely delicious and to be honest tasted the same! So we tucked into our meal, drifting from subject to subject, mostly how we've been lately, we were (or should I say I was) laughing harshly at the birthday music and the lights dimming from time to time as the events going on around us took place.


So as we were on the subject of relationships and I had just finished my meal, I donned the fork on the plate and just blurted it out. "So I'm in a relationship" How perfect did that sound? :p I felt like an idiot for putting it that way once I said it, what I really should have said was "I think I'm finally happy"


I think Sam knows what's been going through my head more than I do growing up, though shes had her own problems shes always been able to read my like book. She knows when I'm happy, when I'm sad and most importantly to keep nagging at me till I spill the beans which I suck at doing.


So you know what, I just said, just came out with it in one long incredibly unbrokensentencemovingfromtopictotopicsothatnoonehadthechancetointeruptitwasreallyquitehypnotic...
Lol anyway at first I blurted it all out, hoping that would be the best way, staring down at my plate moving the fork around wondering if she though I was crazy for going for it. Telling her about Dave and what he meant to me and how good he is to me e.c.t...


She was (I think) shocked at first, but then happy, I felt relaxed to talk about him to her and promised I'd send her (which I have done) a gorgeous photo of him in the email. :) It went better than expected, though could have gone down better if I'd actually thought about what I wanted to tell her before I'd said it.


So anyway I'm waffling :p speaking of waffles PANCAKE DAY ON TUESDAY WOOP WOOP! Totally off subject but thought I'd mention it :p


Anyway we talked about that, sat and gossiped for a long while and then was ready to order dessert. Sam had the warm chocolate brownies with cream, I decided on a toffee sundae which absolutely fantastic! Layers of toffee ice cream and cream. Oh yeah and it had brown balls in! This had the pair of us laughing hysterically as when it arrived I pulled out what could only be a "malteaser" from the centre :p


The desserts were awesome, a real treat and the perfect end to the perfect meal. Unlike some restaurants I've been to, I didn't feel like I was going to be sick at the end of the meal. Like you've ate too much and you just wanna burst. I really enjoyed it and like I said to Sam, having the meal before hand gives us a chance to have a chat and gossip about everything and anything as we cant really do that when we're in the cinema.


Awesomely enough it wasn't too expensive either, we ended up paying £32.86 I think it was for the whole meal. Expensive enough at just over £15 a head, but not over the top. So we chatted for a bit before looking at the time - 20:50pm - I suggested if we left now then we'd make a 9pm viewing at the cinema....HA I knew my bad luck wasn't quite through for the day.


Apart from going out wearing a flimsy shirt and cardigan and being absolutely stone cold standing outside whilst Sam went inside to check what was on at the cinema whilst I finished my fag. The only half decent film starting at 9pm was "Push" and neither of us wanted to hang about outside for 45 mins for "Bloody Valentine" to start.


So we decided to go for it, I'd thought I'd seen the trailers for the film and I really didn't remember it being quite the experience it was when we actually watched it. We grabbed a bucket of popcorn and medium coke between us (as we do usually) and made our way in - slightly delayed...


So we sat and watched the 1001 pointless adverts for half an hour until the film actually started at just gone 9:30. I was looking forward to watching the film, I'd sworn it was a horror film though before going in, maybe I'm thinking of something else? Anyway, "Push" starred Djimon Hounsou, Dakota Fanning, Camilla Belle, Neil Jackson and Chris Evans.


Basically (from what I gathered) the films about these people who have extra special abilities. People who were being tested on during the Second World War. The Germans were trying to create super soldiers, using telepathic abilities to help them win the war. They were secretly testing people for something or other and then those people with special abilities were injected with a drug that would enhance their abilities greatly - if they could survive the drug injection. Kira Hudson (Camilla Belle) gets injected, but then escapes the "division" as they call it where she's being held and the film kicks off with the plot basically being about the "division leaders" needing to recapture the girl (and the drug she stole in the process.)


So you introduce Cassie Holmes (Dakota Fanning) whose basically telling us the story. We're told at the beginning there are all sort of different people, from "movers" to "pushers" and Division leaders who control the "movers" and "Pushers" who are actually "movers" and "pushers" themselves.

