Hey all, how's it goin? Hope you had a good Christmas!
Felt in the mood for posting on here tonight, being as I finally have the time to sit down and jot down what's going through my head right now. As for "The Tape" series that I'd started in my previous post, it's going to have to be side lined till I'm just less...stressed?
It's been a hectic December, though I expected as much, working retail and working for the largest supermarket in the UK has its disadvantages. I'm tired, really tired and at the moment flu'd up to my eyes balls with a cold. I'm struggling to find the will at the moment.
I'd say since I last really posted how I was feeling, I've had some major ups and downs, but I feel like a part of me is finally settling down, thanks to my wonderful guy Dave. He owns a part of me I'd forgotten...I didn't think I could get back. He's like my rock, he keeps me going, keeps me strong, for this there aren't enough words to show me devotion to him - my gratitude.
Work's okay I guess, ups and downs mostly ups. We keep going from majorly busy to deadly silent, Saturday night was the most quiet I've seen it in months! By the time it was time to go home the shop was dead, I felt sorry for the others that were there till 10pm and later, it was almost completely empty.
I'm worried about a few things personally at the moment, one of the major things being that I'm starting to think the beta blockers I take for my nerves are starting to wear off, or my body is becoming adjusted to them. I take them for several reasons but the most important one being that I suffer with nerves, I remember before I took them, feeling physically sick one morning when my brother and I and his girlfriend at the time were going on holiday to Skeggy. I was ILL, my nerves were absolutely shot - this was one of the worst experiences that I've had with my nerves, the other more poignant memory was the day I took my driving test.
I can imagine that stress has eaten away at me, yet to be honest I don't really have THAT much to make me THAT bad. I remember after the holiday nightmare morning, coming home after the holiday and knowing my plight to find a cure for this nervousness sent me to the Internet.
I wanted answers. Plain and simple, so I remember searching on and off for days about reasons why this would happen, signs - coming up with diseases such as Parkinson's, getting myself wound up thinking something was wrong with me. Mum kept pestering me to go doctors, I'm not a fan of doctors, I seem to end up visiting the hospital after my doctors appointments, so to say I was reluctant to go would be saying it in the most gentle way.
Eventually I found a self help guide on the Internet - which to be honest I DID follow for as long as I could until I realized it just WASN'T working, I'd find myself in the shakes badly, I remember just before I started working for Tesco in June 2006 was when I FINALLY caved in and went doctors.
Mum booked me an appointment for the afternoon and I went, reluctantly, thinking she wouldn't help me. Doctors seem to rather want to push me away and tell me to get on with it than help me. But maybe I'm biased, I spent most of my childhood in the hospital for one reason or another, so I learnt to hate them with a passion.
After visiting the doctors she'd actually supplied me with a drug, beta blockers and to save you going on the net to find out what they are and what they do I have copied it from Wiki:
"Beta blockers (sometimes written as β-blocker) are a class of drugs used for various indications, but particularly for the management of cardiac arrhythmias, cardioprotection after myocardial infarction (heart attack), and hypertension."
So here's this wonder drug in my hands that I've been using for the past two years and so far I've had no problem, well save for the time when I took cold and flu tablets. Apparently you cant take cold and flu tablets with them as they counter-act each other, I'd had some serious dizzy spells for the past few days before hand, thought it was the cold I'd had at the time went to buy more cold and flu tablets from the chemist and the pharmacist wouldn't give them to me as I'd told him I was taking beta blockers. Apparently beta blockers lower your heart rate, where cold and flu tablets tend have the opposite effect, increasing your heart rate which is why I felt bad. But anyway...
So yesterday I had an "episode" in the morning, haven't told my mum or dad or anyone to be honest about it. I woke up -later- and was getting ready to go out to Tesco pick up some discs that I wanted. My hands were trembling, I felt bad, it was terrible, haven't had one panic attack like that for a long time. Took the beta blocker asap, can't be doing with being in the middle of a panic attack whilst driving and normally they take what 15 mins to an hour to start working... I felt bad STILL last night, before I went bed, it wasn't as bad but I could feel my hands shaking, it was all pent up inside the beta blockers had took the edge off but now I'm sat here worrying that their starting to wear off. That my body is becoming adjusted to the drug and I'm going to have to go see if I can get a stronger version.
Wow have I really rambled on about that for the past half an hour? Hmm...Damn.
As we draw to an end of 2008 I'm sat here wishing I could make things better/different for me, for Dave for my family for his family for everyone...make world peace, end hunger you know the usual day to day stuff? Lol. But I don't foresee myself winning the lottery any time soon so I'm gonna have to make do...
I was thinking back on a few things that had happened this year, wondering what note to leave myself for next year... A few things came to mind, things that I regret, things that I wish I could do over, choices I made the things I said...the things I didn't, people I've lost, friends I've gained.
I see random people I haven't seen for a so long now and one guy in particular sticks in my head. Normally see him when I'm working self serve and saw him Saturday morning, old chap (wont mention his name for privacy reasons) came over to self serve and I used to know him from when he worked for Tesco with us on the checkouts. Was on about how this was his first Christmas without his wife and how all his family had up and gone and he'd spent most of his time alone... I could see the pain in his eyes, it made me hurt just thinking about it.
If I didn't have Dave how would I feel, how lucky am I that even though we're so far apart I at least got to speak and see him this Christmas, some people, like him won't see his wife again at Christmas.
New Year's Eve is when stuff like this hits me, you may or may not get a post from me New Year's Eve, I end up feeling the sting of the years events mostly then and though this year has had its downs my life was dramatically changed for the better.
I've have this wonderful guy, who makes me feel so...alive and free and loved and special and a million other things, I'm thankful for him this year, without him I'd probably be just a dead Cat spending another year inside her dead world this New Year's Eve.
Anyway, think I'm gonna cut this one off, slipping into a reflective loved up mood which I'm sure you don't wanna hear me go on about.
Happy New Year all! xxxxxxxxxxxx
Currently Listening To: http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=BTMwMIUgpk4&feature=channel_page
"Was that seat hot or what? I feel like a Whopper. Turn me over, I'm done on this side. I'm afraid to look at my ass. There'll be griddle marks." -Del (Planes, Trains & Automobiles - John Candy) My name is Captain Cat Sparrow and welcome to my blog...
Monday, 29 December 2008
Thursday, 4 December 2008
The Tape Part One
Hey all hows it goin?
Okay this is mainly for Sam - seeings as I promised her I'd burn the tape to disc but never did (sorry about that) and now I can't cos the software on the laptop hates me. lol. Anyway, this is me transcribing (if you will) the tape onto here, wont get it all done tonight because its quite long - lol - But that's why I put "Part One" in said title.
Anyway without further adieu here it is Sam and Cat L.A 2004 -:
******
[Cut to quick 4 seconds of Sam doing something in our hotel room at the Biltmore Hotel in LA]
Sam: {Smiling}
Cat: "Huh?"
***
[Cut to North Hollywood,Ventura Boulevard outside where Sam went for the acting thingy, still think she rocked at it! ;) ]
Sam: {Smoking a Cig, looking quite lovely}
Cat: {Behind the cam speaking} "This is Ventura Boulevard, North Hollywood..." {Pans around to look at cars passing aimlessly} "...Beautiful Scenery..." {close up of random car, some guy randomly whistling in the background...weirdo, pan back to Sam} "Sam Just come back from her acting career..."
Sam: "And it's about 37 degrees!"
Cat "Which she's gonna get!"
Sam: {Nodding proudly} "Hopefully."
Cat: {Panning up to palm tree's} "Nice palm tree's...." {sound of doorbell to shop door opening in the background, pan down to Sam} "Close up on Sam!" (I was obsessed with pushing the wrong buttons for the zoom on that cam!)
Sam: "Noooooooo!"
Cat: {Pans pans around again} (pretty much sure I swore at some point in the panning, sounded like "Oh sh*t" oh deary me!) {Puts camera down and cut that section}
****
[Cut to Sam now holding the camera, watching the cars go by for a moment, can hear what sounds like us nattering in the background but I'm pretty sure there was someone else around at the time so it could have been them. Sam insanely hovers over a big sign off in the distance which reads "BAGEL" then underneath, half the word hidden behind a street sign the word "DISCOUNTS!" Sam...Bagel fetish...you never told me! Anyway...Panning around and around, looking at cars passing over the BIG "Open" sign in the Cafe window, to MOI!}
Cat: {Waving with cig in other hand} "Hiiiiiiiii! I'm f**king boiling!" (Yes I swore, it was hot - sue me!)
Sam: {laughing and tutting} "You shouldn't swear Catherine!" {Sam pans back to look at more cars passing... (ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE ROAD ARGHHHHHHHHH... Sorry...*coughs* Moving on...) Panning back to me, waving with one hand again}
[Cut that scene and move to a new scene, Universal Studios]
*****
Think I'm gonna cut this off here, the "Universal Studios" bit is quite long and I need to get ready for work tomorrow.
I'll hopefully put part two up at some point over the weekend, so enjoying looking back at it.
Peace all love ya xxx
Currently Listening to: Cascades - Rhythm Of The Falling Rain
Okay this is mainly for Sam - seeings as I promised her I'd burn the tape to disc but never did (sorry about that) and now I can't cos the software on the laptop hates me. lol. Anyway, this is me transcribing (if you will) the tape onto here, wont get it all done tonight because its quite long - lol - But that's why I put "Part One" in said title.
Anyway without further adieu here it is Sam and Cat L.A 2004 -:
******
[Cut to quick 4 seconds of Sam doing something in our hotel room at the Biltmore Hotel in LA]
Sam: {Smiling}
Cat: "Huh?"
***
[Cut to North Hollywood,Ventura Boulevard outside where Sam went for the acting thingy, still think she rocked at it! ;) ]
Sam: {Smoking a Cig, looking quite lovely}
Cat: {Behind the cam speaking} "This is Ventura Boulevard, North Hollywood..." {Pans around to look at cars passing aimlessly} "...Beautiful Scenery..." {close up of random car, some guy randomly whistling in the background...weirdo, pan back to Sam} "Sam Just come back from her acting career..."
Sam: "And it's about 37 degrees!"
Cat "Which she's gonna get!"
Sam: {Nodding proudly} "Hopefully."
Cat: {Panning up to palm tree's} "Nice palm tree's...." {sound of doorbell to shop door opening in the background, pan down to Sam} "Close up on Sam!" (I was obsessed with pushing the wrong buttons for the zoom on that cam!)
Sam: "Noooooooo!"
Cat: {Pans pans around again} (pretty much sure I swore at some point in the panning, sounded like "Oh sh*t" oh deary me!) {Puts camera down and cut that section}
****
[Cut to Sam now holding the camera, watching the cars go by for a moment, can hear what sounds like us nattering in the background but I'm pretty sure there was someone else around at the time so it could have been them. Sam insanely hovers over a big sign off in the distance which reads "BAGEL" then underneath, half the word hidden behind a street sign the word "DISCOUNTS!" Sam...Bagel fetish...you never told me! Anyway...Panning around and around, looking at cars passing over the BIG "Open" sign in the Cafe window, to MOI!}
Cat: {Waving with cig in other hand} "Hiiiiiiiii! I'm f**king boiling!" (Yes I swore, it was hot - sue me!)
Sam: {laughing and tutting} "You shouldn't swear Catherine!" {Sam pans back to look at more cars passing... (ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE ROAD ARGHHHHHHHHH... Sorry...*coughs* Moving on...) Panning back to me, waving with one hand again}
[Cut that scene and move to a new scene, Universal Studios]
*****
Think I'm gonna cut this off here, the "Universal Studios" bit is quite long and I need to get ready for work tomorrow.
I'll hopefully put part two up at some point over the weekend, so enjoying looking back at it.
Peace all love ya xxx
Currently Listening to: Cascades - Rhythm Of The Falling Rain
Wednesday, 26 November 2008
Lost
"Here I am, stood on the rooftop looking over the skyline of the city, feeling the breeze around my shoulders."
Feel like I'm in a world of my own right now, with everything that's happened over the last few days. A part of me feels relief, happy that I can finally be me without worrying about the consequences as the consequences are already here.
"I stare out into the darkness, with only twinkling lights from various building guiding my view."
I've often thought about my life in various ways, wondering if all this pent up frustration and anger I have for myself is back from the school days of being bullied and fighting to keep my friends that I did have.
A lot of my friends reckon that high school was what really prepares you for life, I went to a catholic school - completely separated from the bullies of primary school. I was prepared for the worst and for the first few years I got more or less bullied by various people, used and spat out. I skived quite a bit, faking illness or just not showing up. It was easier, easier than going there, but at least I was prepared, my friends or at least some of them hadn't experienced the bullying issue or the need to defend yourself from anyone yet, I don't really think they ever did until they went out into the real world.
"The breeze around my shoulders, drifting through my hair, filling my heart with sorrow, drowning me in my thoughts."
I'm quiet, or so my profile box says and to be honest its true, I clam up and push away everything. The last few days moms been nagging at me to tell her whats going on, I came home from work in tears Tuesday night and that set the ball rolling. She was on a mission to find out why I was upset and she didn't stop till this morning and I finally broke.
I didn't tell her the whole charade I'd told her only what was wrong with me, more or less went like this:
Me: "[talking about what needed to be done today] Yeah I'll get it whilst I'm there."
Mum: "...Cat what's wrong, please talk to me."
Me: "Nothing mum it doesn't matter..."
Mum: "You can talk to me Cat, is it something to do with..."
Me: "[Cut her off] Yeah."
Mum: "What happened?"
Me: "We had an argument."
Mum: "What about?"
Me: "Please don't make me talk about it..."
[Later today in the kitchen]
Mum: "So what were you arguing about?"
Me: "[long pause]"
Mum: "Cat?"
Me: "Just stupid things."
Mum: "Is there someone else? It's hard over dis..."
Me: "[Cut her off sharply] No mum, its not that."
Mum: "So what?"
Me: "It's nothing to do with that...Its not even his fault, I let him down, I betrayed his trust, its my fault."
Mum: "Oh Cat..."
The look she gave me was it, I was in tears, I'd broken her heart just as much as I'd broken his. The door bell rang and I knew it was gonna be someone from the council so I quickly dried up and carried on, I couldn't cry in front of them or anyone really, I've pushed it down inside of me, buried it, burying my feelings.
I'm lying in bed at night thinking about it, its going over and over in my head, but in amongst all the pain, I know I've done the right thing, I could have left it but I didn't, I could have walked away but I didn't, I put right my mistake and went back to face the consequences.
"I stretch open my arms feeling the breeze beneath me, almost lifting me into its arms and carrying me away with it."
Right now I'm lost and I'm scared and I'm very much alone. I cant think past each second, I can only see right now and right now makes me feel down and upset, but that's guilt for you. Guilty as charged.
I've got so much to say, but the words aren't coming to me right now so I may come back and edit this at a later stage, right now I'm tired and cold and really need to think about getting ready for work tomorrow.
Much love to my mate and her grandma, hope she gets better babes xxx
Peace all, take care xxxxxxxxxx
Currently Listening To: R Kelly Gotham City
"And the breeze left as soon as it came, taking with it my heart and soul, lost in eternity forever."
Feel like I'm in a world of my own right now, with everything that's happened over the last few days. A part of me feels relief, happy that I can finally be me without worrying about the consequences as the consequences are already here.
"I stare out into the darkness, with only twinkling lights from various building guiding my view."
I've often thought about my life in various ways, wondering if all this pent up frustration and anger I have for myself is back from the school days of being bullied and fighting to keep my friends that I did have.
A lot of my friends reckon that high school was what really prepares you for life, I went to a catholic school - completely separated from the bullies of primary school. I was prepared for the worst and for the first few years I got more or less bullied by various people, used and spat out. I skived quite a bit, faking illness or just not showing up. It was easier, easier than going there, but at least I was prepared, my friends or at least some of them hadn't experienced the bullying issue or the need to defend yourself from anyone yet, I don't really think they ever did until they went out into the real world.
"The breeze around my shoulders, drifting through my hair, filling my heart with sorrow, drowning me in my thoughts."
I'm quiet, or so my profile box says and to be honest its true, I clam up and push away everything. The last few days moms been nagging at me to tell her whats going on, I came home from work in tears Tuesday night and that set the ball rolling. She was on a mission to find out why I was upset and she didn't stop till this morning and I finally broke.
I didn't tell her the whole charade I'd told her only what was wrong with me, more or less went like this:
Me: "[talking about what needed to be done today] Yeah I'll get it whilst I'm there."
Mum: "...Cat what's wrong, please talk to me."
Me: "Nothing mum it doesn't matter..."
Mum: "You can talk to me Cat, is it something to do with..."
Me: "[Cut her off] Yeah."
Mum: "What happened?"
Me: "We had an argument."
Mum: "What about?"
Me: "Please don't make me talk about it..."
[Later today in the kitchen]
Mum: "So what were you arguing about?"
Me: "[long pause]"
Mum: "Cat?"
Me: "Just stupid things."
Mum: "Is there someone else? It's hard over dis..."
Me: "[Cut her off sharply] No mum, its not that."
Mum: "So what?"
Me: "It's nothing to do with that...Its not even his fault, I let him down, I betrayed his trust, its my fault."
Mum: "Oh Cat..."
The look she gave me was it, I was in tears, I'd broken her heart just as much as I'd broken his. The door bell rang and I knew it was gonna be someone from the council so I quickly dried up and carried on, I couldn't cry in front of them or anyone really, I've pushed it down inside of me, buried it, burying my feelings.
I'm lying in bed at night thinking about it, its going over and over in my head, but in amongst all the pain, I know I've done the right thing, I could have left it but I didn't, I could have walked away but I didn't, I put right my mistake and went back to face the consequences.
"I stretch open my arms feeling the breeze beneath me, almost lifting me into its arms and carrying me away with it."
Right now I'm lost and I'm scared and I'm very much alone. I cant think past each second, I can only see right now and right now makes me feel down and upset, but that's guilt for you. Guilty as charged.
I've got so much to say, but the words aren't coming to me right now so I may come back and edit this at a later stage, right now I'm tired and cold and really need to think about getting ready for work tomorrow.
Much love to my mate and her grandma, hope she gets better babes xxx
Peace all, take care xxxxxxxxxx
Currently Listening To: R Kelly Gotham City
"And the breeze left as soon as it came, taking with it my heart and soul, lost in eternity forever."
Wednesday, 19 November 2008
Just A Quickie...
Hey all, hows it goin?
Heard some bad news tonight, someone I'd worked with in the factory after I left school for 4 years died last week. It drove me to this blog to write...But now I'm here I'm not sure what to write. I wasn't immensely close to her, yet her death or the death of anyone I know personally seems to have an effect on me, sets the mood I'm going to be in for the rest of the evening.
I hung with her daughter for a bit whilst she worked with us, though her name escapes me to this day. Its been a while since I really thought about how every ones doing back there, I've been so bitter about the backstabbers I left behind that I didn't stop to think how the people I did care about were doing.
My friend rang my mum and said she'd saw her in the street a few times, but hadn't stopped too busy to have a real chat and now she's feeling bad. I guess that's how I feel too, we're all so busy with our day to day lives that we rarely have a chance to stop and just take note.
I knew her well enough to understand that she was a caring and warm loving person and that she didn't deserve to go. Sudden deaths always scare me, make me wonder whose next on the cards.
I guess I just needed to write something, anything about that news. We all need something to hold on to, we all need to feel and hope that the next person to go doesn't suffer and we understand that our lives are mere steps in a wonderful journey.
Wherever she might be now, I dedicate this video to her and the words that ring so true to my heart, this song has meaning for me in more ways than I think anyone will understand but for now and forever I hope this reaches her family and will help us all in some way to move on know that shes not gone, she's all around us, inside of our hearts giving us the strength to face another day.
R.I.P my friend we'll miss you xxx
Dedicated to Ann:
peace all, take care xxx
Currently Listening To: Robbie Robertson - Shine Your Light
Heard some bad news tonight, someone I'd worked with in the factory after I left school for 4 years died last week. It drove me to this blog to write...But now I'm here I'm not sure what to write. I wasn't immensely close to her, yet her death or the death of anyone I know personally seems to have an effect on me, sets the mood I'm going to be in for the rest of the evening.
I hung with her daughter for a bit whilst she worked with us, though her name escapes me to this day. Its been a while since I really thought about how every ones doing back there, I've been so bitter about the backstabbers I left behind that I didn't stop to think how the people I did care about were doing.
My friend rang my mum and said she'd saw her in the street a few times, but hadn't stopped too busy to have a real chat and now she's feeling bad. I guess that's how I feel too, we're all so busy with our day to day lives that we rarely have a chance to stop and just take note.
I knew her well enough to understand that she was a caring and warm loving person and that she didn't deserve to go. Sudden deaths always scare me, make me wonder whose next on the cards.
I guess I just needed to write something, anything about that news. We all need something to hold on to, we all need to feel and hope that the next person to go doesn't suffer and we understand that our lives are mere steps in a wonderful journey.
Wherever she might be now, I dedicate this video to her and the words that ring so true to my heart, this song has meaning for me in more ways than I think anyone will understand but for now and forever I hope this reaches her family and will help us all in some way to move on know that shes not gone, she's all around us, inside of our hearts giving us the strength to face another day.
R.I.P my friend we'll miss you xxx
Dedicated to Ann:
peace all, take care xxx
Currently Listening To: Robbie Robertson - Shine Your Light
Sunday, 16 November 2008
So Far Away
Hey all it's been awhile! How's it goin?
Got a few things on my mind of late, so much has been happening that I'm lost to whether I'm actually coming or going, hence the delay in writing up another blog post.
Recently (meaning yesterday (Saturday)) my brother and his girlfriend moved into their fabulous new home! It comes as a welcome release for them after things looked rocky for awhile with the housing market being what it is! But its a great home, perfect for them and I'm really pleased their moving on with their life, getting settled and what not, they deserve it.
So in between all of that we've had plumbers and builders in from the council fitting a walk in shower for us, the job which we though would be done within a week has turned in to a two to three week mess that's left us without a shower but still able to use the sink and what not in the bathroom, but seems for us to have been a right nightmare!
On a happy note I went cinema on Halloween with my best mate to see that film "Mirrors" excellent film and really funny yet freaky, things keep jumping out at you, to which my mate will understand how incredibly funny that was afterwards.
Christmas also seems to be right around the corner, I've managed to be quite planned out this year so I'm almost done with present buying, just the few odds and ends that need to be tied up. No doubt time will tell how that plays out, I'm heading for the last pay packet before Christmas at the end of November, so I'm just trying to play it all cool.
There's so many things going on separately to all of that, that I want to talk about but it's way too complicated and to be honest the thousand questions I would get afterwards from various people wouldn't be worth it, I don't want the hassle.
Looking at my life these past few months, I've come to realize that as attached to home as I am, I don't want to live here for the rest of my life, living here meaning living here in England. As happy as I am in my private life the events that are taking place at the moment just wont hold up and there's no possible way of fixing them, that's just the way it is.
Its a long way off yet, maybe I'll change my mind before then, but I doubt it, I'm doing this I'm going to make my mark in my life and go where my hearts leading me, even if I'll never have what I truly want - that's my fault and my burden to bare, I'll live with that regret for the rest of my life.
Anyway, enough of that,
Take care all xxxx
Currently Listening To: Staind -So Far Away.
Got a few things on my mind of late, so much has been happening that I'm lost to whether I'm actually coming or going, hence the delay in writing up another blog post.
Recently (meaning yesterday (Saturday)) my brother and his girlfriend moved into their fabulous new home! It comes as a welcome release for them after things looked rocky for awhile with the housing market being what it is! But its a great home, perfect for them and I'm really pleased their moving on with their life, getting settled and what not, they deserve it.