I wont go into too much detail, don't really wanna turn this into a spoiler alert, so sufficed to say I did enjoy the film once I'd settled down in the cinema seat and started actually watching it. Although the actors played their parts fair enough I couldn't help but sit there and literally think of them acting this film out. The roles seemed put on and I really don't think they cast the film very well.

Maybe it was a low budget movie but I'd still have preferred to see Samuel. L. Jackson as the lead bad guy and possibly someone like Keanue Reeves or Brad Pitt as the lead main good guy. It would have made it so much more realistic. The show felt plastic and though the special effects had gift, they lacked a certain something extra that we're used to in most films these days.

Overall I'd give it a sturdy 7 cat stars out of ten, this film is a rent only, seriously don't waste good money on buying it.

So after the film we left feeling rather grunted and tired, it was around 11:30pm and we made a dash through the cold night air and the massive car park to the car and dived in blasting the heater, listening to some tunes and trying to sort out when we can meet up again.

Overall it was an awesome day, really enjoyed it. I don't get to see her very often so when we do get together we seem to make an awesome night of it. We'll definitely be doing it again next month :D Watch this space...



Peace all take care, love ya xxxxxxxxxxx



Currently listening to: Because The Night - Cascada

Note To Self

My life is perfect :)


Really contradicts my last post, but what the hell it needed to be said, I couldn't be happier right now :D


Peace all love ya xxxxxx




Currently Listening To : Counting Crows - Accidentally In Love

Picking Up The Pieces

Hey all hows it goin?

This is gonna be dark you may want to skip this blog entry.

Do you ever feel like your standing on the edge of forever and the only thing that's holding you from falling into eternal darkness is slowly loosing its grip?

I've pressed how much my life sucks before, but tonight I just want to cry. I'm not gonna wail about it all because my life doesn't suck, I'm the happiest god damn person in the whole world. Or that's what everyone tells me I should be. Who has the right to judge other peoples reactions, when their reactions are being judged themselves?

I dunno if this is just a woman thing, or if I'm trying to understand something that's not be written yet. I can cry a river but who the hell gives a toss, I'm not allowed to be sad, I cant stand that. People who tell me I should smile and look on the bright side of life all the time. I have a right to cry as human being, if god didn't want us to cry he wouldn't have given us feelings to be broken.

People take advantage of me in that respect, I get walked over and that's understandable really, seeing as I'm an easy target for it - they know I wont stand up for myself I wont fight back; I'm the girl in the corner at the night club whose watching the world go by.

Sometimes I get sick of crying, sometimes I agree that I should look on the bright side and smile, those are the times when I'm upset over nothing, spilt milk. But then other times... god I feel like I'm stood in a room with a million people screaming my lungs out and nobody cares, not one person looks over and why should they? I'm a self centred girl and I know it, I don't deserve what I do have and I do deserve less sometimes.

There are nights...I could just float away, I piss people off and get on peoples nerves a lot and after a while you start to wonder why, when you haven't even said anything. Yet people around me in fact almost everyone I know will hate you forever if you put your foot wrong once, one woman once said to me "Darlin', your face doesn't fit." and she was right it doesn't, it wont ever because I'm different, I have feelings that have been broken and cant be repaired.

A lot of people look at me just recently with wonder, a lot of the reactions to them finding out I had a guy for instance were "oh" and "wow YOU have a guy." Why don't you just tell it to my face, I'm a big girl in more ways than one, I can see that your missing the word "Impossible" off the end of that sentence.

I've got so much pent up inside of me right now, so much horrible anger filled angst, do you ever hate yourself so much that you wish someone would wake you up and tell you your dreaming you really are this wonderful person with a gorgeous body and personality to match? All these dumb blonde bimbos with fantastic personalities and everything else, all these smart ass gorgeous brunettes with brains and smarts to match, all these red heads and dare devils who've got the world in their hands, these amazingly wonderful people who will make your heart weep with how wonderful they are...

How can I ever compare to that?

I can't... and damn me for being so foolish as to think I was worth the time of any living being with enough sense to get as far away from me as possible.

Tonight I'm picking up the pieces of my broken self and taping them back together as I do time and time again, wondering when/how I'll be broken again. p>

Peace all take care xxx

Currently Listening To: Coldplay - Fix You.