So in between all of that we've had plumbers and builders in from the council fitting a walk in shower for us, the job which we though would be done within a week has turned in to a two to three week mess that's left us without a shower but still able to use the sink and what not in the bathroom, but seems for us to have been a right nightmare!
On a happy note I went cinema on Halloween with my best mate to see that film "Mirrors" excellent film and really funny yet freaky, things keep jumping out at you, to which my mate will understand how incredibly funny that was afterwards.
Christmas also seems to be right around the corner, I've managed to be quite planned out this year so I'm almost done with present buying, just the few odds and ends that need to be tied up. No doubt time will tell how that plays out, I'm heading for the last pay packet before Christmas at the end of November, so I'm just trying to play it all cool.
There's so many things going on separately to all of that, that I want to talk about but it's way too complicated and to be honest the thousand questions I would get afterwards from various people wouldn't be worth it, I don't want the hassle.
Looking at my life these past few months, I've come to realize that as attached to home as I am, I don't want to live here for the rest of my life, living here meaning living here in England. As happy as I am in my private life the events that are taking place at the moment just wont hold up and there's no possible way of fixing them, that's just the way it is.
Its a long way off yet, maybe I'll change my mind before then, but I doubt it, I'm doing this I'm going to make my mark in my life and go where my hearts leading me, even if I'll never have what I truly want - that's my fault and my burden to bare, I'll live with that regret for the rest of my life.
Anyway, enough of that,
Take care all xxxx
Currently Listening To: Staind -So Far Away.
Friday, 10 October 2008
Reflection
Wow it 6:53am and I'm writing a blog post!
Been up for around half an hour now, though I woke up at 5:30am again. I think he's playing on my mind. It's so easy to know what you want to write about, to see the blog in front of you and know there's so much you want to say, but finding a way to say it without sounding like a dumbass is quite the different story.
I've found myself worrying more about what others think of me, these days, than actually getting anything out of my system and even jotted down on here.
I find it incredibly hard to open up to people, the fear of rejection, the fear of close-ness, the fear of intimacy maybe? I think I have issues dealing with a lot of things, I tend to brush off. If someone tells me someones ill, or someones got a problem personally - even watching someone cry is incredibly tough for me personally to deal with. I don't like dealing with things, I push it away until the problem is resolved by someone else, or just bury my feelings and mule over them at a later stage - on my own, in private.
I put my foot in it quite a lot, especially when I feel uncomfortable, like when I'm around others -friends even though they may be, I am constantly questioning whether their actually interested whilst I'm talking to them. I tend to let people talk about themselves, it's easier, not only conversation wise but in a lot of ways.
If their talking about themselves I can sit safely in the background, without the fear that I'm going to have to make conversation (which I totally 100% suck at) or that I'm going have to delve into my life - which is incredibly complicated, as you figured from being an avid reader of this blog...lol kidding!
I think rejection is the main thing that makes me worry, I worry so much about rejection about being laughed at not with. It's funny when your actually so analytical of your life, it's quite maddening at times.
Its also, I guess, the same for when people see me upset. A lot of my close friends will know instantly when I'm upset or if somethings on my mind and will know exactly how to deal with me. But those friends are far and few between. My not so close (but not too far away) friends tend to think I might be upset, but that I could also just be being pissy with them.
That winds me up, with not just me but others as well. When it's obvious that someones upset but then not. But others automatically think it's just them being moody, or pissed off or whatever, people who can label the book before it's written. They annoy me.
I guess I'm in a reflective mood this morning, I'm feeling a little low on the run up to various events. This time of the year makes me sad, I don't know why; it just does. I feel drawn to be a Scrooge, but then I love making other people happy so that wouldn't work lol.
Why is nothing in life ever simple...Why cant I be simple?
Take care all xxx
Currently Listening To: Everlife -Angel's Cry
Been up for around half an hour now, though I woke up at 5:30am again. I think he's playing on my mind. It's so easy to know what you want to write about, to see the blog in front of you and know there's so much you want to say, but finding a way to say it without sounding like a dumbass is quite the different story.
I've found myself worrying more about what others think of me, these days, than actually getting anything out of my system and even jotted down on here.
I find it incredibly hard to open up to people, the fear of rejection, the fear of close-ness, the fear of intimacy maybe? I think I have issues dealing with a lot of things, I tend to brush off. If someone tells me someones ill, or someones got a problem personally - even watching someone cry is incredibly tough for me personally to deal with. I don't like dealing with things, I push it away until the problem is resolved by someone else, or just bury my feelings and mule over them at a later stage - on my own, in private.
I put my foot in it quite a lot, especially when I feel uncomfortable, like when I'm around others -friends even though they may be, I am constantly questioning whether their actually interested whilst I'm talking to them. I tend to let people talk about themselves, it's easier, not only conversation wise but in a lot of ways.
If their talking about themselves I can sit safely in the background, without the fear that I'm going to have to make conversation (which I totally 100% suck at) or that I'm going have to delve into my life - which is incredibly complicated, as you figured from being an avid reader of this blog...lol kidding!
I think rejection is the main thing that makes me worry, I worry so much about rejection about being laughed at not with. It's funny when your actually so analytical of your life, it's quite maddening at times.
Its also, I guess, the same for when people see me upset. A lot of my close friends will know instantly when I'm upset or if somethings on my mind and will know exactly how to deal with me. But those friends are far and few between. My not so close (but not too far away) friends tend to think I might be upset, but that I could also just be being pissy with them.
That winds me up, with not just me but others as well. When it's obvious that someones upset but then not. But others automatically think it's just them being moody, or pissed off or whatever, people who can label the book before it's written. They annoy me.
I guess I'm in a reflective mood this morning, I'm feeling a little low on the run up to various events. This time of the year makes me sad, I don't know why; it just does. I feel drawn to be a Scrooge, but then I love making other people happy so that wouldn't work lol.
Why is nothing in life ever simple...Why cant I be simple?
Take care all xxx
Currently Listening To: Everlife -Angel's Cry
Tuesday, 30 September 2008
Hoist The Colours High
Hey all, hows it goin?
Been a few weeks since I last posted on here, suddenly had the urge to today. It's mum and dad's 30th wedding anniversary today, we were supposed to be going out for a meal tonight - but looks like all things are off, due to the following circumstances:
-I'm getting over suffering with heavy tonsillitis and am still feeling pretty rough all in all
-Brothers been dentist and really isn't feeling up to having a meal (I don't think)
-Mum's possibly coming down with either a heavy cold and/or tonsillitis (just love passing things around lol)
So all in all we're pretty worse for wear, I think its just so going to be one of them days today. On a side note boy am I cold! The weather needs to seriously make up its mind.
So anyway that pretty much covers me for the last few weeks of my life, I've been ill and been working -as per usual.
On superb note -I've heard on the grape vine their making a POTC 4 wooooooooooooot!!!! 2011 is set to be the release date but nothings official yet so let's just keep our fingers crossed xx
I'm off work this week until Monday 4th October, although its flying by at scary pace already, I cant believe its Tuesday. Thankfully its pay day this Friday and seeing as I'm going that way I'm going to nip into work and pick up my wage slip - I've done two Sundays in a row this month, although that moneys already spoken for :(
Things seem to be a little brighter just recently, even with the onset of flu in our household and other such things. Puppy is looking like he/she might have to wait another month or two - just cant afford it right now.
My niece had her 6th birthday party - which she said she enjoyed and I'm glad to hear, she's growing up way to quick though bless her - they all are. But I love them dearly, I cant imagine life without them in it anymore. :)
That's really all I have to say, I'm feeling...mixed feelings today...Not sure where I stand kind of feelings. I guess we all get those kind of days.
Take care all xxx
Currently Listening To: POTC AWE Soundtrack: What Shall We Die For?
Been a few weeks since I last posted on here, suddenly had the urge to today. It's mum and dad's 30th wedding anniversary today, we were supposed to be going out for a meal tonight - but looks like all things are off, due to the following circumstances:
-I'm getting over suffering with heavy tonsillitis and am still feeling pretty rough all in all
-Brothers been dentist and really isn't feeling up to having a meal (I don't think)
-Mum's possibly coming down with either a heavy cold and/or tonsillitis (just love passing things around lol)
So all in all we're pretty worse for wear, I think its just so going to be one of them days today. On a side note boy am I cold! The weather needs to seriously make up its mind.
So anyway that pretty much covers me for the last few weeks of my life, I've been ill and been working -as per usual.
On superb note -I've heard on the grape vine their making a POTC 4 wooooooooooooot!!!! 2011 is set to be the release date but nothings official yet so let's just keep our fingers crossed xx
I'm off work this week until Monday 4th October, although its flying by at scary pace already, I cant believe its Tuesday. Thankfully its pay day this Friday and seeing as I'm going that way I'm going to nip into work and pick up my wage slip - I've done two Sundays in a row this month, although that moneys already spoken for :(
Things seem to be a little brighter just recently, even with the onset of flu in our household and other such things. Puppy is looking like he/she might have to wait another month or two - just cant afford it right now.
My niece had her 6th birthday party - which she said she enjoyed and I'm glad to hear, she's growing up way to quick though bless her - they all are. But I love them dearly, I cant imagine life without them in it anymore. :)
That's really all I have to say, I'm feeling...mixed feelings today...Not sure where I stand kind of feelings. I guess we all get those kind of days.
Take care all xxx
Currently Listening To: POTC AWE Soundtrack: What Shall We Die For?
Monday, 15 September 2008
When I Think About It
Two words: Unconditional Love
Hey all hows it goin?
Got a few things on my mind tonight, mostly love issues. Seems that love is in the air at the moment for everyone around me, brother's got his girlfriend, all of my mates have seemingly settled down in one way or another with someone. Not that I'm jealous, not at all I wanna make that absolutely clear.
It's one of those things I've thought about so much over the past few years, personal note to self: get a life. I feel writing here allows my mind to wander with thoughts I normally wouldn't air, partially why I love sitting here, listening to some soppy tunes and blubbering like an idiot. In a way (as bad as that sounds reading it back) I find crying a release, though I've gotten so toughed up to the world through the years that normally when I cry I have to force myself to - just to release that emotion otherwise let it be eating away inside of me - for god knows how long.
Either way I'm thinking about my friends and family and their 'love lives' today. 'Unconditional Love' is something I think I've experienced - once maybe in my whole life, where I've known that particular person would love me forever, would be there - unconditionally - even if I told them I hated them.
Unconditional: un·con·di·tion·al
–adjective
1.
not limited by conditions; absolute: an unconditional promise.
2.
Mathematics
Love (the short version): love
–noun
1.
a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2.
a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
3.
sexual passion or desire.
4.
a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.
5.
(used in direct address as a term of endearment, affection, or the like): Would you like to see a movie, love?
6.
a love affair; an intensely amorous incident; amour.
7.
sexual intercourse; copulation.
8.
(initial capital letter) a personification of sexual affection, as Eros or Cupid.
9.
affectionate concern for the well-being of others: the love of one's neighbor.
10.
strong predilection, enthusiasm, or liking for anything: her love of books.
11.
the object or thing so liked: The theater was her great love.
12.
the benevolent affection of God for His creatures, or the reverent affection due from them to God.
13.
Chiefly Tennis. a score of zero; nothing.
14.
a word formerly used in communications to represent the letter L.
(Thanks to dictionary.com for the definitions)
To love someone unconditionally, to feel love for someone without any conditions...Is that possible? I think so, in fact I know so because I love someone unconditionally. There was a time when I'd said "I'm not in love so don't forget it." But that changed, everything changed...I changed, because he made me change...Because I WANTED to change...
Those two words...When I think about it, are only words...Can you love someone whose a million miles away...Can you love someone who thought he couldn't love himself....I do.
I cant talk about this right now so please don't ask me to, if you read this blog I will go into it in more detail but only when I'm ready to.
Take care all, peace xxx
Currently Listening To: Keith Urban -Making Memories Of Us.
Hey all hows it goin?
Got a few things on my mind tonight, mostly love issues. Seems that love is in the air at the moment for everyone around me, brother's got his girlfriend, all of my mates have seemingly settled down in one way or another with someone. Not that I'm jealous, not at all I wanna make that absolutely clear.
It's one of those things I've thought about so much over the past few years, personal note to self: get a life. I feel writing here allows my mind to wander with thoughts I normally wouldn't air, partially why I love sitting here, listening to some soppy tunes and blubbering like an idiot. In a way (as bad as that sounds reading it back) I find crying a release, though I've gotten so toughed up to the world through the years that normally when I cry I have to force myself to - just to release that emotion otherwise let it be eating away inside of me - for god knows how long.
Either way I'm thinking about my friends and family and their 'love lives' today. 'Unconditional Love' is something I think I've experienced - once maybe in my whole life, where I've known that particular person would love me forever, would be there - unconditionally - even if I told them I hated them.
Unconditional: un·con·di·tion·al
–adjective
1.
not limited by conditions; absolute: an unconditional promise.
2.
Mathematics
Love (the short version): love
–noun
1.
a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2.
a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
3.
sexual passion or desire.
4.
a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.
5.
(used in direct address as a term of endearment, affection, or the like): Would you like to see a movie, love?
6.
a love affair; an intensely amorous incident; amour.
7.
sexual intercourse; copulation.
8.
(initial capital letter) a personification of sexual affection, as Eros or Cupid.
9.
affectionate concern for the well-being of others: the love of one's neighbor.
10.
strong predilection, enthusiasm, or liking for anything: her love of books.
11.
the object or thing so liked: The theater was her great love.
12.
the benevolent affection of God for His creatures, or the reverent affection due from them to God.
13.
Chiefly Tennis. a score of zero; nothing.
14.
a word formerly used in communications to represent the letter L.
(Thanks to dictionary.com for the definitions)
To love someone unconditionally, to feel love for someone without any conditions...Is that possible? I think so, in fact I know so because I love someone unconditionally. There was a time when I'd said "I'm not in love so don't forget it." But that changed, everything changed...I changed, because he made me change...Because I WANTED to change...
Those two words...When I think about it, are only words...Can you love someone whose a million miles away...Can you love someone who thought he couldn't love himself....I do.
I cant talk about this right now so please don't ask me to, if you read this blog I will go into it in more detail but only when I'm ready to.
Take care all, peace xxx
Currently Listening To: Keith Urban -Making Memories Of Us.
Wednesday, 27 August 2008
Forward Thinking
Hey all hows it goin'?
I'm in passive mood tonight, sitting here smoking a cig and munching some lindt chocolate. I felt the need to write a bit tonight, maybe write about what I've been up to, stuff that's been happening in the world of Cat.
I feel like I've been trapped in this bubble just recently - not a bad bubble, just a bubble. Go to work, come home, chat to my friends, go bed, go work, come home.... You get the picture, it's not that I don't enjoy it, I do! But its just like being in a bubble or rather going around in circles... I'm glad this week though, the ten hour shift I have to do on Friday has been cut down by 3 3/4 hours so I'm only working till 5:15 instead of 8! Thank god... It's a long day 10 hours!
So in other news - My dad's finally broke! I knew the year's of persistent torture would finally pay off....Yes believe it or not we are getting a puppy! A Labrador puppy to be exact, hopefully a chocolate coloured one. But with the puppies costing around £300 it's not going to be until the end of September when we do get one, all the same I am dead excited about getting a puppy! :D
Things at home seem to have settled down a little now, not so... Outrageous, which I'm glad about but also hopeful this isn't the calm before the storm kind of thing. Probably just me over-analyzing things again, but meh we'll see.
Bar working and paying bills and doing the Friday big shop (as Peter Kay says) I've been doing sweet nothing. Well except chatting to the friends online, man they make me laugh some days. Been having a massive row on the main boards just lately though - but thankfully one of my mates sorted it out and well I've kind of simmered down a bit now.
I've had two sets of bad news today, I'm waiting for a third...I'm a great believer of bad things come in three's and well we'll just have to wait and see what the next thing is. Fate work's in mysterious ways so take care my friends and much love to you all xxx
Currently Listening To: Crash Test Dummies - Mmm Mmm Mmm
I'm in passive mood tonight, sitting here smoking a cig and munching some lindt chocolate. I felt the need to write a bit tonight, maybe write about what I've been up to, stuff that's been happening in the world of Cat.
I feel like I've been trapped in this bubble just recently - not a bad bubble, just a bubble. Go to work, come home, chat to my friends, go bed, go work, come home.... You get the picture, it's not that I don't enjoy it, I do! But its just like being in a bubble or rather going around in circles... I'm glad this week though, the ten hour shift I have to do on Friday has been cut down by 3 3/4 hours so I'm only working till 5:15 instead of 8! Thank god... It's a long day 10 hours!
So in other news - My dad's finally broke! I knew the year's of persistent torture would finally pay off....Yes believe it or not we are getting a puppy! A Labrador puppy to be exact, hopefully a chocolate coloured one. But with the puppies costing around £300 it's not going to be until the end of September when we do get one, all the same I am dead excited about getting a puppy! :D
Things at home seem to have settled down a little now, not so... Outrageous, which I'm glad about but also hopeful this isn't the calm before the storm kind of thing. Probably just me over-analyzing things again, but meh we'll see.
Bar working and paying bills and doing the Friday big shop (as Peter Kay says) I've been doing sweet nothing. Well except chatting to the friends online, man they make me laugh some days. Been having a massive row on the main boards just lately though - but thankfully one of my mates sorted it out and well I've kind of simmered down a bit now.
I've had two sets of bad news today, I'm waiting for a third...I'm a great believer of bad things come in three's and well we'll just have to wait and see what the next thing is. Fate work's in mysterious ways so take care my friends and much love to you all xxx
Currently Listening To: Crash Test Dummies - Mmm Mmm Mmm
Monday, 18 August 2008
Skype
Just a quickie folks, got to go to work soon.
I had a fantastic day yesterday, if you haven't used skype before, you should its absolutely wicked! Basically (for those of you who don't know what skype is) it's a free downloadable chat program that allows you to chat to your friends via mic or headset over the Internet.
Yesterday (well Saturday actually) I was asked to come join in a Podcast by some fellow Internet friends, basically we just talked about what we love writing about (not going into it) but it was absolutely excellent!
Although I messed up the reading of a post, but apart from that it went well :) Also after we'd recorded I got to talk to one of my closest friends in Canada and we must have spoken for like what an hour? Or just over anyway, I was so nervous though as I said before I don't do conversations, but for some reason I felt completely relaxed with him and the two guys I did the Podcast with.
Best thing about Skype is it's free and with a decent set of headphones, its as clear as a bell I recommend it to anyone who'd rather not pay for a phone call! If anyone wants to know more about it, or wants to chat to me on skype let me know!
Okay so now I've promoted Skype to death I'm off, take care all :)
Currently Listening To: End Of The Line - Travelling Wilbury's
I had a fantastic day yesterday, if you haven't used skype before, you should its absolutely wicked! Basically (for those of you who don't know what skype is) it's a free downloadable chat program that allows you to chat to your friends via mic or headset over the Internet.
Yesterday (well Saturday actually) I was asked to come join in a Podcast by some fellow Internet friends, basically we just talked about what we love writing about (not going into it) but it was absolutely excellent!
Although I messed up the reading of a post, but apart from that it went well :) Also after we'd recorded I got to talk to one of my closest friends in Canada and we must have spoken for like what an hour? Or just over anyway, I was so nervous though as I said before I don't do conversations, but for some reason I felt completely relaxed with him and the two guys I did the Podcast with.
Best thing about Skype is it's free and with a decent set of headphones, its as clear as a bell I recommend it to anyone who'd rather not pay for a phone call! If anyone wants to know more about it, or wants to chat to me on skype let me know!
Okay so now I've promoted Skype to death I'm off, take care all :)
Currently Listening To: End Of The Line - Travelling Wilbury's
Saturday, 9 August 2008
The Tracks Of My Tears
I've been thinking about crying a lot lately, though I've not actually got around to actually physically doing it. Not until tonight anyway. Been one of them days today - when I feel like everyone is blaming everything that could and does go wrong on me.
I keep to myself a lot in my outside of a PC life. I'm pretty quiet at work, but I have such a hard time with conversations. I hate it. I find making conversation is like trying to stuff a thousand words into a shell - if one could put words into a shell that is.
But somehow I seem to muddle by, trying everything I know to make myself speak to say absolutely anything even if it's just about the weather. I know in my line of work your supposed to have a talkative personality, to be able to thrust yourself into any situation and be able to deal with it head on, and sometimes you know I am, I can do it with ease.
But quite a lot of the time I find myself hoping others will carry on the conversation or that the conversation will dry up and I'll be left staring at this person or looking around wondering what the heck I can say.
Its something I've struggled with for a long time, mostly due to the fact I'm shy - incredibly shy and venerable, I'm an open wound that refuses to heal that refuses to go away.
I often am asked why I spend so much time inside, or in front of a PC. Sometimes its a hard question to answer, especially when it comes from someone in my family. The only response I know really is that its what I want to do, its my life let me be.
But I know deep down the truth is I just feel safe here, on here I'm a totally different person, I'm everyone 's friend, a shoulder to lean on, a best mate, a leader and a strong unbelievable character whose failures in the real world seem to fade away and become non existent.
I love my online friends dearly, I trust them 10 times over than real friends - bar a selected few - without them all the pain and suffering that I keep hidden away from my real friends, my real family would have devoured me long ago, making me unstable.
They've been there for me, seen the good - and the worst of me and I know they've seen the tracks of my tears - wrapped a virtual arm around my shoulder and told me it'll all be okay.
Somehow it makes it all better... Somehow I'm someones friend in Canada, in the USA and even in the Netherlands. We're all so close, so trusting of one another and we all share the one secret - nobody knows who we really are outside - they know who we are.... Inside.
Peace all xxx
Currently listening to: Sarah McLaughlin - Arms Of The Angels
I keep to myself a lot in my outside of a PC life. I'm pretty quiet at work, but I have such a hard time with conversations. I hate it. I find making conversation is like trying to stuff a thousand words into a shell - if one could put words into a shell that is.
But somehow I seem to muddle by, trying everything I know to make myself speak to say absolutely anything even if it's just about the weather. I know in my line of work your supposed to have a talkative personality, to be able to thrust yourself into any situation and be able to deal with it head on, and sometimes you know I am, I can do it with ease.
But quite a lot of the time I find myself hoping others will carry on the conversation or that the conversation will dry up and I'll be left staring at this person or looking around wondering what the heck I can say.
Its something I've struggled with for a long time, mostly due to the fact I'm shy - incredibly shy and venerable, I'm an open wound that refuses to heal that refuses to go away.
I often am asked why I spend so much time inside, or in front of a PC. Sometimes its a hard question to answer, especially when it comes from someone in my family. The only response I know really is that its what I want to do, its my life let me be.
But I know deep down the truth is I just feel safe here, on here I'm a totally different person, I'm everyone 's friend, a shoulder to lean on, a best mate, a leader and a strong unbelievable character whose failures in the real world seem to fade away and become non existent.
I love my online friends dearly, I trust them 10 times over than real friends - bar a selected few - without them all the pain and suffering that I keep hidden away from my real friends, my real family would have devoured me long ago, making me unstable.
They've been there for me, seen the good - and the worst of me and I know they've seen the tracks of my tears - wrapped a virtual arm around my shoulder and told me it'll all be okay.
Somehow it makes it all better... Somehow I'm someones friend in Canada, in the USA and even in the Netherlands. We're all so close, so trusting of one another and we all share the one secret - nobody knows who we really are outside - they know who we are.... Inside.
Peace all xxx
Currently listening to: Sarah McLaughlin - Arms Of The Angels
Monday, 4 August 2008
Lugia's Song Or Rather Fall At Your Feet
...Some songs I've been listening to lately, I swear it's coming to that time of the month again I'm getting into a mood really easily. So anyway I wanted to waffle a little about what's been happening with moi lately.
So I went to see the new X-Files movie with my mate, absolutely awesome, awesome, AWESOME movie, well that's if you like the X-Files and have watched it enough to see the whole Mulder and Scully relationship grow and blossom. Seeing this new film really brought a smile to my face, I had to laugh at all of Mulder's quips, though Scully seemed a little different, a little off what I remember.
I saw them on Richard and Judy the Wednesday before I went to see the the film and they looked and spoke comfortably together which is always promising. Though the only bits that narked me about this film and MAJOR SPOILER WARNING AHEAD DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE PLANNING TO GO SEE IT, I'LL LET YOU KNOW WHEN IT'S SAFE OKAY? lol
Gonna make this part the same colour as the background just in case.
So the bits that pissed me off about X-Files: I want to believe
Mulder stuff - Meh, not too much Mulder stuff to complain about, he looks older but that's about it really, his classic line "what's up doc?" to Scully in the opening shot of them together was great, but different, so very different. All in all I think he rocked, same old Mulder.
Scully stuff - Okay here's where it gets serious, Scully was a little deadpan, she seemed a little moody, a little off beat but I'm not too bothered by it strangely enough. She said it was really hard for her coming back after 6 years, trying to find Scully again and I can imagine it would be, but I don't know maybe it was Chris Carter fault for giving her poor lines? Also she was a little too quick to rock the boat with Mulder and their relationship - not true Scully style at all.
Billy Connolly stuff - Or a lack thereof should I say, where was he in this film!?!? Basically everything that's in the trailer is about as much as he gets in this film. I adore Billy Connolly, as a stand up comedian on a stage he makes me cry, in films that I've seen him in, this one now included, I've always loved the variety of his performance. But seriously was it worth hiring Billy for the amount of what you saw of him in the film?
Other characters - Or missing people, Mitch Pileggi got a five second cameo at the end of the film in a scene where he gets to cuddle a freezing Mulder? Oh and of course the scene in the car with Scully? Not enough. And whose idea was it to bring in Xibit and Amanda Peet into the mix? What about Monica Reyes and John Doggett? I don't care what they would have had to do to get them back in it, they SHOULD have been in it! The missing faces of The Lone Gunmen hit home with me too, I loved those guys and the scene in 'The End' season 9 made me cry.
The film overall - Was it a film or just a two part episode? The film looked and felt like it was on a tight budget, the action scenes were far and few and really Mulder and Scully were pasted in more often to cut down on special effects (hence the bed scene and Scully's classic line: "Itchy beard ugh") I loved the film, don't get me wrong but it's definitely not what I was expecting.
OKAY YOU CAN LOOK NOW!
So I've talked X-Files, I'm not going on about it now. Aside from the great night out with my best mate, I haven't really done much bar go to work. I think now's a good time to cut this post off, even though I promised more I need to go bed it's late, I may write again tomorrow.
Take care all xx
Currently Listening to: A man has dreams - David Tomlinson
So I went to see the new X-Files movie with my mate, absolutely awesome, awesome, AWESOME movie, well that's if you like the X-Files and have watched it enough to see the whole Mulder and Scully relationship grow and blossom. Seeing this new film really brought a smile to my face, I had to laugh at all of Mulder's quips, though Scully seemed a little different, a little off what I remember.
I saw them on Richard and Judy the Wednesday before I went to see the the film and they looked and spoke comfortably together which is always promising. Though the only bits that narked me about this film and MAJOR SPOILER WARNING AHEAD DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE PLANNING TO GO SEE IT, I'LL LET YOU KNOW WHEN IT'S SAFE OKAY? lol
Gonna make this part the same colour as the background just in case.
So the bits that pissed me off about X-Files: I want to believe
Mulder stuff - Meh, not too much Mulder stuff to complain about, he looks older but that's about it really, his classic line "what's up doc?" to Scully in the opening shot of them together was great, but different, so very different. All in all I think he rocked, same old Mulder.
Scully stuff - Okay here's where it gets serious, Scully was a little deadpan, she seemed a little moody, a little off beat but I'm not too bothered by it strangely enough. She said it was really hard for her coming back after 6 years, trying to find Scully again and I can imagine it would be, but I don't know maybe it was Chris Carter fault for giving her poor lines? Also she was a little too quick to rock the boat with Mulder and their relationship - not true Scully style at all.
Billy Connolly stuff - Or a lack thereof should I say, where was he in this film!?!? Basically everything that's in the trailer is about as much as he gets in this film. I adore Billy Connolly, as a stand up comedian on a stage he makes me cry, in films that I've seen him in, this one now included, I've always loved the variety of his performance. But seriously was it worth hiring Billy for the amount of what you saw of him in the film?
Other characters - Or missing people, Mitch Pileggi got a five second cameo at the end of the film in a scene where he gets to cuddle a freezing Mulder? Oh and of course the scene in the car with Scully? Not enough. And whose idea was it to bring in Xibit and Amanda Peet into the mix? What about Monica Reyes and John Doggett? I don't care what they would have had to do to get them back in it, they SHOULD have been in it! The missing faces of The Lone Gunmen hit home with me too, I loved those guys and the scene in 'The End' season 9 made me cry.
The film overall - Was it a film or just a two part episode? The film looked and felt like it was on a tight budget, the action scenes were far and few and really Mulder and Scully were pasted in more often to cut down on special effects (hence the bed scene and Scully's classic line: "Itchy beard ugh") I loved the film, don't get me wrong but it's definitely not what I was expecting.
OKAY YOU CAN LOOK NOW!
So I've talked X-Files, I'm not going on about it now. Aside from the great night out with my best mate, I haven't really done much bar go to work. I think now's a good time to cut this post off, even though I promised more I need to go bed it's late, I may write again tomorrow.
Take care all xx
Currently Listening to: A man has dreams - David Tomlinson
A Man Has Dreams Of Walking With Giants...
...This song has come to mean a lot to me, as funny as it sounds that I'd choose this particular song to fit my unwanted needs for support. I'm having one of 'those' moments again tonight, this song seems to be the only song played on my media player at the moment, so without further adieu, I'll proceed to sing it for you....(no really I'm going to sing it! Cover your ears then...)
****
A man has dreams of walking with giants,
To carve his niche in the edifice of time,
Before the mortar of his zeal, has a chance to congeal,
The cup is dashed from his lips,
The flame is snuffed aborning,
He's brought to rack and ruin in his prime
My world was calm, well ordered, exemplary,
Then came this person, with chaos in her wake,
And now my life's ambitions go, with one fell blow,
It's quite a bitter pill... to take
You've got to grind, grind, grind at that grindstone,
Though childhood slips like sand through a sieve,
And all too soon they've up and grown,
And then they've flown...
And it's too late for you to give...
****
Okay so for those of you who know what that song is from (500 brownie points for emailing me the right answer lol edit: and no looking it up! I'll know if you have!) You'll notice I've missed some sections of the song out, not really anything important but important enough to the song. I did this because these parts of the song are what stands out to me and makes this song important to me.
Just lately my brother's been on my mind a lot and I dunno if he reads this (probably not) but if he does, well I guess I just want you to know I'm your sister and I'm here for you you may be my big brother, but that doesn't mean you cant come to me when the walls fall down.
I've got a bit of toothache tonight, think I'll head to bed and sleep it off. Take care all I promise I'll have a half decent post out soon. xxx
Currently listening to: that brownie points song, not gonna tell you cos then you'd know the answer ;)
****
A man has dreams of walking with giants,
To carve his niche in the edifice of time,
Before the mortar of his zeal, has a chance to congeal,
The cup is dashed from his lips,
The flame is snuffed aborning,
He's brought to rack and ruin in his prime
My world was calm, well ordered, exemplary,
Then came this person, with chaos in her wake,
And now my life's ambitions go, with one fell blow,
It's quite a bitter pill... to take
You've got to grind, grind, grind at that grindstone,
Though childhood slips like sand through a sieve,
And all too soon they've up and grown,
And then they've flown...
And it's too late for you to give...
****
Okay so for those of you who know what that song is from (500 brownie points for emailing me the right answer lol edit: and no looking it up! I'll know if you have!) You'll notice I've missed some sections of the song out, not really anything important but important enough to the song. I did this because these parts of the song are what stands out to me and makes this song important to me.
Just lately my brother's been on my mind a lot and I dunno if he reads this (probably not) but if he does, well I guess I just want you to know I'm your sister and I'm here for you you may be my big brother, but that doesn't mean you cant come to me when the walls fall down.
I've got a bit of toothache tonight, think I'll head to bed and sleep it off. Take care all I promise I'll have a half decent post out soon. xxx
Currently listening to: that brownie points song, not gonna tell you cos then you'd know the answer ;)
Tuesday, 22 July 2008
That's What I Like!
Hey all hows it going?
Haven't blogged for a while now, sorry about that I've had a busy month, what with my nephews birthday, scrambling in work and a wedding it's been nothing but fun! Got a few things running through my mind right now, first let's start off with the new X-Files movie!
If you'd said to me this time last year they'd actually go through with a new X-Files movie I would have said "You're crazy!" But here we are a year later and on the 1st August we look to be blasting through the paranormal and back into the life of my fave film couple Mulder and Scully.
It feels like its been forever since the days of Mulder and Scully, I remember growing up and watching them, they always gave me that extra edge that you don't normally get from T.V shows, that certain extra realism - perhaps because they played with something that could be a possibly conceivable under the right circumstances and given time.
I have now the complete season set on VHS (wounded now though I wished I'd brought them on DVD) Anyway, I felt like breaking them out not so long ago, replaying some of my fave episodes namely "William," "This is not happening" and "The end" I've chosen season 8 and 9 as my favourite seasons, though I say that through possibly gritted teeth, I LOVED season one and two the most, but I found they didn't get the extra umph until way too late in the season 7/8 seasons.
After X-Files, Fight The Future, I was left with a lot of unanswered questions, I felt the movie somewhat played off the fact that it needed to set up a storyline for the next season and that bringing the movie in at that point was just a stab in the back for many X-Files fans. It was TOO early, the movie needed to come about around the end of season 7 with Mulder's departure imminent, the films storyline would have had a greater effect on the casting audience.
Though this new film X-Files: I Want To Believe promises to be a far cry better than Fight The Future, I saw the trailer yesterday and have replayed it today for the folks, we all thought Billy Connolly - nah it's gonna be a comedy surely. But not from the outlook on the trailer:
I have to say I was VERY impressed by that trailer, even more so impressed by that trailer than I was of the POTC AWE trailer (which by the way rocked!) The films outlook is positive, keeping true to the Mulder and Scully fashion although not dealing with aliens, the rumors circulate and we'll see what transpires for the all time greatest couple Mulder and Scully, with Billy Connolly (personally my hero) on board for the ride, I'd have to say August 1st when I go watch it with my mate, can't come quick enough!
Other things going through my mind right now (apart from movies?) Nothing really, I've had a few ups and downs recently, but I didn't come on here to waste my troubles away into you people. It's late and I really am too high on the X-files movie to talk about anything else!
Take care all xx
Currently Listening To: Jives Bunny and the Mastermixers - That's What I Like
Haven't blogged for a while now, sorry about that I've had a busy month, what with my nephews birthday, scrambling in work and a wedding it's been nothing but fun! Got a few things running through my mind right now, first let's start off with the new X-Files movie!
If you'd said to me this time last year they'd actually go through with a new X-Files movie I would have said "You're crazy!" But here we are a year later and on the 1st August we look to be blasting through the paranormal and back into the life of my fave film couple Mulder and Scully.
It feels like its been forever since the days of Mulder and Scully, I remember growing up and watching them, they always gave me that extra edge that you don't normally get from T.V shows, that certain extra realism - perhaps because they played with something that could be a possibly conceivable under the right circumstances and given time.
I have now the complete season set on VHS (wounded now though I wished I'd brought them on DVD) Anyway, I felt like breaking them out not so long ago, replaying some of my fave episodes namely "William," "This is not happening" and "The end" I've chosen season 8 and 9 as my favourite seasons, though I say that through possibly gritted teeth, I LOVED season one and two the most, but I found they didn't get the extra umph until way too late in the season 7/8 seasons.
After X-Files, Fight The Future, I was left with a lot of unanswered questions, I felt the movie somewhat played off the fact that it needed to set up a storyline for the next season and that bringing the movie in at that point was just a stab in the back for many X-Files fans. It was TOO early, the movie needed to come about around the end of season 7 with Mulder's departure imminent, the films storyline would have had a greater effect on the casting audience.
Though this new film X-Files: I Want To Believe promises to be a far cry better than Fight The Future, I saw the trailer yesterday and have replayed it today for the folks, we all thought Billy Connolly - nah it's gonna be a comedy surely. But not from the outlook on the trailer:
I have to say I was VERY impressed by that trailer, even more so impressed by that trailer than I was of the POTC AWE trailer (which by the way rocked!) The films outlook is positive, keeping true to the Mulder and Scully fashion although not dealing with aliens, the rumors circulate and we'll see what transpires for the all time greatest couple Mulder and Scully, with Billy Connolly (personally my hero) on board for the ride, I'd have to say August 1st when I go watch it with my mate, can't come quick enough!
Other things going through my mind right now (apart from movies?) Nothing really, I've had a few ups and downs recently, but I didn't come on here to waste my troubles away into you people. It's late and I really am too high on the X-files movie to talk about anything else!
Take care all xx
Currently Listening To: Jives Bunny and the Mastermixers - That's What I Like
Saturday, 5 July 2008
Fix You
Hey all,
First off I want to start by apologizing for my previous post. I think I was having one of those days where you just let everything go and everything seems awful, but not to worry.
Anyway I want to say congratulations to Emma and Carl on their wedding today if you so happen to fall upon this blog and read this, congrats!
This is going to be a fairly short post, just wanted to catch up with everyone, my last post would have reflected the things I'll post today if I hadn't been in *sob* mode.
I had a wonderful birthday, thanks to everyone for the well wishes and for all the cards and ecards that was lovely! I spent the day at home with my family - just the way I like it.
I've recently found out some rather interesting stuff about which I'm not going to go into detail, but it involves a lot of gossip or gossiping that's been passed my way and I feel able to control it and handle it perfectly, I'm biding my time thank you very much!
Much love to a fella out there who made my birthday special, Dave, one of my best mates you know who you are xx Oh and to my best girl mate, Hermione, who I couldn't live without much love to you too xx
Work is pretty good though at the moment I've got some well needed time off, I think this is it until the end of forever so I'm making the most of it! Apart from that nothing much else has been happening, right now I have a wedding reception to get ready for and cant really get too well into writing a detailed post but just wanted to post a quick few notes.
Take care all
xxxxxxx
Currently listening to: Every beat of my heart - Rod Stewart
First off I want to start by apologizing for my previous post. I think I was having one of those days where you just let everything go and everything seems awful, but not to worry.
Anyway I want to say congratulations to Emma and Carl on their wedding today if you so happen to fall upon this blog and read this, congrats!
This is going to be a fairly short post, just wanted to catch up with everyone, my last post would have reflected the things I'll post today if I hadn't been in *sob* mode.
I had a wonderful birthday, thanks to everyone for the well wishes and for all the cards and ecards that was lovely! I spent the day at home with my family - just the way I like it.
I've recently found out some rather interesting stuff about which I'm not going to go into detail, but it involves a lot of gossip or gossiping that's been passed my way and I feel able to control it and handle it perfectly, I'm biding my time thank you very much!
Much love to a fella out there who made my birthday special, Dave, one of my best mates you know who you are xx Oh and to my best girl mate, Hermione, who I couldn't live without much love to you too xx
Work is pretty good though at the moment I've got some well needed time off, I think this is it until the end of forever so I'm making the most of it! Apart from that nothing much else has been happening, right now I have a wedding reception to get ready for and cant really get too well into writing a detailed post but just wanted to post a quick few notes.
Take care all
xxxxxxx
Currently listening to: Every beat of my heart - Rod Stewart
Thursday, 3 July 2008
Walking Man's Road
Hey all,
I doubt this will be a long post, I'm kind of upset right now, it's been one of those days I'm afraid, you know as soon as you open your eyes and its dark outside that it's going to be one of them days where arguments are only a step away.
Sometimes I wonder why people argue, I know I'm really defensive, just lately I've been rebuilding these walls around my heart that got broken, that get broken every time I think about my life, or if I analyze why I'm not 'normal' like everyone else.
I feel like a part of me wants to be the popular wonderful person that everyone loves yet the bigger part of me, the side of me that nobody knows, doesn't care about that, she enjoys her life how it is, how she wants it to be, not how everyone thinks it should.
I'm so emotional, just lately I find myself crying at the most simple of things, its not just because 'its that time of the month' or because I'm being over-sensitive, I think it's because I have this inept ability of pissing myself off. Like when I argue with someone, I'll say things before I realize the impact it has on said person, then I regret it and end up crying about it.
I think that life throws us all these massive curve balls sometimes your thrown a lucky ball, something wonderful/brilliant/perfect/amazing or even simply good happens and that's great! But sometimes your thrown a bad ball, after all luck has to even itself out right? (Like for when something good happens to you something bad happens to someone, somewhere else?) So you get thrown this bad ball and it can be anything from a disaster to a simple argument, now this ball (like with the good balls) you can either turn into something good and positive and make the most of it, or you can try and fight it and end up loosing badly.
I think that's how it works, good balls and bad balls. Today I got a bad ball, one thing lead to another and it was like dominoes. I know it'll all be okay in the end, everything works out in the end right?
My brother amazes me sometimes, he has this way of making everything better, he just can say something to me and all of a sudden I see sense and I even don't feel like crying as much anymore.
And crying is the worse, you should never be afraid to cry, that's what I always tell my friends, my family or whoever. And you shouldn't, I can't cry in public, well I can but most of my crying is done in my room, in my security net, because this where I feel safe, where I can be me without any of the cons.
Okay guys I've been working on this post for too long now and my eyes hurt from crying so I'm gonna leave it there. Love you all xx
Remember life's too short for arguments!
Currently listening to - America - Man's Road
I doubt this will be a long post, I'm kind of upset right now, it's been one of those days I'm afraid, you know as soon as you open your eyes and its dark outside that it's going to be one of them days where arguments are only a step away.
Sometimes I wonder why people argue, I know I'm really defensive, just lately I've been rebuilding these walls around my heart that got broken, that get broken every time I think about my life, or if I analyze why I'm not 'normal' like everyone else.
I feel like a part of me wants to be the popular wonderful person that everyone loves yet the bigger part of me, the side of me that nobody knows, doesn't care about that, she enjoys her life how it is, how she wants it to be, not how everyone thinks it should.
I'm so emotional, just lately I find myself crying at the most simple of things, its not just because 'its that time of the month' or because I'm being over-sensitive, I think it's because I have this inept ability of pissing myself off. Like when I argue with someone, I'll say things before I realize the impact it has on said person, then I regret it and end up crying about it.
I think that life throws us all these massive curve balls sometimes your thrown a lucky ball, something wonderful/brilliant/perfect/amazing or even simply good happens and that's great! But sometimes your thrown a bad ball, after all luck has to even itself out right? (Like for when something good happens to you something bad happens to someone, somewhere else?) So you get thrown this bad ball and it can be anything from a disaster to a simple argument, now this ball (like with the good balls) you can either turn into something good and positive and make the most of it, or you can try and fight it and end up loosing badly.
I think that's how it works, good balls and bad balls. Today I got a bad ball, one thing lead to another and it was like dominoes. I know it'll all be okay in the end, everything works out in the end right?
My brother amazes me sometimes, he has this way of making everything better, he just can say something to me and all of a sudden I see sense and I even don't feel like crying as much anymore.
And crying is the worse, you should never be afraid to cry, that's what I always tell my friends, my family or whoever. And you shouldn't, I can't cry in public, well I can but most of my crying is done in my room, in my security net, because this where I feel safe, where I can be me without any of the cons.
Okay guys I've been working on this post for too long now and my eyes hurt from crying so I'm gonna leave it there. Love you all xx
Remember life's too short for arguments!
Currently listening to - America - Man's Road
Monday, 16 June 2008
Take her to Sea Mr Murdoch, Let's Stretch Her Legs
Hey all, hows it goin?
Had a fantastic past couple of days, really great week in all honesty. Aside from the usual dramatic family life I spent the Sunday previous to my brother's birthday getting drunk, and from what I've been told almost falling off a chair outside? Lol, do not remember that???
Pay day came too late for me this month, was forced into having to buy my brother's birthday present on the Friday after his birthday (his birthday being the Wednesday) but it turned out to be my lucky charm actually, after managing a last moment shift change, I could have Friday off and go up town with one of my bestest best friends and sufficed to say I had a blast!
Don't you just hate bubble (glass) elevators though? I'm terrified of heights so I found myself gripping on for dear life as the lift went down from the third level, opening my eyes and realizing everyone outside could see me cowering in fear. Damn.
None the less I managed to hold my own and won the elevator ride to the bottom, shopping around with my best mate for a present for bro. I managed to buy him a nice shirt from Burton (I think) which I'm not sure he whether he liked or not. A DVD of Peter Kay live at the top of the tower (which he'd seen already but said he didn't mind) and a Clubland CD which I'm not sure if he's listened to or not yet.
Either way I'm thinking it turned out rather nice after town we went food shopping and did the whole ordeal that was. After spraying everyone with a broken coke a cola bottle that dropped off the checkout, we left and headed home, unpacking, eating a McDonald's, chatting in my room for a few hours watching Titanic - still moving at 90mph (inside joke lmao)
I want to talk about Titanic if I may for a second, I promise I'll try not bore the pants off you with it.
1st Officer William Murdoch (see picture above) - wow!
Okay if you haven't seen Titanic by now your seriously deprived of a Television and or Video recorder/DVD Player - so just for those unlucky few - SPOILER WARNING AHEAD, I'll let you know when it's safe to read again ;) I'll make the text the same colour as the background so just highlight the below text to read it.
I mean really WOW, this guy, portrayed by the infamous Ewan Stewart - (who rightly deserves more credit than he gets as an actor) portrayed Murdoch in a absolutely fantastic light, I swooned over him whilst my mate swooned over Leo. In all honesty I don't get Leo's appeal, he a rubbish actor (sorry to my mate whose might read this and hate me for dissing Leo) But he lacks appeal, I love characters to have in depth appeal, I feel that Leo (Jack Dawson in Titanic) over dramatised the role, he over acts in almost everything he does, almost as if he's trying to be the next Tom Cruise or Richard Gere, it doesn't appeal to me, but this man did. The first time I watched Titanic - I remember crying way before everyone else did, unsure of why. The music, surely, set's everyone off and of course the fact you know it's a true story (bar the over dramatic love affair between Jack and Rose.)
I remember crying when Murdoch tried to use sheer will to turn the ship, trying to avoid the iceberg. But I remember crying even more when he shot himself after shooting another man, not only did it seriously downgrade Ewan's character, it was a WRONGFUL portrayal of what history dictated as the death of 1st officer William Murdoch.
History states and I quote directly from wiki: "After Titanic disappeared into the Atlantic Ocean on the morning of 15 April 1912, nothing more was ever seen of 1st Officer William Murdoch. His body, if recovered, was never identified. Within days of the disaster, several crew members and passengers began to speak of a suicide that occurred near the end of Titanic's sinking. It was initially unclear of who may have committed suicide, some claiming it was Captain Smith, Chief Officer Wilde, or Murdoch. However, these accounts are unconfirmed. Several members of the crew, including the ship's lamp trimmer, Samuel Hemming, and Second Officer Charles Lightoller said they saw Murdoch hard at work attempting to free Collapsible A from the falls on the Boat Deck just before the bridge submerged in the final stages of the sinking, when a huge wave washed him overboard into the sea. Surviving wireless operator Harold Bride later stated that he saw Murdoch nearby Collapsible Lifeboat "B," but that he died in the water.
In both the 1996 and 1997 films, Murdoch committed suicide. The 1997 film depicted Murdoch taking — but later rejecting — a bribe from first-class passenger Caledon Hockley; and shooting a third-class man dead in a mob on the deck. The horrified Murdoch then salutes Chief Officer Henry Wilde and commits suicide. After film producers refused to take out Murdoch's suicide scene, studio executives later flew to Murdoch's hometown to issue an apology for this depiction to his surviving relatives."
Murdoch was a hero I truly believe that, and his WRONGFUL portrayal in James Cameron's film angered me as did the fact that he had a chance to make a really good movie. Instead your left with scenes such as attempted suicide and paintings of naked women?? Is this what movie making has come down to? Never the less as per usual I did enjoy the film overall, save for the Rose and Jack parts, now that I really have bored the pants off you I'll shut up about it ;)
SPOILER END You can look again now ;)
So after a fun filled Friday and a work filled Saturday - I still forgot to buy my friends birthday present when I went up town! Grr, just remembered today actually - father's day of course.
I've promised my father I'd take him to the garden center tomorrow to let him get what he wants- I brought him some chocolates and a card as per usual though, which he was unable to eat any because of a sugar test tomorrow at the doctors! But no doubt he'll be digging into them before too long.
That's really all I have to say, take care all!
Currently listening to: John Williams - Jurassic Park Theme
Had a fantastic past couple of days, really great week in all honesty. Aside from the usual dramatic family life I spent the Sunday previous to my brother's birthday getting drunk, and from what I've been told almost falling off a chair outside? Lol, do not remember that???
Pay day came too late for me this month, was forced into having to buy my brother's birthday present on the Friday after his birthday (his birthday being the Wednesday) but it turned out to be my lucky charm actually, after managing a last moment shift change, I could have Friday off and go up town with one of my bestest best friends and sufficed to say I had a blast!
Don't you just hate bubble (glass) elevators though? I'm terrified of heights so I found myself gripping on for dear life as the lift went down from the third level, opening my eyes and realizing everyone outside could see me cowering in fear. Damn.
None the less I managed to hold my own and won the elevator ride to the bottom, shopping around with my best mate for a present for bro. I managed to buy him a nice shirt from Burton (I think) which I'm not sure he whether he liked or not. A DVD of Peter Kay live at the top of the tower (which he'd seen already but said he didn't mind) and a Clubland CD which I'm not sure if he's listened to or not yet.
Either way I'm thinking it turned out rather nice after town we went food shopping and did the whole ordeal that was. After spraying everyone with a broken coke a cola bottle that dropped off the checkout, we left and headed home, unpacking, eating a McDonald's, chatting in my room for a few hours watching Titanic - still moving at 90mph (inside joke lmao)
I want to talk about Titanic if I may for a second, I promise I'll try not bore the pants off you with it.
1st Officer William Murdoch (see picture above) - wow!
Okay if you haven't seen Titanic by now your seriously deprived of a Television and or Video recorder/DVD Player - so just for those unlucky few - SPOILER WARNING AHEAD, I'll let you know when it's safe to read again ;) I'll make the text the same colour as the background so just highlight the below text to read it.
I mean really WOW, this guy, portrayed by the infamous Ewan Stewart - (who rightly deserves more credit than he gets as an actor) portrayed Murdoch in a absolutely fantastic light, I swooned over him whilst my mate swooned over Leo. In all honesty I don't get Leo's appeal, he a rubbish actor (sorry to my mate whose might read this and hate me for dissing Leo) But he lacks appeal, I love characters to have in depth appeal, I feel that Leo (Jack Dawson in Titanic) over dramatised the role, he over acts in almost everything he does, almost as if he's trying to be the next Tom Cruise or Richard Gere, it doesn't appeal to me, but this man did. The first time I watched Titanic - I remember crying way before everyone else did, unsure of why. The music, surely, set's everyone off and of course the fact you know it's a true story (bar the over dramatic love affair between Jack and Rose.)
I remember crying when Murdoch tried to use sheer will to turn the ship, trying to avoid the iceberg. But I remember crying even more when he shot himself after shooting another man, not only did it seriously downgrade Ewan's character, it was a WRONGFUL portrayal of what history dictated as the death of 1st officer William Murdoch.
History states and I quote directly from wiki: "After Titanic disappeared into the Atlantic Ocean on the morning of 15 April 1912, nothing more was ever seen of 1st Officer William Murdoch. His body, if recovered, was never identified. Within days of the disaster, several crew members and passengers began to speak of a suicide that occurred near the end of Titanic's sinking. It was initially unclear of who may have committed suicide, some claiming it was Captain Smith, Chief Officer Wilde, or Murdoch. However, these accounts are unconfirmed. Several members of the crew, including the ship's lamp trimmer, Samuel Hemming, and Second Officer Charles Lightoller said they saw Murdoch hard at work attempting to free Collapsible A from the falls on the Boat Deck just before the bridge submerged in the final stages of the sinking, when a huge wave washed him overboard into the sea. Surviving wireless operator Harold Bride later stated that he saw Murdoch nearby Collapsible Lifeboat "B," but that he died in the water.
In both the 1996 and 1997 films, Murdoch committed suicide. The 1997 film depicted Murdoch taking — but later rejecting — a bribe from first-class passenger Caledon Hockley; and shooting a third-class man dead in a mob on the deck. The horrified Murdoch then salutes Chief Officer Henry Wilde and commits suicide. After film producers refused to take out Murdoch's suicide scene, studio executives later flew to Murdoch's hometown to issue an apology for this depiction to his surviving relatives."
Murdoch was a hero I truly believe that, and his WRONGFUL portrayal in James Cameron's film angered me as did the fact that he had a chance to make a really good movie. Instead your left with scenes such as attempted suicide and paintings of naked women?? Is this what movie making has come down to? Never the less as per usual I did enjoy the film overall, save for the Rose and Jack parts, now that I really have bored the pants off you I'll shut up about it ;)
SPOILER END You can look again now ;)
So after a fun filled Friday and a work filled Saturday - I still forgot to buy my friends birthday present when I went up town! Grr, just remembered today actually - father's day of course.
I've promised my father I'd take him to the garden center tomorrow to let him get what he wants- I brought him some chocolates and a card as per usual though, which he was unable to eat any because of a sugar test tomorrow at the doctors! But no doubt he'll be digging into them before too long.
That's really all I have to say, take care all!
Currently listening to: John Williams - Jurassic Park Theme
Friday, 6 June 2008
Musings Of A Cat
Do you ever get that feeling of complete and utter emotional emotion? It's hard to explain, just when you feel so low, so down that you just feel drained of energy, in fact you hate yourself for being down in the first place.
For a couple of nights now I've been having dreams, weird dreams of falling. I'm afraid of heights and am contributing the fact I'm dreaming of falling because it's playing on my sub-conscious mind. But I wonder sometimes if it means something else, something deeper is niggling at the back of my mind, shouting something at me I can't hear. I want to but...There's always a but.
I'm feeling a little down tonight, have you guessed? I think it's probably because its either coming to that time of the month, or, I'm just feeling my usual crappy self. I've mentioned before, about analyzing every single detail of what happens no matter how big or small it is. I think sitting here quietly tonight is making me reflect upon things so much, I hate doing it, my friends will ask me what's wrong, but I'll just say "nah I'm fine, serious, just a little tired." And that'll be that, I have a hard time expressing my emotions in front of people, only recently have I learnt this.
Some people find it easy to cry in front of others, break out into a wail and sob their pretty little hearts out. I'm not like that, It takes a lot for me to cry in front of someone, other than my parents, mostly my mum. I think if I'm honest to myself, the only person I ever feel comfortable crying in front of is my brother. Weird, really weird, we're close, as any normal brother and sister are, but we don't really ever spend that much time together, not anymore.
I remember a lot about growing up, but one thing that stays with me is the connection that I've formed with him, he'd laugh if he read this, tell me I was stupid probably; but that's just how it is. He's always been there for me, he's always stuck up for me, looked out for me (maybe that's just a brother thing?) We've had a few laughs, when he made custard (badly) and made me try it! I'll never forget that. But as life goes, he grew up 5 years ahead of me, I think we drifted apart somewhere along the way, drink and girls and clubs became his life, I just wanted to fit in.
In a way I envy my brother, that he can just be so confident, so positive, so mature and strong in everything he does, so skilled in his job, successful family and kids, and have so much going for him. I envy that, I wish I had his courage, I wish I was smart and appealing like him, with a huge mound of friends who care, I wish I had the confidence to do what he does, he really does amaze me sometimes.
I find myself lacking in self confidence particularly this week, as "the birthday" draws ever nearer I'm reminded of my age and my success. I don't want a lovely life yet, I don't want to move out of home, I don't want to have a family, I have everything I need, I have something, something nobody else could ever understand, something so amazing I just cant put it in to words and never will.
I've been thinking about the future today, what I see myself doing a long time from now. I think I know where I want to be at, it's just a matter of getting over the hurdles before the race starts. I can do it I know I can and I'm positive that it will all work out in the end, when god closes a door, somewhere he opens a window.
Peace all! Take care xxx
Currently listening to: Nickleback - Far Away
For a couple of nights now I've been having dreams, weird dreams of falling. I'm afraid of heights and am contributing the fact I'm dreaming of falling because it's playing on my sub-conscious mind. But I wonder sometimes if it means something else, something deeper is niggling at the back of my mind, shouting something at me I can't hear. I want to but...There's always a but.
I'm feeling a little down tonight, have you guessed? I think it's probably because its either coming to that time of the month, or, I'm just feeling my usual crappy self. I've mentioned before, about analyzing every single detail of what happens no matter how big or small it is. I think sitting here quietly tonight is making me reflect upon things so much, I hate doing it, my friends will ask me what's wrong, but I'll just say "nah I'm fine, serious, just a little tired." And that'll be that, I have a hard time expressing my emotions in front of people, only recently have I learnt this.
Some people find it easy to cry in front of others, break out into a wail and sob their pretty little hearts out. I'm not like that, It takes a lot for me to cry in front of someone, other than my parents, mostly my mum. I think if I'm honest to myself, the only person I ever feel comfortable crying in front of is my brother. Weird, really weird, we're close, as any normal brother and sister are, but we don't really ever spend that much time together, not anymore.
I remember a lot about growing up, but one thing that stays with me is the connection that I've formed with him, he'd laugh if he read this, tell me I was stupid probably; but that's just how it is. He's always been there for me, he's always stuck up for me, looked out for me (maybe that's just a brother thing?) We've had a few laughs, when he made custard (badly) and made me try it! I'll never forget that. But as life goes, he grew up 5 years ahead of me, I think we drifted apart somewhere along the way, drink and girls and clubs became his life, I just wanted to fit in.
In a way I envy my brother, that he can just be so confident, so positive, so mature and strong in everything he does, so skilled in his job, successful family and kids, and have so much going for him. I envy that, I wish I had his courage, I wish I was smart and appealing like him, with a huge mound of friends who care, I wish I had the confidence to do what he does, he really does amaze me sometimes.
I find myself lacking in self confidence particularly this week, as "the birthday" draws ever nearer I'm reminded of my age and my success. I don't want a lovely life yet, I don't want to move out of home, I don't want to have a family, I have everything I need, I have something, something nobody else could ever understand, something so amazing I just cant put it in to words and never will.
I've been thinking about the future today, what I see myself doing a long time from now. I think I know where I want to be at, it's just a matter of getting over the hurdles before the race starts. I can do it I know I can and I'm positive that it will all work out in the end, when god closes a door, somewhere he opens a window.
Peace all! Take care xxx
Currently listening to: Nickleback - Far Away
Sunday, 1 June 2008
Rhythm Is A Dancer
Hey all, how's it goin?
It's been a long few days, I seem to have run out of energy quicker than usual this week and I keep getting headaches, maybe I should go to bed earlier? lol
Apologies for my ranting in my previous post, I seem to go off one and can't stop myself. Well plans are in motion now for that meet up with my friend I talked about, (she'll know who she is if she's reading this.) We're set up for a night of Titanic watching, eating pizza and having a good old laugh, I'm really looking forward to it, I spend way too much time alone these days.
I want to ask though, why is it you can have a totally random thought right when you least expect it? For some reason, a friend of mine popped into my head today; he died of cancer a while back, but he just came to me off the cuff and completely unexpected. I miss him, of course, but we were not really that close, we had a few laughs and on the long drive to work would talk about everything under the sun, he taught me a few of life's lessons.
Onto a lighter note, England football. I watched the England Vs USA match the other day, I was bored at first, poor quality, not much to say for their style, but they did pick up (glad about that) and went on to win 2-0. I really think our England team get's it easy, other teams seem to spend so much more time training, we seem to think the 'relaxed don't wear them out' approach works best, but clearly it does not. 'Big up' to John Terry, I think he's doing well this year.
I've got right into 90's music this week, Scatman John, Eurodance and even sinking as low as listening to Vengaboys and S Club 7 (??) Must be one of them weeks I figure. I never really liked this music when I was growing up; I was more into watching TV and messing about in my room or with my friends than I was with music. But then my brother was dead set into rave, or trance or whatever it was, so I guess it kind of filtered through leaving a mark on my brain somewhere so that I could say now that I DO like this music. It's funny how certain things happen, how fate leads you to where you have to be, was it fate that I'm sat here tonight? If I had chosen a different path in my life, gone against the grain, made different choices; would I be sat here right now writing this?
I am a strong believer in fate and what goes around comes around. I'm also a believer in God, surprisingly enough my faith lies somewhere inside of me, makes me think about....Well everything really, I question if what I do is right a lot, I blame myself for all the things I do which I know are wrong, though I don't show it, not to a single person, I bottle it all up and make myself hurt emotionally but in private.
I'm getting deep and angsty again, sorry about that. For all the fate, for all the pain and for what I do go through personally, I do go through a lot of good and quite a few of my friends have pointed this out to me, and I DO believe them. I HAVE had so much fun, mostly with my online friends, maybe it's because with them I can be me without having to worry about the after effects or pleasing anyone or whatever...I'm just me.
Take care people, see you next time!
Currently listening to: Scatman John - Scatman's world
It's been a long few days, I seem to have run out of energy quicker than usual this week and I keep getting headaches, maybe I should go to bed earlier? lol
Apologies for my ranting in my previous post, I seem to go off one and can't stop myself. Well plans are in motion now for that meet up with my friend I talked about, (she'll know who she is if she's reading this.) We're set up for a night of Titanic watching, eating pizza and having a good old laugh, I'm really looking forward to it, I spend way too much time alone these days.
I want to ask though, why is it you can have a totally random thought right when you least expect it? For some reason, a friend of mine popped into my head today; he died of cancer a while back, but he just came to me off the cuff and completely unexpected. I miss him, of course, but we were not really that close, we had a few laughs and on the long drive to work would talk about everything under the sun, he taught me a few of life's lessons.
Onto a lighter note, England football. I watched the England Vs USA match the other day, I was bored at first, poor quality, not much to say for their style, but they did pick up (glad about that) and went on to win 2-0. I really think our England team get's it easy, other teams seem to spend so much more time training, we seem to think the 'relaxed don't wear them out' approach works best, but clearly it does not. 'Big up' to John Terry, I think he's doing well this year.
I've got right into 90's music this week, Scatman John, Eurodance and even sinking as low as listening to Vengaboys and S Club 7 (??) Must be one of them weeks I figure. I never really liked this music when I was growing up; I was more into watching TV and messing about in my room or with my friends than I was with music. But then my brother was dead set into rave, or trance or whatever it was, so I guess it kind of filtered through leaving a mark on my brain somewhere so that I could say now that I DO like this music. It's funny how certain things happen, how fate leads you to where you have to be, was it fate that I'm sat here tonight? If I had chosen a different path in my life, gone against the grain, made different choices; would I be sat here right now writing this?
I am a strong believer in fate and what goes around comes around. I'm also a believer in God, surprisingly enough my faith lies somewhere inside of me, makes me think about....Well everything really, I question if what I do is right a lot, I blame myself for all the things I do which I know are wrong, though I don't show it, not to a single person, I bottle it all up and make myself hurt emotionally but in private.
I'm getting deep and angsty again, sorry about that. For all the fate, for all the pain and for what I do go through personally, I do go through a lot of good and quite a few of my friends have pointed this out to me, and I DO believe them. I HAVE had so much fun, mostly with my online friends, maybe it's because with them I can be me without having to worry about the after effects or pleasing anyone or whatever...I'm just me.
Take care people, see you next time!
Currently listening to: Scatman John - Scatman's world
Tuesday, 27 May 2008
Some People...
Hey all, how's it goin?
I wanna start off by saying that since I've worked in Retail, I've never really understood why people have to be so darn ignorant and impolite. I serve customers on a daily basis, I often find myself wondering why on earth they have to come in and have a go at you for everything under the sun, when all your trying to do is your job. If I went into their work and started abusing them and "their" company I'd more than likely get thrown out of the building, but because we're there, does that instantly give people the right to be horrible? Even down to the nitty gritty, like saying hello is seemingly too much of a chore for some people...
Okay I've had a moan about ignorance, so now I shall endeavour to talk about something less pointless ;)
So today I woke up feeling a little better than yesterday, my mood today started off rubbish but got better! I've found out that I'm prone to mood swings, I can either be really sad or really happy, never a happy medium. Something a lot of people don't know about me is that I'm very selfish; I think only my family know that all too well.
I'm looking at my birthday, my 23rd birthday, coming up before too long (June 25th) I'm thinking about the passing years, wondering where my teenage years went, of the days when I used to say "I can't wait till my 18, I can do whatever I want." From my own experience, life suddenly speeds up once you hit 21, heck I'm saying this and I'm only 23 nearly!
I don't think I'll do ote for my birthday this year, not really in the mood, well not at the moment, due to unforeseen complications (but in a way thankful complications) my birthday falls on my day off, phew! There's nothing more weirder than telling everyone it's your birthday on your day in work!
I've grown closer to my online friends tonight, had a real laugh with them, something I hardly ever get a chance to do, not because of real (away from the computer) issues, just that I have other stuff to do online that takes up quite a bit of my time!
I feel like I'm writing in my diary at the moment, this isn't meant to read like a live journal! Take pity on me I'm new :)
I'm planning on meeting up with a friend soon, someone who I've tried to keep in contact with as much as I can, but sometimes life throws you a double headed penny and you have to make do. Although sometimes I wonder if it's not just me, a lot of my friends have lives now, have moved out of home and have or either planning on having children or are just happy going along at their life and see what happens. It's hard now to see where I fit into the big scheme of things, whether God has a plan for me or if I'm just sent here to spend my days making other people happy whilst I drift aimlessly in and out of others lives?
I'm not fussed, I like being single, I like the easiness of living at home with my parents, but I know one day I'm going to have to move on, 'grow up' if you will, I think my complete lack of self confidence holds me back, the feeling of 'this is it Cat, your on your own' kind of thing.
I've had my fortune read several times, they all plan big futures, with late loves and a few children...I wonder sometimes about love, about having a guy and settling down to start a family.
I think this is a good spot to cut it off, take care ya'll xx
Currently listening to: Stay - Shakespeares Sister
I wanna start off by saying that since I've worked in Retail, I've never really understood why people have to be so darn ignorant and impolite. I serve customers on a daily basis, I often find myself wondering why on earth they have to come in and have a go at you for everything under the sun, when all your trying to do is your job. If I went into their work and started abusing them and "their" company I'd more than likely get thrown out of the building, but because we're there, does that instantly give people the right to be horrible? Even down to the nitty gritty, like saying hello is seemingly too much of a chore for some people...
Okay I've had a moan about ignorance, so now I shall endeavour to talk about something less pointless ;)
So today I woke up feeling a little better than yesterday, my mood today started off rubbish but got better! I've found out that I'm prone to mood swings, I can either be really sad or really happy, never a happy medium. Something a lot of people don't know about me is that I'm very selfish; I think only my family know that all too well.
I'm looking at my birthday, my 23rd birthday, coming up before too long (June 25th) I'm thinking about the passing years, wondering where my teenage years went, of the days when I used to say "I can't wait till my 18, I can do whatever I want." From my own experience, life suddenly speeds up once you hit 21, heck I'm saying this and I'm only 23 nearly!
I don't think I'll do ote for my birthday this year, not really in the mood, well not at the moment, due to unforeseen complications (but in a way thankful complications) my birthday falls on my day off, phew! There's nothing more weirder than telling everyone it's your birthday on your day in work!
I've grown closer to my online friends tonight, had a real laugh with them, something I hardly ever get a chance to do, not because of real (away from the computer) issues, just that I have other stuff to do online that takes up quite a bit of my time!
I feel like I'm writing in my diary at the moment, this isn't meant to read like a live journal! Take pity on me I'm new :)
I'm planning on meeting up with a friend soon, someone who I've tried to keep in contact with as much as I can, but sometimes life throws you a double headed penny and you have to make do. Although sometimes I wonder if it's not just me, a lot of my friends have lives now, have moved out of home and have or either planning on having children or are just happy going along at their life and see what happens. It's hard now to see where I fit into the big scheme of things, whether God has a plan for me or if I'm just sent here to spend my days making other people happy whilst I drift aimlessly in and out of others lives?
I'm not fussed, I like being single, I like the easiness of living at home with my parents, but I know one day I'm going to have to move on, 'grow up' if you will, I think my complete lack of self confidence holds me back, the feeling of 'this is it Cat, your on your own' kind of thing.
I've had my fortune read several times, they all plan big futures, with late loves and a few children...I wonder sometimes about love, about having a guy and settling down to start a family.
I think this is a good spot to cut it off, take care ya'll xx
Currently listening to: Stay - Shakespeares Sister
Monday, 26 May 2008
Here we go...
So this is my first ever Blog, straight from the Blogging pits of Blog-dom. I'm sat here, really a little unsure of where to start, I'm not used to writing down my feelings or what have you, so I figured I'd just start off with a little bit about why I created this.
So I was sat here today thinking long and hard about stuff that's going on in my life right now, things I seem to not be able to share with my closest friends, even my family. I wonder sometimes about life, in fact I do it quite regularly it's one of my down falls I'm affraid, analyzing every single detail of my life, then making myself depressed about it.
But I keep looking up, keeping smiling and plodding along.
It's that what brought me here, what made me want to make my own Blog, so I could express myself to anyone, anyone who was willing to listen. So hopefully this will be a regular thing, I'll post a couple of thought's here or there, maybe someone out there will read them.
Let's just see how it goes...
So I was sat here today thinking long and hard about stuff that's going on in my life right now, things I seem to not be able to share with my closest friends, even my family. I wonder sometimes about life, in fact I do it quite regularly it's one of my down falls I'm affraid, analyzing every single detail of my life, then making myself depressed about it.
But I keep looking up, keeping smiling and plodding along.
It's that what brought me here, what made me want to make my own Blog, so I could express myself to anyone, anyone who was willing to listen. So hopefully this will be a regular thing, I'll post a couple of thought's here or there, maybe someone out there will read them.
Let's just see how it goes...
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